Deciding to leave for good

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HeroOfHyrule
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28 Apr 2021, 6:39 pm

Marknis wrote:
threetoed snail wrote:
You're not going to "find love" so long as "finding love" is the only thing in your head 24/7/365.

If you want to ever find it, then you have to let it go, and go find something else that's actually under your control and actually brings you enjoyment, in this world, in this reality, in the present time. You have to find a way to be at least somewhat okay on your own. There is no way around that.

If that's not something you can do, then go seek professional help if you haven't yet. You need it, and it will help you.


I just have a hard time wrapping my head around this. It doesn’t make sense to me. If you don’t train in martial arts, you’ll never learn them. How is not looking to find love actually going to help me find love?

Because if you focus on other things and learn how to actually handle being secure on your own people in general will see you as a more confident and stable person, and people want confident and stable partners. Focusing only on finding a partner and basing all your worth on having one is doing the opposite of getting you one, as it prevents you from further developing any qualities that will actually be of benefit to you. Doing that hasn't worked this entire time and it won't suddenly start working, so that's why people are continuously telling you to stop doing it.


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Marknis
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28 Apr 2021, 6:59 pm

HeroOfHyrule wrote:
Marknis wrote:
threetoed snail wrote:
You're not going to "find love" so long as "finding love" is the only thing in your head 24/7/365.

If you want to ever find it, then you have to let it go, and go find something else that's actually under your control and actually brings you enjoyment, in this world, in this reality, in the present time. You have to find a way to be at least somewhat okay on your own. There is no way around that.

If that's not something you can do, then go seek professional help if you haven't yet. You need it, and it will help you.


I just have a hard time wrapping my head around this. It doesn’t make sense to me. If you don’t train in martial arts, you’ll never learn them. How is not looking to find love actually going to help me find love?

Because if you focus on other things and learn how to actually handle being secure on your own people in general will see you as a more confident and stable person, and people want confident and stable partners. Focusing only on finding a partner and basing all your worth on having one is doing the opposite of getting you one, as it prevents you from further developing any qualities that will actually be of benefit to you. Doing that hasn't worked this entire time and it won't suddenly start working, so that's why people are continuously telling you to stop doing it.


I suppose I just haven’t figured out what to focus on. Should it be music? Writing? Drawing? College? Exercise? There are so many things but I can’t choose which one that I need or want the most.

If I return and am able to say I have a girlfriend, will you and others still in my corner celebrate with me?



threetoed snail
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28 Apr 2021, 7:03 pm

Your level of dependence on outside validation is deeply unhealthy. You don't have to live like that forever, and you can take the first step to change it. Go seek professional help if you haven't yet.


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Marknis
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28 Apr 2021, 7:08 pm

threetoed snail wrote:
Your level of dependence on outside validation is deeply unhealthy. You don't have to live like that forever, and you can take the first step to change it. Go seek professional help if you haven't yet.


I’ve been in therapy throughout the last 15 years of my life.

I really don’t want to live the rest of my life without a girlfriend or wife. It’s not a joke, I truly suffer being alone and feeling like the odd man out in a sea of couples.



threetoed snail
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28 Apr 2021, 7:10 pm

Then talk to your therapist about what to occupy your mind and your time with if you can't decide for yourself right now. Talk to them about techniques to help you to decide for yourself once you've managed to at least distract yourself a bit.


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r00tb33r
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28 Apr 2021, 7:16 pm

The dating scene on this board isn't all that great anyway. Probably a poor choice of venue for someone so focused on finding a partner.



Marknis
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28 Apr 2021, 7:43 pm

threetoed snail wrote:
Then talk to your therapist about what to occupy your mind and your time with if you can't decide for yourself right now. Talk to them about techniques to help you to decide for yourself once you've managed to at least distract yourself a bit.


The distractions come from seeing couples since the common long-term partner as well as marriage age range is 18 while my age is considered abnormal to be single, musicians who made music their lives while I wanted to become a professional guitarist but could never get good at playing the instrument even with lessons, artists who can draw or paint whatever they want while I struggle to do even a single character, and authors publishing their latest books while I suffer from chronic creative writer’s block. It really guts me there are those who’ve succeeded at what they wanted while I wanted the same but my dreams failed to come true.



Dragnet
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28 Apr 2021, 7:50 pm

Consider that if you were to get in a relationship while in need for such outside validation might lead to an unhealthy relationship. You might want to be 100% at your best before trying to enter into a relationship. I don't see how leaving Wrong Planet will help, you'll just be even more isolated. Additionally, you might want to use dating websites. There are dating web sites for the disabled, you might find more accepting individuals on them. Just be careful what personal information you share. Might want to distance any dating profile from Wrong Planet since such profiles can have a lot of personal information.



Marknis
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28 Apr 2021, 7:58 pm

I had to swear off dating sites because they never had any positive outcomes for me. It didn’t matter if they were mainstream or for people on the spectrum. The amount of women in my area was always small (Especially on the ones for those on the spectrum), I hardly got replies, and profiles disappeared randomly.



Dragnet
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28 Apr 2021, 8:06 pm

Its very important to not take it personally when women turn down requests or profiles disappear or they don't reply. If you get discouraged that won't help, I have asked several women out and only one said yes. So don't get discouraged when rejected. I can just about promise you every man with a girlfriend has been turned down in the past. Might want to reconsider dating sites especially with quarantine and COVID-19.



Kitsuna
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28 Apr 2021, 9:17 pm

What about voc rehab?

Maybe you could schedule time off for it as a doctor’s appointment if your work schedule is rigid.

I think that would help both with following your interests and getting away from your mother.



Marknis
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01 May 2021, 10:22 am

I am free for most of next week but I really should stop giving lip service and just cease from coming on here.



AquaineBay
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01 May 2021, 5:07 pm

Marknis everything in life takes time. I remember when I started trying to make friends IRL in 2018, it's 2021 do I have a friend? No. But I won't give up on trying. I do have a few online friends so that's a success at least. Also some dreams just don't come true like being a professional artist or guitarist(despite the idea of "you can achieve anything" real life will definitely show you otherwise) There are many out there that have tried and failed but they found other ways to fulfill their lives. You can still make those things a hobby or a side job to make money!

Another thing, you seem to let everyone else control your thoughts and actions. The constant validation seeking is really unhealthy. For instance when you made the thread to leave wrongplanet, you let others dictate whether you should stay or not through a poll instead of just deciding yourself whether you should stay or not.

Lastly, you made a thread about all the positive things about yourself but you never engage in a conversation with anyone about them. I know you like Death Note and Guilty Gear, I'm sure discord has multiple servers with people discussing those two (I tried discussing some of the things you liked but you changed the topic). I'm also sure there are many artist websites(deviantart being one) where you can share your pictures and talk about drawings and games or anime. While I'm sorry about your past life I highly encourage you to come to terms with it(with professional help and not a forum) and try to look to the future! Also think about the term girlfriend, girlfriend has "friend" in it. If you struggle to make friends then how do you expect to get a girlfriend? Can't have one without the other(I mean you can but the chances are kinda slim to none).