Definitely still autistic. :/

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goldfish21
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30 May 2022, 12:16 pm

I'm going to vent a bit. As much as I clash with some here, there's a certain comfort in belonging to this community of people who don't belong and I do value your replies.

I f****d up and unfortunately put my best friend in a position where he had no choice but to fire me from my job working for his company for the last 1.5 years or so.

Cliffs:

I don't have an even calm cool temperament all the time. It fluctuates with other symptoms. It's generally WAY BETTER than it was a decade ago, but not as even as it needs to be to work in that environment. What did me in, and I fully accept as my fault (as frustrating as AS symptoms are I can't just blame AS; it was ME.), was when one hothead employee was being a jerk making my job more difficult. I called him out on it and told him not to do it. He snapped and shouted at me, and my reaction was.. poor. I snapped and shouted louder back at him and then frustratingly went to speak to my friend about the incident. The temporary rift between me and that employee wasn't the thing - that guy loses his cool and snaps now and then with about the frequency I do.. the issue was that a very soft hypersensitive ultra fragile EXTREMELY fragile employee overheard the raised voices and it made him feel uncomfortable. I Knew that him and the rest of his team are that way, and that saying or doing anything to rock that boat is a fireable offence. But sometimes I can't control my reactions as well as I wish I was able to consistently do and I reacted poorly for the last time there. That team are the MVP's of the entire business. Without them the business fails. They're paid decently, but by industry standards they could work for someone else for more money or relocate for a LOT more money. I understand my friend's position, that he has to make difficult decisions to continue growing his tech business as fast as he can - and this was one of them.

He'll pay me out everything owed + any severance/vacation pay + an additional severance sum, which is beyond generous. I have significant savings, not enough to retire or anything, but I'm not concerned for immediate needs etc. I can easily find another job or 2 or 3, especially back in construction (where it's much more socially acceptable to snap back at someone that snaps at you) where almost everyone in construction is working minimum 50 hours/week right now. It sucks that I f****d this up. It sucks that I put my friend through this, too. But we'll remain friends and I'll still be close with his wife and kids. :) It also sucks because this was the highest paying job I'd ever had and with the things we set in motion it would have gotten much more lucrative. :/ Never know, I might do something else lucrative in my life tho - each time I ended up getting the highest paying job I ever had it was a new high score, after all. It Could happen again.

I'd love to go back to school full time but I dunno if I can afford to. People used to be able to work all summer and then coast during the school year.. LOL not anymore! Life is extremely expensive here. BUT, I suppose there are options if I REALLY want to study. I could start and go until I run out of money and hope my grades are good enough to get some funding or justify student loans. I could seek a job out of town and go work my ass off in the frozen North at some camp each summer and then come back and be a student. I could work 6-7 days a week all summer and then trim down to part time work and live as cheap as possible while studying and see if I can float month to month without going too far backwards. But this recent f**k up has me questioning if I ever SHOULD go back to school.. if I have the temperament for serious studies, grad school, and then more critically a professional job. Maybe, maybe not - hard to say. Maybe I do belong on a construction site - it's kinda in my blood for a few generations. But maybe with age/wisdom I might mellow out more.. especially if I take the next step in advancing how I treat my symptoms. I've been procrastinating on that for years tbh. I keep telling myself 'I just wanna get this and this and this crossed off my procrastinated to do list,' and Then I'll explore that. FFS apparently it only costs approx $2000 and it COULD change my life for the rest of my life if it works (FMT) and if it Does work then there's a CHANCE that I could be much more even tempered for the rest of my life - that's a nice positive thought rn, tbh.

And ofc life and family change things, options, and possibilities, too. Especially if it comes to fruition that I'm going to move in with one of my teen aged Godsons so that he can finish high school living in a better home than the one he's in. Also, my father is dying. Cancer, heart failing, diabetes - statistical probability is that his heart fails before anything else. So that's been stressful. Plus he may want us all to take a family vacation in August, which will cost some money. I have a few other big ticket expenses committed to as well, but even all in paying for very expensive things it's still less than 10% of my savings and I'll be Okay - especially if I get back to work sooner rather than later.

