Lonely

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Spotted Mushroom, PLEASE stick around

Try to hang in there SpottedMushroom !

Thank you everyone for your support and replies It is much appreciated.

To answer Mona Pereth's question, I am familiar with the term 'aromantic.' While I don't consider myself aromantic, I think it's accurate to say I want a chosen family. I've always wanted that. I didn't know it had a specific term.

Unfortunately we don't have support groups for autistic adults here. There isn't much for autistic adults here in general. Autism Society of Indiana is not an organization I care to contact after my past experiences with them, to be honest. I'm sure my case manager will let me know if one of those agencies decides to hold a support group. It would be very nice.

Dear Spotted Mushroom,
How are you doing?
Happy Easter, and I hope your day is a good one!
Let us know how you are feeling, okay?

Dear Spotted Mushroom,
How are you?
Are things any better?

hoping Spottedmushroom is better ?

Thank you for checking in. Things are difficult. I appreciate your support.

pen pals

hobbies

clubs

goals

mental hygiene, not dwelling on the unpleasant things in life but distracting oneself from them as best one can. when lonely i think reflexively of what it would be like, from memory, to live with somebody whom i wanted to be just GONE GONE GONE.

I also always wanted a family, a group i can belong to. Right now i have my parents and their friends near me but i am Wondering what will happen when they die.

I used to wish that i lived in a small commune where everyone knows each other and supports each other. Like in a small island monastery.(i am not even Christian lol)

I am thinking of joining the autism organizations in my country when my parents die. At least i would feel useful too that way.

I feel so stuck because I don't understand why my problems are so unique. I just don't know how to do all the things I've always been expected to do, but services available to me struggle to help because I'm often told I don't need it, or that certain things are out of my control.

For example, no one has been able to tell me why I've had such poor social experiences. I've been told I'm rude and aggressive. But when you continue being nice to people who wish to take advantage of you, it will only get worse. I started seeing a behaviorist because I hoped she could teach me how to improve my relationships and actually keep people in my life. She told me it wasn't in my control. Because every problem we looked at together, she only taught me to do things I already do, so it was just very disheartening. And if I ask why this happens, why do people collectively treat me badly if it's not something I'm doing? Why can no one tell me what the problem is, or why I can't find anyone else who understands?

How am I supposed to not blame myself when I don't have an alternative reason? I can tell myself that people who treat me badly aren't worth my time, but I can't tell myself why those are the only people that ever come into my life.

All my life I was taught I wasn't doing enough, even though I had to try harder than everyone else. And most problems I had were mine alone. I didn't have family or friends alongside me for these things. I thought I would find relief when I got my diagnosis, but instead, I was met with people who were very patronizing. "Ohhh you can drive! That's really good!" I learned how to drive because I was abused into it and my mother would accept no less. I was almost in several accidents because I didn't actually have the capacity for it. It's not cute and it's not flattering in the slightest to act like I'm super employable just because I drive. I couldn't do anything but look at these people like they were stupid. As if driving were somehow...all an employer would want. And in the end, I was told I didn't need help, even though I can't hold a job because, seriously, people just hate me. I've never been able to maintain a good relationship with coworkers and bosses. I don't know why, as I do my very best. But it's somehow never enough, even when it's much more than what everyone else is doing.

I don't even want to work anymore, because there's no point. It will not grant me a sense of purpose or social status, it will not provide for my needs. I would rather die.

I've tried an autistic social group from my therapist's office. They are nice, but I don't understand them. They don't understand me. I just don't get how people are happy, or how they are treated well. If none of us are at fault, why do I still get treated so poorly?

I have no idea how to relate to people because of my experiences and lack of. I don't have memories of doing all these things and meeting all these people like others talk about. I was locked inside a house for 18 years, cheating in school just to pass and being verbally abused at work for sucking at my job on the weekends. Since then, I've just had numerous failures that I can't explain other than, I'm autistic. People always want to know, why don't you go to school? or work? or do anything? Why are you depressed? What is your problem?

I'm passively suicidal every day. I don't know how to appreciate this life. I've always wanted a family, and now I'm at the age where people just think that's weird. It's weird to care about other people, it seems. I don't know what to say anymore. I don't know. I am trying so hard.