I ain't going to express my feelings ever again

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Joe90
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30 Dec 2021, 3:26 am

I'm just not allowed by anyone to express myself. All I get is "stop whining" and "stop moaning". I am f*****g fed up with it. How come everyone else can whine on and on about everything and if I even attempt to express my inner frustration I'm told the same f*****g words all the time? If I were NT I could just whine all day and people will listen politely. But because I'm a f*****g Aspie people think they can invalidate my feelings by not letting me express them. f**k autism as I always say. It's a good job I don't own a gun because I would have shot myself by now.

I mean, wouldn't you whinge if your boyfriend kept you awake all night with his coughing and constant moving and kicking you in his sleep and you have nowhere else to sleep and you spend each day feeling too sleep deprived to focus on anything?
In fact who WOULDN'T whine when living with sleep deprivation?

Wouldn't you whinge if your supervisor wouldn't let you do your favourite task or never praises you up for doing such a good job and always trying to be positive at work?

Wouldn't you whinge if you normally acted cheerful and positive and grateful but sometimes something frustrates you and you have to let it out?

It is why I come here a lot and pour all my thoughts and emotions out. It's the only place I can truly express myself without people saying "oh stop moaning".

And don't say that to me here even as a joke because I'm not in the mood. I just want to express myself all the time, and I am capable of it but other people don't let me. And it's because I'm an Aspie. All humans whine, it's a common human trait and is an important form of communication, but if you're an Aspie you are under pressure to constantly be happy all the time.

How do I become stronger socially where people are afraid to dismiss my feelings? How do I get my voice heard without being told to stop whingeing? Why is life so unfair? Why was I born an Aspie? Why was the words "whining", "whingeing" and "moaning" invented? How can I stop myself exploding or melting down whenever I'm told those meaningless words when trying to express my feelings? Is this why other Aspies don't express their feelings?


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Jakki
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30 Dec 2021, 4:49 am

Venting about stresses can be important ....and helps to keep a person from bubbling over. In some other manner . Coping with stresses often times can be a developed skill . But how
you vent can be a developed skill. But often knowing when and where are another skill to learn.
Sometimes finding a sympathetic ear can be a real effort too. Often times knowing how much to vent is something to learn too. So you dont burn out the persons ability to listen . And acknowledging someones listening skills need to be mentioned aswell . Cause these people are helping you in that way. These things are more of a guideline, than a rule for getting someone
to be a willing ear. Alot of people seek out a talk therapist, to hold them over inbetween those sympathetic ears . That could be friends .


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30 Dec 2021, 4:20 pm

Joe90 wrote:
How do I become stronger socially where people are afraid to dismiss my feelings? How do I get my voice heard without being told to stop whingeing? Why is life so unfair? Why was I born an Aspie? Why was the words "whining", "whingeing" and "moaning" invented? How can I stop myself exploding or melting down whenever I'm told those meaningless words when trying to express my feelings? Is this why other Aspies don't express their feelings?


I can relate completely, but I'm sorry that I don't have all of the answers you require.

When someone asks how I'm doing, I tend to unload a bit more than they bargained for. It makes most NTs uncomfortable, and they often scramble wildly to come up with a canned response. The one that pisses me off the most is "You are stronger than you think!" It feels so minimizing and invalidating.

Please keep venting here! :heart:


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Joe90
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30 Dec 2021, 4:24 pm

Well I used to go on too much when I was a child. Like whatever I was doing I'd find something to whine and demand about. I was always speaking in a high-pitched tone of voice, like "I want this, I want that, it's not fair, I don't like that..." and so on.
Then when I got to about 17 I started working on this and learnt to whine less or only whine at appropriate times for reasons others can relate to, and also to regulate my tone of voice to make it sound more jokey instead of that miserable, high-pitched voice that can admittedly be annoying.

So this is why I get upset when people still tell me not to express myself on the rare times that I do decide to whine. As an adult I tend to rant more than whine, as a way of standing up for myself or getting my opinion out there. I know NT people that literally whine much more than I do. I don't mind hearing people whine. In fact I sometimes ask people to vent their feelings to me and I listen. I find too much positivity boring.


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30 Dec 2021, 6:20 pm

often times , too much positivity causes me to wonder how genuine it is ?


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31 Dec 2021, 4:44 am

Jakki wrote:
often times , too much positivity causes me to wonder how genuine it is ?

