Page 1 of 1 [ 10 posts ] 

psybot
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 23 Nov 2005
Gender: Male
Posts: 140
Location: inmymind

29 Jul 2007, 1:15 am

no matter what anyone says, my world is dead. from the age of 15 - 24 i've been on stupid pills which have totally nullified my natural progressions. i grew up in an environment that was halfway around the world from where i lived. i was not successful in school. i find it impossible to stay in the present moment and even when i do, whoever's around me will sway me in some other direction.

i've hated life since i was 14. i still hate it now, 10 years later. the only time i've enjoyed it is moments of escapism such as fiction, porn, music, computers, the net and drugs.

all around me i see people struggling to be "alive". i see energy-consuming cities with too many bright lights, big machines running overkill, inbred alcoholics, oppressed women, abused children, factory farms, plagues, brain-damaged legions with ak-47s, cluster bombs and nuclear weapons, worthless broadcasting and the "entertainment industry".

i wish i was an extra-terrestrial missile launcher with the power to destroy this planet that is wasted by humans. i've wanted to kill the human race since i was just a kid.

seen all sorts of specialists many years, been on all sorts of pills, tried this self-help, that self-help, it all comes down to the above paragraphs every time.


^^^
i'm posting the above here to see reactions if any. i seriously doubt anyone can help me ever. my guess is that whatever the case is it's going to feed this black hole inside.



criss
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Jul 2007
Age: 58
Gender: Male
Posts: 507
Location: London

29 Jul 2007, 3:11 am

I think you give a great critique of the consumerist and capitalist society we live in. Your anger is valid and important and inspiring. The only thing I can't connect with you on is wanting to hurt people. However, I am 41 now and when I was 13 I felt bitter and deeply resentful, I too was on many drugs given to me by the doctor, i did want to blow th world up too, however I cam to see latter on in life, all I wanted was to blow up peoples indifference and ignorance.

To be hopeful we need to do hopeful things, but first I feel we need to be listened to at great depth. If we can experience this, we have something to built on I feel. Google Catholic Worker, they are a group of christian anarchists who have a profound love for the underdog combined with contempt for the systems which you rightly are at war with.

Peace to you brother

Chris


_________________
www.chrisgoodchild.com

"We are here on earth for a little space to learn to bear the beams of love." (William Blake)

Thank God for science, but feed me poetry please, as I am one that desires the meal & not the menu. (My own)


earthdweller
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 30 Aug 2006
Gender: Male
Posts: 169

29 Jul 2007, 3:32 am

i think that what you are saying makes sense to me.

i occupy myself on the same things but in a different form many times(i'll think to myself): "people around me are not very sane" (generality), that there are no real solutions for mental disorders that i can see people know of except for prescribed neurotransmitter-altering medicine so i try to find them myself, there's no god, paranoia: people don't want me to succeed & people want to fault find in me, that people notice me(the family-branch that knows me good enough) as an annoyance even though i keep telling myself its not true many times(paranoia again), or that life is too easy for others.

>i've hated life since i was 14. i still hate it now, 10 years later

thoughts don't have to make the meaning in your life real but it is real since it is for you. i couldn't argue over a dead world. i can only give some advice and try to show meaningful things about life because thats what can work.

>no matter what anyone says, my world is dead.

if you are eager to find the problems when you have them then you should be just as eager to solve them, right?

i can see that you like to confirm things like most people do, living in the depressing world that you know of.

>i find it impossible to stay in the present moment and even when i do, whoever's around me will sway me in some other >direction.

personally, my life used to be confusing (i think that i could just as well say it still is) but its not as depressing anymore.

i called that confusion "the fog" and that i lived in "the fog".

and those people who sway you in different directions shouldn't be considered sane if they just don't bother with what it matters to you.

>i see energy-consuming cities with too many bright lights, big machines running overkill, inbred alcoholics, oppressed women, >abused children, factory farms, plagues, brain-damaged legions with ak-47s, cluster bombs and nuclear weapons, worthless >broadcasting and the "entertainment industry".

do you think you know why that is?

>the only time i've enjoyed it is moments of escapism such as fiction, porn, music, computers, the net and drugs.

i used to think that all of that was how people survive but now i think that if someone possesses something and uses it for purposes that is both childish and ways that is unknown to me, i tell myself that if they can't explain what they are doing or provide an answer for me so that i know what to do then they can't help themselves and don't know what they are doing.

