Mind Games

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Hi,
I don't post very often in The Haven but I'm looking for advice.

Some of you know the story of my best friend / ex boyfriend. We dated after my divorce, in the late 90s and early 2000s. He helped raise my little girl. He was the love of my life until he broke my heart in 2002. Catastrophically. It's a long story but it involved lies, deception, and duplicity. It was a very, very bad break which led me down the wrong path. The rest of my 2000's were a traumatic nightmare for other reasons - but the PTSD all started because of that bad break putting me in a vulnerable headspace.

We ended up salvaging the friendship, piece by piece. We own a property together now. He lives there but I don't, and it's quite far away from my house. I haven't seen him in almost two years because of Covid. He has a boyfriend, and so do I. We primarily talk by text or telephone because he doesn't have internet.

He does a lot of drugs and drinks a lot. He's likely ADHD and he has frontal lobe brain damage, so he's very impulsive. His listening skills are abysmal too. As a result he can be very hurtful to me at times with careless behaviours, or forgetting and ignoring my boundaries.

This week he texted me something extremely hostile, self-serving, and sarcastic. I called him out on it in a brief but assertive text response. He didn't respond or apologise to my text, but is now playing mind games with the silent treatment. I know for a fact it's a calculated silent treatment so that I will contact him and make sure he's OK. He does this all the time. He wants me to feel worried by his silence so I'll reach out to make sure he's OK, and then smooth things over by apologising for whatever he did wrong. Yes, I'm supposed to apologise for the tension that he creates.

This cycle enables him to play mind games, any time he wants emotional validation.

His rude text to me was an attempt at emotional control and gaslighting. Now he's gaslighting me again by using the silent treatment so that I'll feel guilty / responsible, and I'll apologise or act like nothing happened. But I'm not going to apologise. I did nothing wrong. The ball is not in my court, and quite frankly I resent him implying that it is.

The worst thing is that he knows I struggle with guilt / shame and self-advocacy.

He does this anyway.

I'm not playing these mind games anymore. Life is hard enough without all this stress. I don't even care if we never speak again, and I forfeit the property. I just don't want to be guilted, or have him imply I've done something wrong.

Can anyone relate to people playing mind games?
What do you do when someone is hurtful / manipulative, and expects YOU to apologise for it?
What do you do when you're being gaslighted or guilted for things you didn't do?

That doesn't sound like a healthy friendship if there is an abusive component to it. A good healthy friendship should build you up, not tear you down. It sounds like you are better off without him. I am sorry you've endured such treatment Isabella.

I'm sorry you've had to endure this. When you care about someone and they cause you more heartache than pleasure, it's very painful. I've been there a couple of times, although it wasn't the same as your experience. The end result was, however.

People just shouldn't have to be exposed to stupid games. Life is hard enough as it is!

I've had people who are supposed to be close to me act like I'm their enemy or something---for really petty reasons. Not a good feeling, to say the least.

Yes.  My father and XW both had problems with alcohol and bipolar disorder.  The XW also did "diet pills" that made her stay awake and imagine things that were not there and events that never happened.I play their game, but by my rules.  This usually involves blocking and ghosting someone until they confront me about my attitude.  Then I play dumb and gently deny their accusations in the same way that a smarmy, condescending au pair would explain to a child that there is no monster under the bed.Smile, smirk, and play their games by my rules (see previous answer).

Between my father and XW, I had about 30 years of "training" in the Fine Art Of Mind Games.  This training gives me the ability to recognize most mind games, and the book "Games People Play" gave me effective counter-tactics to use against them.

For instance, in the mind gamed "Ultimatum" (a.k.a., "My Way or The Highway"), the initiator is trying to force the victim into deciding between (a) doing something unpleasant, and (b) breaking off the relationship.

