Mind Games

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It doesn’t make sense to me that he sends roses knowing full well your aversion to them, and the reason for the aversion.

Perhaps he is indeed sadistic and gains pleasure from being cruel to others. If this is the case Isabella really should remove that person from her life.

Red roses remind me of my grandfather's suicide on my 16th birthday. Getting red roses stresses me out, but especially when it's on my birthday, which is the anniversary of such trauma. I also have a severe autistic-sensory aversion to the smell of roses. The scent gives me migraines and makes me ill. I've told him about these two problems since I met him in the 90s but somehow he's taken to sending me red roses twice a year (Valentine's and birthday), every year for about ten years now. One time he even sent chocolates with them. Most of you know that I hate chocolate, and even the smell of it makes me sick just like the smell of roses. He knows this too. So either he's a sadist, he doesn't listen to me, he doesn't know me, or he's completely senile and has no recollection of our conversations. I think it's a mix of all four.

Getting the roses is a huge problem for me. I resent having to say thank you, or else look like an ungrateful b**** if I say that I didn't appreciate the gesture. It's guilt-tripping. He likes the ego stroking involved in sending flowers or looking like a gentleman. He loves being thanked. Sometimes he even asks me to send him pictures of the roses, meaning that I can't just toss them / refuse them at the door. Again if I don't send the pictures or thank him, his ego is wounded and I'm the bad guy for not appreciating his kind gesture. It's delusional. The roses are sent so he'll feel like a romantic hero and absolve himself of guilt about the past. They aren't about me, or about making me happy. This is only one example of weird things that happen, always leading back to the fact he wants his ego stroked.

I didn't notice how bad the patterns were until my beau pointed them out, and helped me to see his narcissism. Then I kind of rejected the truth because I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to ditch a friend because "my boyfriend told me to". I've had to let all this sink in slowly, until I could come to terms with it by my own observation. I think he only remains friends with me so he won't have to feel guilty about the past. He likes looking like a great person, being able to say "I'm gay and trans but I have the respect of a woman who loves me for who I am". That would all be well and good if he was a nice person. I have no problem with his identity but I do have problems being used as a tool to prop up his ego, at the expense of my own.

I'm starting to see things really clearly now.

a person's gotta know their limitations. don't overload yourself on account of another human being. they are not on a pedestal nor should they be. deal with them to the limits of your energy, but no more. only you know the precise location of that limit.

I have dealt with mind games from a good friend that I suspect is bipolar and very controlling/manipulative. He will not go in to talk to a professional about his issues. He has tried to force me to spend money on things when I would not normally have during events. It is almost like he needs me to be poorer than him to be happy. He also becomes malicious with comments and very jealous if I happen to do better at something than him. When he starts to show that type of behavior, I immediately distance myself from his presence to cut the trend. Once he returns back to his normal self with the passage of time, I can be around him again. It sucks to have to do that, but I have yet to find an easy cure.

This is still going on. I received on cryptic text saying he was terribly sorry and giving reasons why he wrote that cruel text, but it seemed like he wanted sympathy. It was all about him and his feelings, which is exactly what I expected. Nothing about my feelings or how he would get help / make amends. I wrote an assertive response explaining how that made me feel and saying it was not OK to guilt me, because I'd done nothing wrong. So now we're back to the silent treatment game because I guess I didn't feel sorry for him or forgive him wholeheartedly. I'm not 13 years old and I don't need this drama in my life, but it still sucks that grown adults can act this way. I still worry it's a result of his brain injury or dementia and that I shouldn't take it personally - but I think that would be making excuses for him. If that's really the reason, he should go to the doctor and figure it out.

Anyway I'm going away for the weekend with my beau, and there won't be any mind games. Thank goodness.

Thanks again everyone.

Sorry the drama is still going on. But I'm glad you're getting away with your boyfriend. I hope you have a great time!