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Joe90
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09 May 2022, 10:52 am

OK, I wrote this in another thread but I had derailed the thread enough so I thought I'd start a fresh thread on the issue so that I can see if I can solve this mystery.

The one who gives the best answer wins.
I have bolded the bits I don't want people to miss.



I don't really know what people are drawn to. There was this girl who I used to work with, and she had BPD (borderline personality disorder). She had an angry sort of scowl on her face but still seemed to attract men and even got chatted up by a passerby she didn't even know, while I stood there totally ignored (not that I wanted to get chatted up like that but it's the principle of it that got to me). She was rather gothic, was quite immature, and was sulky and selfish and had that aggressive vibe about her. She'd always give everyone her life story and always made everything about her and didn't seem to care about anyone else or their problems. She got on my nerves. But she seemed to attract both men and women. The other females preferred her to me, and the other guys all fancied her. Working with her really destroyed my self-esteem and I was glad the day she was fired. I don't know how she got so popular. I'm not saying she was ugly or anything but I wouldn't say she was stunningly attractive. Like I said she often had a miserable sort of scowl, which I was always taught that was unattractive even if you are attractive. I've learnt to smile and be happy and positive around people at work, despite all that I've been through with my mum dying and everything. I don't sit there whining and going on and on about myself like I do here, I'm a different Joe90 offline.

I just don't. Get. It. In fact this must be the eighth wonder of the world. I've scratched my head so many times trying to work this out that I think I've given myself dandruff.

What is the answer to this? What was this girl's secret? I can't ask these people though because it'd look weird, like I'm trying to start up some sort of attention-seeking drama or something, which isn't what I'm intending. I am just baffled as well as hurt.

Please, no sex jokes or stupid answer please. If you need to joke then go to the joke thread in the random discussion that I specially asked to get stickied. This is the haven.


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kraftiekortie
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09 May 2022, 10:54 am

I feel the same way.

People aren't really "drawn" to me, either. But I had to learn to accept it.

There's no logical reason why you might not be popular, while this person with BPD is popular. It's sort of the luck of the draw, in my opinion.

In order to get a better idea of this, I'd probably have to hang out with you both.



Fnord
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09 May 2022, 11:06 am

Some people are impressed by strong (yet abusive) personalities, and some are completely turned off by the same thing.  I think that MAYBE, while she was able to impress some of the people around her, she rubbed someone higher up in authority the wrong way, and she got fired.  Also, there are people (i.e., suck-ups, sycophants, et cetera) who attach themselves to assertive, abrasive people to protect themselves from their ire, and maybe even get a "free ride" when/if the abrasive person gets promoted.  I strongly suspect that the people who were attracted to her are even now disavowing themselves of their own actions.



Last edited by Fnord on 09 May 2022, 11:07 am, edited 1 time in total.

Joe90
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09 May 2022, 11:06 am

Quote:
In order to get a better idea of this, I'd probably have to hang out with you both.


Yeah, true.

I suppose the best answer I'd get is to ask everyone what they like about the BPD girl so much and not me, but like I said that won't be a good idea at all, I am socially skilled enough to understand that. You don't go around asking people why they don't like you, unless you're really best friends with them and feel you can tell them anything.


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Joe90
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09 May 2022, 11:09 am

Fnord wrote:
Some people are impressed by strong (yet abusive) personalities, and some are completely turned off by the same thing.  I think that MAYBE, while she was able to impress some of the people around her, she rubbed someone higher up in authority the wrong way, and she got fired.  Also, there are people (i.e., suck-ups, sycophants, et cetera) who attach themselves to assertive, abrasive people to protect themselves from their ire, and maybe even get a "free ride" when/if the abrasive person gets promoted.  I strongly suspect that the people who were attracted to her are even now disavowing themselves of their own actions.


Are you saying this girl had a strong personality that attracted people so much? That is probably true. Maybe I have a weaker personality, like I come across as placid and timid? Could that be the answer? I'm not scratching my head at this thought...


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Fnord
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09 May 2022, 11:15 am

Joe90 wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Some people are impressed by strong (yet abusive) personalities, and some are completely turned off by the same thing.  I think that MAYBE, while she was able to impress some of the people around her, she rubbed someone higher up in authority the wrong way, and she got fired.  Also, there are people (i.e., suck-ups, sycophants, et cetera) who attach themselves to assertive, abrasive people to protect themselves from their ire, and maybe even get a "free ride" when/if the abrasive person gets promoted.  I strongly suspect that the people who were attracted to her are even now disavowing themselves of their own actions.
Are you saying this girl had a strong personality that attracted people so much? That is probably true. Maybe I have a weaker personality, like I come across as placid and timid? Could that be the answer? I'm not scratching my head at this thought...
Joe, because I do not know you, I cannot say for certain, but what you said could be possible.