I always call their bluff and choose the "Highway" option, and then hang up the phone or leave their presence.  Most initiators of "Ultimatum" seem to believe that it is impossible that I could ever do without them, and are usually shocked when I willingly choose to do so.  Even when the initiator was my supervisor at work, I would choose the highway option expressed in their ultimatum (i.e., "Work all weekend or don't bother showing up for work on Monday"), head down to HR, and explain the situation.  Once HR gets involved, things happen (usually in my favor), because nowadays mind games on the job are classified as "Harassment", and victims have certain rights and privileges, including protection against retaliation.

My point is that when confronted with a player of mind games, your choices may be limited...

• Ghost them.
• Notify someone in authority.
• Play the game their way.
• Play the game your way.

... but they are effective, if you know what to do.

I've been learning to just ignore behaviour like this and not give in. If they confront me for doing so I also try to assert that their behaviour is unacceptable and that I do not want to tolerate or enable it. If they further get upset I just continue to ignore them. I don't give in when kids or animals throw fits, and I treat adults who throw fits like this the same way.

What worked for me was - I'm not responsible for choices of other adults, even being them my own parents or spouse. They have minds of their own and problems of their own, they are responsible for their bad choices, not me.

It wasn't always about abuse.

You are responsible only for what you control. Others are responsible for what they control. That turned out a powerful way out of numerous unhealthy entanglements I used to be in.

I have a close family who has done this to me a lot. It was really easy for them to do when I was younger, because I hadn’t learned boundaries. Therapy was the only way I could completely figure out what I really was responsible for and how to enforce boundaries.

Thanks for the input, everyone. I really appreciate it.

If someone else had posted my story, I would have known what to tell them. I would have advised the poster about setting boundaries, being accountable, and dealing with narcissistic personalities, just like you all said. I know all of this intellectually. It's just hard to see the patterns, and make the right responses, when it's in my own life.

I'm not making any excuses for him, but I should point out that he's not always like this. I've known him almost 25 years and most of it has been positive. After the whole breakup debacle he's been there for me as a friend through thick and thin, including some really dark times. It's not like I've endured 25 years of manipulation and put up with it. Things got worse after he retired. He's had more time to get high, for one thing. When I see him in person I know if he's high, and I can put any missteps in perspective. When we only talk on the phone or via text, I have no idea if he's stoned. I can only guess. Because of my autism it's really hard for me to interpret people at the best of times. When drugs, alcohol, and long-distance communication (no video) are added to the mix, I'm baffled.

The other issue is his health at age 67. He has brain damage which affects his impulse control. He also seems to have early-onset Alzheimer's or dementia like both of his parents. When he forgets serious conversations or boundaries, I don't know if it's because he's clueless and careless, because he's stoned, or because of the brain injury. Again, I'm not making excuses, but the brain injury adds another layer of complexity that most people don't have to consider when they talk about boundaries / gas lighters in their lives. I've had two strokes myself. The brain injuries changed my personality quite a bit and I expect that loved ones will understand my bad days in that context. I feel kind of hypocritical if I don't respect his brain injury or his limitations in memory or conduct. Most of the time when I discuss these things with him, he's very remorseful but then he expects me to forgive him and feel sorry for him about the mistakes. I don't feel like he extends the same amount of compassion, understanding, or forgiveness to me. Furthermore he doesn't take any initiative to learn more about his brain injury, to get ADHD testing, or to make meaningful changes to the best of his ability. It's really frustrating for me, because I'm the opposite. I'm always trying to learn from my mistakes. I read, research, and see doctors or therapists all the time. He won't do the same.

He carries a lot of guilt about the break up in 2002, and the way he broke my heart. Sometimes I feel like he needs continual validation that I forgive him, and that he's not a terrible person. It's getting lopsided because the focus is on him being absolved of wrongdoing, so he'll have a clear conscience without feeling guilty. The focus is seldom on my emotional state, or the fact he makes me feel guilty instead. If I told him how upset I feel, he'd want to be consoled and forgiven for it. This is the disconnect. This is where I'm starting to see patterns, and I don't think they're fair.

