I hate myself

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I started taking antidepressants about a month ago and while some stuff got worse, I was still really happy with how things were going. There are positives, what I'm on has basically killed my anxiety which has made my thinking so much clearer and it improved my energy by a lot which allows me to study when things are good and not sleep constantly when I'm depressed. I definitely prefer how my brain is now to how it was before. However, although it has dampened my depression so I am more functional when depressed and lessened my suicidal thoughts, it has made my eating problems SO much worse and it is driving me crazy. The weird thing is when I'm not stressed they're way better before but when I feel bad... Basically I had a therapy session where it was pointed out to me that I dissociate a LOT. Apparently I dissociate from my body which is why I don't connect to my reflection and it causes me to not be able to remember chunks of my childhood and also is why I don't feel connected to stressful thoughts. This triggered a period of depression for me as it was an attack on the identity I built because I had been misinterpreting my dissociation as proof that I was a liar and that is why I didn't feel connected. It also has left me quite confused on who I am and for a couple of days none of my thoughts made sense.

This stress has manifested as me binge eating about 4 times in the past two weeks and that is super unusual for me because at most I would binge eat twice a month, even at points where I was near suicidal. My medication has made it harder for me to control myself and hence this happened as well as over eating in between the binges. They're more severe now too as where I would stop before when I was in pain, now I stop when the food starts coming back up as I continue to shovel food in my face. Today I ate a box of sweets which was about 1.5k calories while chugging water so my stomach would fill faster and then to my horror had another binge some hours later on food that wasn't even fully cooked because I was too impatient and just felt the need to fill my stomach. It made me feel so disgusting and my fear of being seen has come back. Not from strangers now but from people I know and I stopped going to school for about a week now and had 6 anxiety attacks which are all that's really left of my anxiety now. They're strange. They're shorter but and milder but make my mind go blank as I freeze and can happen one after the other. I exercised for about an hour but stopped because my mum could hear but I know myself, I will exercise for more hours later on when they are asleep and probably won't eat today and just drink water instead. Things weren't this bad before.

It's making me hate myself because I'm damaging my body and that's basically the objective when I binge. I know I'll only stop when my body shows it can't handle much more and then I sit and dwell on how disgusting my gluttony is to myself. Without all the noise in my mind from before, I can make out my anger easier and the type of depressed I am now is founded on anger and hatred of myself, as opposed to sadness. It's more energetic but my energy is in the wrong place. I felt my arms jiggle which was part of the trigger as well as a perceived change of weight which I don't think actually happened. All this is making my anger at myself bubble so strongly and is making me not really talk to others as I find it stressful and don't think I deserve it. Instead I feel I deserve to be damaged. I am terrified of going back to school and having people see me because I feel like I am disgusting so why would I want others to see me. The idea is horrifying. The most frustrating thing is I never judge anyone as harshly as I do myself. I don't really judge others for how they look or see it as particularly important but when it comes to myself it's a completely different story .-. Anyway, that's my vent.

I hope that just the right dose can be used so you get the best of everything.

I’m really sorry you’re going through all this.

I don’t remember. Are you in 6th Form, going for your A-levels?

((((((((((( IVPIN )))))))))))))




I'm sorry to hear what you're experiencing. It's wonderful that you've had some emotional breakthroughs, and that you feel well apart from the food and body issue. I hope you will be clear with your doctor about this effect. It could be just increased appetite which is a common side effect of some SSRI, and that in turn is going to cause you distress with body image. Your doctor needs to evaluate this reaction both as a mental health response, and as a reaction to the medication. You might need your dose adjusted, or your doctor might recommend a medication that is similar with different side effects. Please don't feel discouraged, and self-advocate the best that you can.

I can't remember if your doctor has evaluated you for BDD / Body Dysmorphic Disorder, or eating disorders, in the past. It's nothing to be ashamed of if you require that type of support. I hope you will continue to take these steps to be proactive, even by reaching out on here and admitting what's going on.

I suffered a lot from dissociation related to trauma, but also from Interoception issues. I literally couldn't (still can't) tell when I'm hungry or not, or tired or not, or ... basically anything. I've been working with an OT to interpret my body signals. I don't know if that sounds like something that might help you, but regardless I hope you are straightforward in telling your doctor about this reaction. Self-loathing and increased social phobia need to be addressed, with or without the disordered eating patterns. I hope you have a follow up appointment soon, and you can make this all very clear. You might even want to print what you just wrote, or keep a daily record of your feelings, thoughts, and behaviours. The first few months on any medication need to be monitored very closely, especially for someone of your age group.

Please let us know how this resolves.

Sorry to hear what’s been happening with the binge eating, Iv. My heart genuinely goes out to you. It’s fairly easy to pinpoint the cause of binge eating disorders, but I’m wondering if you’ve been offered any guided self-help programmes or CBT in conjunction with the Prozac. In your case, I’m thinking that self-help programmes alone wouldn’t be enough, that you would need CBT to help you more effectively work through the process of identifying triggers for binge eating in order to prevent them. Changing and managing negative feelings about your body is part of this process. I hope the plan involves a dual approach. That’s what will ultimately give you your best chance of beating this, It’s natural to feel guilt and shame as you do and that’s part of what this disorder does to you. It can be overcome with treatment. Most people do recover from it, but it takes time, and the right support and treatment.

It’s been soo good to hear of the positive changes since the med has kicked in. Please don’t give up on yourself and on recovery from this disorder. I have alot of faith in you that you will overcome this. But, it’s not something you can easily do on your own, or with a “medicate and forget” approach. It’s a lengthy process. We’re so fortunate to have the NHS here.

You can always talk in confidence to an adviser from eating disorders charity Beat by calling its adult helpline on 0808 801 0677 or youth helpline on 0808 801 0711.

Sending Hugs and behind you 100% Iv in coming out the other side of this. Just take it one day at a time.

Om Nom hugs

I always had to take SSRI in the mornings, regardless of what the label advised. Otherwise I couldn't sleep.

I'm glad you're seeing your doctor again!

Good luck Ivpin!! !! (By the way, you might want to ask about a referral to OT for the Interoception issues?)

Thanks for the update! That's all good news, that you addressed the issues. I'm kind of going through something right now with my ADHD meds. It was increased a while ago, and I can't decide if I like this level or not. I have a lot of anxiety but I don't know if it's related to the medicine because I also have a lot of stressful things happening. It's really hard to know what's authentic, and what's from meds, isn't it? I also have a tendency toward BFRB and self-harm when I'm wound up, so I'm trying to track my behaviours. A couple of people mentioned that I do seem more anxious overall. I mention this because it seems you're dealing with the same issue - you're not sure if you should increase your dose or maybe switch to something else. I can talk to my Neuropsychiatrist but he's only going to assess me based on what I tell him ... so I have to be sure I know what's going on.

I worry about your health when you say you are undereating and overexercising. Can you keep a log or record somehow without it becoming obsessive, so that you are looking at objective facts rather than trying to interpret your own response subjectively? Would your mother help or would it feel worse to have her involvement with this?

Sending the biggest hugs. I'm sure you'll get this sorted out, now that you are communicating the problems and reaching out on here for support.