Consider this: You -- a "placid and timid" person -- still have a job, while her -- an "assertive and abrasive" person -- does not.

This is a big win for you!



munstead
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09 May 2022, 11:26 am

I can't give an honest view because you have posted this in the Haven.



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09 May 2022, 11:31 am

Just my opinion.

Being nice is not good enough to attract people. People play politics and they are often attracted to assertive/confident people. There must be some vibes that she's radiating that comes from her inner confidence. People feel good about themselves to be associated with strong people. It's like some kind of hierarchy. In general autistic people are not very good at looking confident because they are socially awkward. People also find it a lot easier to approach easy-going-looking people. Maybe that girl has that, despite her scowl?

So it's not necessarily that you are unattractive physically but you probably don't have this assertive/confident/easy-going appearance, whereas she does, maybe?

Edit: fixed bad grammar



Joe90
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09 May 2022, 11:38 am

Quote:
Consider this: You -- a "placid and timid" person -- still have a job, while her -- an "assertive and abrasive" person -- does not.

This is a big win for you!


Ha - people still love her though, even though she seems so incapable of looking after herself and being an adult. I even heard she has meltdowns in public if it gets too busy - something even I have the social skills to control. She's a very insecure and angry person who isn't the best at talking to people.


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kraftiekortie
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09 May 2022, 12:10 pm

Think of it this way:

This person is more likely to be exploited by a man than you would be.

I've met quite a few "charming" women who have been victimized by men. These women sometimes want a little adventure----and they certainly get it---but it's sometimes not what they bargained for.

This is also related to "wanting to go to bars and pubs to get drunk." Women who do this are much more subject to negative attention from men than women who stay sober.

I'm not as "charming," or as charismatic, as other men. However, I feel that I've gotten in less trouble in life, over all, because I am not "charming" or charismatic. People don't seek me out too much----whether via positive or negative motivations.



Joe90
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09 May 2022, 1:15 pm

munstead wrote:
I can't give an honest view because you have posted this in the Haven.


Well if what you're thinking is "the answer is that you're an autistic nobody" or "you can't force people to like you" or "you're probably just the same as you are here but just oblivious to it" or (my favourite) "grow up", then you don't need to post because I wasn't really asking for honest honest answers, as those are usually just insults.


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Where_am_I
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09 May 2022, 3:40 pm

Joe90 wrote:
I don't sit there whining and going on and on about myself like I do here, I'm a different Joe offline.


And yet you have friends here. Maybe this is what people are drawn to?

This girl probably did have some kind of aura she was giving off. Sharing her life story probably made people feel close to her. I dunno. I once read an article that said people bond and grow close when they share things about each other. I knew a similar colleague to the one you described and people flocked to her.


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Joe90
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09 May 2022, 4:06 pm

Where_am_I wrote:
Joe90 wrote:
I don't sit there whining and going on and on about myself like I do here, I'm a different Joe offline.


And yet you have friends here. Maybe this is what people are drawn to?

This girl probably did have some kind of aura she was giving off. Sharing her life story probably made people feel close to her. I dunno. I once read an article that said people bond and grow close when they share things about each other. I knew a similar colleague to the one you described and people flocked to her.


But I've been told here not to whine and talk about myself to people offline because it is not socially skillful. Or whenever I do whine people always say "stop moaning", so I've got to always keep positive, which is hard to do when you have things on your mind that you want to let out. I do talk about myself to people so that they can know me more but then I feel like a narcissist or a sociopath.


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Where_am_I
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09 May 2022, 4:17 pm

I didn't win :(

Ok, was she polished? Dressed well, make-up, nails and hair always perfect? That could be a factor too.


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Joe90
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09 May 2022, 4:20 pm

Where_am_I wrote:
I didn't win :(

Ok, was she polished? Dressed well, make-up, nails and hair always perfect? That could be a factor too.


Weeeell, yes and no really. She had a gothic sort of style. She didn't wear make-up really, but she did have long false nails, brightly painted.

I need to bite my nails as a sort of stim (it's better than smoking, right?) but if I did decide to stick false nails on and paint them bright colours would that suddenly get me popular? Would girls be running up to me wanting to be my friend?


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09 May 2022, 4:26 pm

I think a lot of good answers have been given, but also the scowl could suit her gothic look, and give an overall strong impression.