My final decision

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Thank you, Slailie01. And I'm sorry about everything you've been through.

Problem is, I'm over a decade older than you, and I know from life experience that it doesn't ever get better. At least not for me. When I was planning to end my life in 2009, my mother told me things would get better. Yet here I am 13 years later, and nothing is better.

On paper, it may perfectly fine for me to date or marry a woman 15 or 20 years younger than me. But no actual woman want to do that, or if someone does it's because she wants someone wealthy. And it's a moot point anyway, considering that I could never get a girlfriend of any age.

I can't get a job I like. Despite my degree and capabilities, nobody would ever give me a chance because all they could see I'd some weirdo with ASD. I'd love to be an astrophysicist or chemist or something like that. But I do not possess the undergrad prerequesits required for those fields and cannot afford to go back to college.

"Weirdos with ASD" should be -- and hopefully sometime very soon will be -- seen as having an especially desirable role in special education. Please get in contact with the already-existing online networks of autistic special educators and autistic hiring consultants to see if you can get some advice on how to make your autism a plus rather than a minus.

Here is something I ran into on Twitter just last night:


Unfortunately the afore-mentioned online networks, at least on Twitter, seems to be based mainly in the U.K., but hopefully some are growing in the U.S.A. too.

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 21 Apr 2022, 10:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

Hopefully not just cliques. Hopefully groups that can grow, perhaps splitting into smaller groups as they grow.

In any case, we need mutual aid groups of various kinds.

More good news from Twitter, this time here in the U.S.A.:

Various autism community bigwigs were apparently hosted at the White House recently, as usually happens once a year during April (Autism Awareness Month, a.k.a. Autism Acceptance Month). But a new development this year is the inclusion of many more autistic self-advocates than usual, according to Julia Bascom, head of the Autistic Self Advocacy Network:

This was in response to the following, by Emily Voorde:

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 21 Apr 2022, 1:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Dorkseid,

I am concerned that your current bout of suicidal depression is happening at a time in your life that is absolutely critical to getting your career in special education off the ground.

Right now you NEED to focus on finishing your degree, and on getting a job. Please, during the next month or two, try to focus on those things, NOT on your (lack of) love life! You can worry about the latter issue later, after you have a job.

I will try to keep an eye out for autistic DEI (diversity, equity, and inclusion) consultants on Twitter. There are some such people here in the U.S.A. (including at least a few in the Bible Belt) whom I can refer you to next time I encounter tweets of theirs.

the experience had is that life is a constant bout of weathering human frailties that are ever clouding or coloring the lens of perception in a given moment, and that it getting better doesn’t necessarily help as even those with far more to be grateful of can be far more miserable in self neglect, but perception can be sculpted predictively in self care.

it wasn’t realized that from unaddressed traumas from childhood, repressions, and poorly managed health, that much of recallable life had been suffocatingly entombed in a crisis state of mind until leaving it in beginning to address such with undivided attention upon reaching breaking point a few years back, as it had been normalcy for so long. it’s not that life isn’t still melancholic, it’s that beauty can be seen in it again with a child’s uncertain curiosity, and silver linings minded in most adversity if to view it from enough angles.

it is hoped you can find a similar peace in living.

as for romance, though great, it’s like binding one leg to another’s before the long road ahead for walking through the heavy snows, swimming through the floods, or climbing the mountains, requiring great efforts of cooperation to reach the same needs, ambitions, and dreams one had prior to joining. women have far more to lose getting trapped in a relationship with someone who may not pay their path enough mind, with their head in a cloud as if on top of the world, especially if to wind up with children. such is a major reason for not taking it personally that the vast majority would likely only want to be friends at most, because caution can be related to in having been dragged to crippling opportunity devoid ends of alienating nowhere for father’s ambitions for much of life.

Do you meditate?

Do you have religious or spiritual views?

What keeps me alive is silence, solitude, meditation, helping others. But my life is very simple. Always has been. Far less than ideal. I only have my parents who are aging. I have no relationship partner and doubt I ever will.