Anyway, thank you again for letting me rant. I know this is tldr. It's a shame if the friendship has to end.

I guess my next question is, how do you draw the line between helping / forgiving a friend, and telling them they need to go it alone? I understand that it's his job to get medical / therapeutic help, but don't friends help each other through that?

I see some really good advice above, so I don’t have much better to add. One thing I’ve done in my life though, is I’ve stopped hanging around people who only care about drugs/alcohol and who make it their life. My best friend since middle school became an alcoholic, and started only caring about substances. It was very hard to stop being his friend, but I had to. He was a bad influence on me for 1, and for 2 it just stopped being any fun to hangout with him.

Sometimes you have to be a little selfish, and think, “How does this relationship benefit me?” If the only benefit is a material item, or there are more cons than pros.. maybe think about slowly phasing it out. People grow apart and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Someone who cares/loves you will not treat you in that way. I’ve found real friends since I dumped my old best friend, and I now realize what a true friend is.

I think the fact that you used to be in a romantic relationship also does not help. A friend who was not in a romantic relationship with you would more than likely not feel close enough to play these kind of games.

Thanks for your message Brainiac. This part is especially relevant. Yes we were a couple and it was romantic, but we didn't have sex. I don't know if that makes a difference in terms of romantic history or not, but I thought I'd put it out there. There was an emotional bond, mostly on my part, because he represented himself as something / someone he wasn't. When he revealed the true him, my trust was shattered. He was an expert at manipulation even back then, but he wouldn't call it manipulation. He'd call the lies "not wanting to hurt you", or something self-serving like that.

Many people think that he still loves me. I think it's a bit more sadistic, if it's purposeful. For instance he tries to sabotage me with my current beau, by sending me red roses and red heart-shaped balloons every Valentine's Day, and every birthday. I've asked him to stop and told him it makes me / my boyfriend really uncomfortable, but he keeps doing it like a sick joke. His own boyfriend isn't impressed when he does this, either. He feels anxious about it just like my boyfriend does. On Valentine's this year my boyfriend actually called him out on it, as well as a lot of other hurtful things he'd done to me in the past. Despite that, I got more red roses for my birthday in June. Part of the reason for his nasty text this week, is because his ego was wounded when I wouldn't thank him for those roses.

It's so messed up, I think it's beyond hope.

That is toxic as hell, so nothing wrong with breaking of that 'friendship' I put it in quotations because, it does not sound like a real friendship sounds like a person who is just trying to stick around in your life to guilt you for like no reason. I mean sounds like it was made pretty clear between the two of you that it was over, yet for some reason he still keeps trying to keep some kind of hold on you to the point of interfering with your current relationship. Seems as good a reason as any to end your friendship with that person.

Issy, I had to set boundaries with people who aren't evil, with people I love.
I prefer to think with terms like "unhealthy" or "immature". The point is not to feed unhealthy dynamics, not to support immature behaviors. Healthy distance is often the best tool.
Immaturity of your ex is his problem. If it affects you badly, you have all the right to keep him away from you.

Remember the Plane Oxygen Mask Rule. Your health first - because only when healthy, you can help others.

^ I agree with Magz above. To me, Boundaries between people is always necessary, even with people you love. Even if the person loves you or means well that doesn't mean the relationship can't affect you negatively or be toxic to you.

And in this case, i see this person as objectively toxic. I don't think it is acceptable behavior for him to openly sabotage your relationship. I know you and this person have so much history, you are also a very kind and understanding person and i imagine it would be hard to for you to cut someone like this from your life.

But still from what you described i think it is best to at least put some distance between you and him. Don't contact him or respond to any more provocation. Unless he apologizes and accepts his mistake i don't think it is necessary to respond to any messages.

you're justified in just dropping the person.

But I can understand you not dropping them.

You might just message them back with an assertive message like: "I am not going play any more guessing games. If something is bothering you just tell me what it is.".

The flower scenario you described sounds like harassment.