blitzkrieg wrote:
Edna3362 wrote:
I'm not a "good person". I just am not. And I knew from a very early age.
No, I wasn't judged or labeled at such.
And no, it didn't stemmed from guilt or shame, but indulgence.
People telling me to be kind or nice or gentle or whatever virtuous and moral crap just annoys the sh*t out of me.
So I hate shame and guilt or whatever people calls a conscience.
And no, I'm not a sociopath who can't tell from good and evil. I just wish I don't care.
A lot of things I could've achieved and done in life if it were the case.
But I cared too much. The person I'm born as is an emotional crap whose lens are too colored and fussy, than the supposed unemotional hyper rational kind.
I don't like it. It held me back.
And it's one of the aspects I truly dislike about autism -- it made me incompetent in this particular area I want to act upon.
Emotions are complex & everybody has an individual emotional landscape, and the only way to truly know a person is to meet them in the context of an in person meeting.
That is difficult as a disabled person & social meetings need to be done in a safe manner.
I don't want to "be" within the "safe" places to
supposedly enjoy peace.
I've been living in such for almost my whole life.
I just am not the right person who truly enjoy it and appreciate it.
I want to
create the
unsafe and the
unpeaceful. Relish in it and get away with it.
But I can't. It's the only basis I truly considered myself disabled.
Last edited by Edna3362 on 06 Mar 2022, 8:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.