Being female :(

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Firstly, I don't think being female in itself is bad in any way but I'm so tired of the experience of being seen as one and my feeling of being disconnected from it. To me I just know I'm seen as a young woman and play the part and hope I do a good job but it feels like just that, a performance.

There's all this pressure to be attractive and I fail at that. I don't think I look bad but I seem to repel guys for some reason :/. I don't feel like I fit in with most girls either but that's probably because my awkwardness. I also was invisible for awhile in secondary and guys seemed uncomfortable around me in sixth form, as did the girls. In some cases I wonder if I was being mocked. Add in the fact I'm mixed but look fully black and that adds to the complication.

I just feel that I feel like I fail as a female, I'm not feminine enough even when I try to dress the part, something about me seems to be repulsive and I just feel uncomfortable and repulsed by my own form. I just wish I could be androgynous and be nothing. I hate being female. It feels like if I was successful then I have to accept being preyed on. To be honest, I don't even feel human and more like a weird impostor creature.

Hi Ivpin,
I'm not sure what to say but I want you to know I read your message and I care. You must feel very overwhelmed with all these pressures. I feel the same way but thankfully, I'm not in school or exposed to social standards anymore. I've never felt like a "female" or a "male" either and although I wouldn't call myself nonbinary I just don't buy into the expectations. I feel like a disembodied mind, existing in a cerebral world without the confines of a physical form. Maybe it's part of being autistic to be so inward and to experience life on a grander scale.

Do you journal? The kinds of tensions you describe would make for insightful reading. I'm thinking of The Bell Jar as an example of women disenfranchised and alienated by societal constraints. Feeling other - feeling what you feel and I feel, and perhaps many more of us feel on a daily basis.

The you inside is an amazing person, so please don't lose sight of that.

I'm encouraged that you like to write.

You might really enjoy "Inside the Bell Jar" about Sylvia Plath (BBC2).

I hope this link works.