Same, Jakki. Toxic positivity is a very real thing, and it is running rampant in our society. Why can't we just feel and process and speak our emotions without fear of being judged?!


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31 Dec 2021, 4:47 am

Joe90 wrote:
Well I used to go on too much when I was a child. Like whatever I was doing I'd find something to whine and demand about. I was always speaking in a high-pitched tone of voice, like "I want this, I want that, it's not fair, I don't like that..." and so on.
Then when I got to about 17 I started working on this and learnt to whine less or only whine at appropriate times for reasons others can relate to, and also to regulate my tone of voice to make it sound more jokey instead of that miserable, high-pitched voice that can admittedly be annoying.

So this is why I get upset when people still tell me not to express myself on the rare times that I do decide to whine. As an adult I tend to rant more than whine, as a way of standing up for myself or getting my opinion out there. I know NT people that literally whine much more than I do. I don't mind hearing people whine. In fact I sometimes ask people to vent their feelings to me and I listen. I find too much positivity boring.


This sounds like you are learning to mask for other people? No wonder you feel stressed about it!

I hope you can find others (even if it is just us here at WP) who will listen. We all have negative feelings. We hypersensitive autistics just have no trouble putting them out there in the open for the world to see. You shouldn't have to hide how you are feeling to placate the masses.


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31 Dec 2021, 6:39 am

... How exactly do you establish yourself to others, beyond whatever you're aiming as being a "safe, polite and nice" person?

And thought why people dismisses your complaints since you thought whatever you're doing (passing) is "right"?


And if you've been doing that since teenage years, ever tried changing that habit into adulthood for a change?
Because the same rote actions don't always work.

There's also the thing about masking -- being too consistent and having the need to be consistent.
No signs of change or growth, even if it's just the external mask that's growing or changing.

While this itself isn't too unusual (meaning even NTs stop and be stuck, just without masking) there is really something to be addressed there still -- the coping mechanisms.


Lastly, ever actually express said complaints in serious anger?
Though, establishing yourself as close to saintly without showing serious expressions of impatience is hard, unless it's the "you woke up hating everyone all the sudden" route.


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02 Jan 2022, 2:35 am

Joe90 wrote:
I mean, wouldn't you whinge if your boyfriend kept you awake all night with his coughing and constant moving and kicking you in his sleep and you have nowhere else to sleep and you spend each day feeling too sleep deprived to focus on anything?

Dunno what mattress sizes are like in the U.K. (vs. the size of your bedroom), but I'm wondering: Is there any way the two of you could possibly sleep on two separate relatively narrow beds? That could at least solve the problem of him kicking you, and would also solve the problem of bedquakes due to him moving. (If the beds are still in the same room, you would also have the option of moving the beds to be right next to each other when you want to cuddle.)


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kraftiekortie
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02 Jan 2022, 6:10 am

Two twin beds would be good. That’s better than one queen bed.



Joe90
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02 Jan 2022, 8:18 am

My boyfriend is a large man and cannot get on in a single bed. But the rooms are so small in this apartment, we have only just about enough room for one big bed. Also I've gotten used to sleeping in a big bed now. I do wish we could afford a bigger place.


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kraftiekortie
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02 Jan 2022, 8:20 am

A twin bed is not a single bed.

Maybe two Twin XLs will do the trick?



Joe90
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02 Jan 2022, 8:39 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
A twin bed is not a single bed.

Maybe two Twin XLs will do the trick?


Twin beds are two single beds.

I read a twin bed is a small bed for children.


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kraftiekortie
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02 Jan 2022, 10:25 am

I sleep on a Twin XL. Im a short, chubby guy.

2 Twin XLs equals 1 King—exactly.

A Twin XL is a Twin, only longer. Same width.



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02 Jan 2022, 11:00 am

There was a time when me and my husband had a nicely sized apartment for two medium sized people .
And we had a double bed , that bordered on being firm , which worked out quite well for the two of us.
I do not know bed sizes , I understood twins are good for one person , and have had a queen size before which is large for two medium people . But given what was written above, it does sound as if 2 twins might be a good answer


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kraftiekortie
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02 Jan 2022, 11:37 am

Two UK single beds together:

72 inches wide by 75 inches long.

Smaller than a US King, but larger than a US Queen.

Larger than a UK King, but smaller than a UK Super King.

I should have done the thorough research earlier.

Is your boyfriend over 6 feet tall?