>seen all sorts of specialists many years, been on all sorts of pills, tried this self-help, that self-help, it all comes down to the >above paragraphs every time.

to me, self-help is also more a basic understanding of things such as "find the problem in the form of an answer".

there's also a possibility that you can find a subject or something that really does interest you - other than stuff that makes you feel like you are escaping temporarily.

an example of what i was saying about finding a subject that really does grasp ones attention may be like the ones like i have to look for myself so far: alternative medicine, nutrition, toxicity(tabacco, caffeine, alcohol etc) and detoxicants.

its just something for me to consider so to help me comprehend things coming from different angles. the subject of my attention could change rapidly in intensity over a short peroid of time.

>i grew up in an environment that was halfway around the world from where i lived. i was not successful in school.

it should be very much possible to be able to find other people that are kind of like you - people who feel a bunch of nothing in their life: people with some kind of disability etc.

perhaps your life would be more exciting with real problems rather than what you feel as a bunch of nothing. but make sure you know how much more open you are to the world than others with a bunch of nothing in your life, though... :wink:



psybot
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 23 Nov 2005
Gender: Male
Posts: 140
Location: inmymind

29 Jul 2007, 5:36 am

i'm having mood swings at the moment from a psychotic episode that i've just settled down from in the last few days (my second serious episode). at the moment my mind is stuck in previous memories (i think) so this "black soul" memory is something i experienced years ago but never fully resolved.

so now i'm sort of neutral as opposed to the sickly "black death" that i was feeling just hours ago.

i am sometimes regretful to inflict it on WrongPlanet.net Forum. but in my experience, this is the best forum in the world.

criss & earthdweller, your answers have been rich and helpful. thanks.

they helped me to remember the last year or so (well where my mind is at the moment, the previous 12 months is the future) and return my feet to earth. in the last year things have not been so bad as i have made positive moves and have begun to think how to be worthy of my humanoid power. i have started to nullify some bad vices like porn, drugs (including alcohol) and others that i'd mentioned in my post. also i've started to think how i can output help to the "underdog" as you have mentioned criss. however, these at the moment have not even reached the drawing board so there is much work to do. sometimes however, it seems so hard to make a living and help others also. "one step at a time" for me at the moment.



alexbeetle
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Mar 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,314
Location: beetle hole

29 Jul 2007, 8:13 am

psybot: I relate to you post and was there when I was a teenager. Now I have the occasional truthful realisation about the state of the world and the spiralling destruction but it is too terrifying to dwell on. I distract myself with work.

criss: your answer was excellent and helpful to me also - I wish someone could have spoken to me like that all those years ago too.

I think the best way out of this black thinking is to try focus outwardly and to try help others, even if this is just saying a few friendly words to a homeless, destitute person they will appreciate it and it costs nothing. The world is on the whole terrible and destroying itself but we don't have to go the same way - choose what you want to be among all the madness.


_________________
Any implied social connection is an artifact of the distance between my computer and yours.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.


Spaceplayer
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 29 Jun 2005
Gender: Male
Posts: 311

29 Jul 2007, 9:56 am

Poem:
"And how am I to face the odds,
of man's bedevilment's and gods?
I, a stranger, and afraid,
Alone in a world I never made..."
-A. E. Housman

response:
Why didn't you?



krex
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 20 Jun 2006
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,471
Location: Village of the Damned

29 Jul 2007, 12:53 pm

You might be interested in checking out RET(rational emotive therepy).You dont have to go to a DR,just read up on some theories.I found it pretty helpful and I was cynical enough that it was killing me.The difficulty is that nothing you mentioned is not "true".The fact is that you are looking at a "microb" under a microscope and it appears so large you presume it is the universe.It's true that human stupidity,cruelty and greed are in every culture and time period.It would seem logical to assume that humans are insane,as a whole, and the earth would be better off without them.I think really though,there are a few people who are really nuts and they are influencing thiings in the world to their advantage.Their "natural instinct" to have enough to survive comfortably has gone haywire and they can not get full.They believe that if they can create a society of consuming drones who subvert their own instincts,they will finally have enough.But there is no "enough".You can not fill a spiritual hole with material things.(When I say "spiritual",I am not talking about religion or church,but the "non material" part of ourselves/world/universe.It's like trying to fill a sieve....no matter how much you put in it leaks out.