But I believe I have a “checklist” to make before “God” or whatever else is happy. So I do as much good here as I can before I go.

It does.
I was suicidal for a decade from around 20-30.
I haven't been depressed ever since.

I am financially secure, but apart from that, I would be considered a major Loser in terms of mainstream standards.
I don't give a frig.

I don't measure my worth against the standards of philosophically unenlightened people.

Once again, it seems to boil down to your lack of a soulmate.
Most of us have the instinct to find a partner, myself included, but it is not the end of the world, for me.
I actually prefer the single life.

Last edited by Cornflake on 22 Apr 2022, 6:56 am, edited 1 time in total.: Removed an unnecessary sexual reference. Please keep such things for the adult forums.

My piece of junk car is falling apart on me. The engine dies and I have to restart it every single time I break at a red light or stop sign. And it just keeps getting worse. I already went to some mechanics and wasted over $800 fixing or replacing what they told me to, but that did nothing to fix the problems I'm having. And I cannot afford a new car.

Where I live, it is impossible to function without a working vehicle. I know this because I've been in this position before. Public transportation is woefully inadequate: there are no bus stops close to where I live, and even if there were the busses don't start running until after I'm already expected to be clocked in. I need to be looking for a full-time teacher job, but I can't get around to make it to interviews, and the few I might be able to get to won't even consider giving me a chance if I don't have a vehicle.

I'm screwed.

Update: It happened. My car won't start at all now.

Wow, that's a big thing. It's important.
Is it possible to talk to the mechanics tell them it didn't fix the issue and your car got worse and you have no more money. If they can check it and see if they can do anything about it?

I wonder if renting would be cheaper just so you don't remain without any transport.

Your car has a tuning problem… if mechanically it was able to start and run . Before it quit, means mechanically the vehicle is operational. Sounds like a fuel flow problem, or a vacuum leak . Either a vacuum line is disconnected or worn out and rotted, possibly a intake manifold”d gasket.( worst case) . If fuel flow possibly a gasoline filter .
These are just thoughts for diagnosing tuning issues, of course this is not to discount possible carburetor issues.
Any of these repairs are far cheaper than buying a new car. Might go through. Utube channels for diagnosing your model vehicle .

Just my 5 cents worth . Sounds as if your mechanic is messing you over possible?

Just that, from YOUR life experience. And the experience can change but I understand its tricky depending on who you're surrounded by, the support you have and state of mind.

I suggest befory you go that you eat some magic psilocybin mushrooms. They defragment your brain as they repair and rebuild neuron pathways and study finds that they are great at changing outlook and battle depression. Give it a try. I dislike "professionals" myself as I think many of them are very incompetent and I personally dont believe you can medicate the spectrum, our issues come from our negative responses to our sh***y environments. We are reactionary creatures greatly stimulated by the situations we find ourselves in and how we interpted how we can navigate them.

+ your post is a cry for suggestions and alternatives to your permanent solution. I understand why people post like you did but you have to understand that autists are highly empathetic and great problem solvers so its a bit cruel to lay this infront of them and say there is no other answer. They are hurting when you hurt. And you're not alone in enduring.

Im not some junky by the way, I occasionally do shrooms and never touch anything else. You got nothing to lose.
Even professors and scientists microdose psilocybin mushrooms and say it has helped them tremendously in their carriers and studies.

You said you're looking to teach, maybe you can find a remote teaching gig on the internet (toutoring students?).
If your car is broken maybe there is somone who you can ride into town with for some gas money. Or get a bike if it's not terribly far. Or a scooter.

Take care.

Are scooters expensive in Ammuuuria?

New scooters are pricey, it depends on brand . Older used used scooters can be very reasonable . But always best to have one of those checked out by a good mechanic .

I'll just tell my coworkers I got offered a teaching job abroad. Then I'll take a random Greyhound to somewhere nobody knows and disappear forever.