So, as I see it.There are the insane who are trying to fill a whole and the people they influence with their decissions(corporation,government,church)to control of our daily lives.Because of the poverty they have created in many countries,people who would normally be good people,do bad things in an effort to physically survive.These leads to wars,famines,and cruel working conditions for many of the worlds people.Many of the"middle class" are experiencing both forms of insanity,chosing to do unethical things to maintain their own survival and feeling empty and needing to fill it with things and constant diverssions.


You probably aren't going to be able to change this but you dont have to live it.You can waste your own energy in hating "them" or you can try and keep from succumbing to it in your own life.The first step is to stop looking through the microscope.If you look up for a few seconds,you might notice that you cat is cute and the breeze feels good drying the sweat from your skin.You can find ways to fill your own "spirit".When you have batteries that are recharged,you will have more energy to give to others in whatever way feeds your spirit and theirs.Live your ethics and you may feel less need to focus on the insanity of humanity.

Thats as far as I have gotten and maybe as far as I get.I still get sucked into the blackhole,it's a constant process.I'm not saying to be blind or ignorant to the injustices or evils of humans.Just to spend a little more time focusing on positives as well.
Small things....a rock,a tree,a cloud(stole from a short story I like).If my anger would make the world a better place...I would say it was worth it,but I have never seen it do more then create more anger.I am not a nice person when I am angry,no matter if it is a justified and rightous anger or not.It hasnt helped me change the world and was toxic and killing me.So I had to learn how to give "most" of it up.Maybe next life time I will be a strong enough erson to actually actively engage the evil without succumbing to it(look not into the abysse)but I have learned my own limitations and try and work within them.

This isnt some "new age" love the world ladeda.For me it's just a matter of logic.I thought a certain way for years and all I acheived was a few stays in a psychward.Didnt help me,didnt help the world.Time to try something different.Start from the bottom up and rebuild yoursef.You dont have to be babtised or die to be reborn.You just have to decide to kill the thing within that is killing you and find some part of you that wont....then feed it.I wish you well.


_________________
Just because one plane is flying out of formation, doesn't mean the formation is on course....R.D.Lang

Visit my wool sculpture blog
http://eyesoftime.blogspot.com/


lindarthebard
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jul 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 19

02 Aug 2007, 6:43 am

You are an intelligent person, and you have a valid point. People like you need to speak out and be heard. Not so much the killing people, but speak of change to people. Let everybody know.

My spouse is a home maker, so I've encouraged him to speak his mind. He doesn't shut up just because he wants to fit into NT society. I keep a good image because I work for a living, but it's hilarious to watch him rip somebody a new one in a grocery store for letting their kids scream and run about, or to b***h somebody out for stopping dead in the middle of a store exit for no apparent reason (which people seem to do a lot) and start blocking people from leaving.

Speak your mind and the people that really matter will appreciate hearing it.

You'd be a good public speaker.



psybot
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 23 Nov 2005
Gender: Male
Posts: 140
Location: inmymind

05 Aug 2007, 8:23 pm

thanks alexbeetle, Spaceplayer, krex & lindarthebard.

good words & i really feel the poem & response Spaceplayer.

krex. do you recommend any particular people or works if i was to research RET?



krex
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 20 Jun 2006
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,471
Location: Village of the Damned

07 Aug 2007, 11:51 am

It has been many years since I had the original therepy and my therepist was not a "strict RET" although trained in it she said she considered herself too be "eclictic",using whatever she felt worked for each issue.Sorry I cant be more helpful.I would just goggle......."Rational Emotive Therapy" and see what makes sense for you.


When I was going through the threrapy,it was a part of over all chemical dependence treatment.It was inplacement(I lived there)for over 3 months.I knew that I was being "brainwashed" in away,but felt like my brain was "dirty" enough that a good rinse off was helpful.... :wink: .I did have some fear of "losing myself" but it was less of a fear then not getting help resulting in my suicide and that was the dirrection I was headed.I really didnt need to worry about turning into a zombia of the "smiling happy people syndrom" variety.I still posses enough cynicism and skepticism to feed an army(on bitter bile),but less then what had been poisening me.I wish you good luck on your voyage....If you start feeling like listening to Yonni,jut get out a good nihilistic book to rebablance your system. :D


_________________
Just because one plane is flying out of formation, doesn't mean the formation is on course....R.D.Lang

Visit my wool sculpture blog
http://eyesoftime.blogspot.com/