Today I'm off to do a bit of work for my brother, gonna swing by a supplier for a couple tools of my trade I may need again pretty quick, maybe meet a friend or two this eve - including the one that let me go yesterday as he said we could get together this early eve if I'm free. I have some overdue taxes and accounting to complete this week, some cleaning/home maintenance. I have a couple training sessions/workouts scheduled that I want to continue with despite the expense as it's truly fantastic for my physical health and that'll carry on for life. I probably have a few more things I should cross of my overdue list over the next week or two as I figure out my next right move. Also might meet up with my favourite bundle of red flags fwb this eve and tell him some things he Needs to hear - like 'I care about you. Stop slipping and go check into detox so you can get back on track and we can be friends a long time.' I might spend a little more time at the beach or motorcycling, maybe I'll go buy a new helmet and radio.. maybe I'll go buy a wet suit and go kiteboarding. Maybe I'll collect unemployment insurance and coast through the next 2-3 summer months we've been waiting so long for, do a couple odd jobs, register for trade school in the fall again. I dunno for sure - undecided/indecisive.. I'll figure it out - but what I do know for sure is I'm not gonna sit around having myself a pity party moping about the situation. I spent FAR TOO MUCH TIME grieving the deaths of friends and family over the last couple years and I KNOW damned well that sitting around in stunned silence wasting time accomplishing nothing while I 'grieve,' the loss of a job isn't something I'm going to do - waste of time. I've learned from my friend's ways to force myself to be more present and not worry about what's done, just move on. He wouldn't want me to waste time over this! Just like I don't want him to lose sleep over it etc.

To end on a positive note about the job: I am at least proud of the changes I helped him make and the things I did accomplish there. I sorted out his business model/expansion plans, refined some things and set them in motion - interpreting for him daily because he's deaf. We grew the company by 8 full time people in 16 months. We nearly doubled revenues over the same time period or so. I/we hired some great talent into newly created positions that are going to do great things for his empire. We pulled the trigger on a necessary eviction, a much more necessary firing, renovations, another business or two being started etc. My friend deserves all the success in the world and I cannot stand in the way of his success - so, in a way, I'd have made the same decision in his shoes. I want to see him propel to immense wealth - far beyond multi-millionaire status, because he deserves it. He's the most flow state present multi tasking highly productive CEO I'll likely ever meet. And he's not doing it for status or material wealth or lifestyle etc. He's doing it for a much MUCH more valuable legacy.. in his retirement, he looks forward to writing very large cheques to the BC Children's Hospital where he practically lived for a while as a youngster. So, ofc I wish him all the success in the world & accept that he cannot allow me to be a constraint to that - nor would I want to be.

Blah blah blah, no one read this whole wall of text but it did feel a bit therapeutic to get it off my mind and share it here. Thank you for that. I'm gonna finish my coffee and go shower up and gtfo of here and get something accomplished. Hope you all are well. 8)

edit: I guess my resume will continue to be.. autistic. Working, making mistakes, f*****g things up, doing different work, rinse and repeat. :lol: Something like that. On the bright side, I've been able to do many different jobs with many great people - variety is the spice of life and all that. And living where I live, I could f**k up and lose a job daily and have 2 more by morning. :P That's not my plan, buuuut, it is comforting to know that I always have options.. maybe harder working less lucrative job(s) for a spell, but there is always, always, always tons and tons of work available for anyone that hasn't skipped down due to housing costs. Even though property values are starting to slide a bit, rents are continuing to spiral upwards.. $2700/mo for a 1 bedroom in the city now. :crazy: Glad I rent inexpensively from family and am insulated from this craziness! God bless the decades of hard work my father put in to buy and pay off a home when it was still feasible! His hard work and sacrifice allows me to f**k up and not be homeless. I'm truly grateful for that beyond what he will ever comprehend.


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ThisTimelessMoment
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30 May 2022, 1:21 pm

Wow Goldfish21! Truly inspiring.
I have had plenty of struggles with similar workplace meltdowns. In the past it would take months to recover. These days are better, though that's partly due to falling out of the workplace completely!
Your positivity is amazing. Well done you!! Wasting time on moping really gets you nowhere. And I agree that variety is where its at. I wish you all the best!


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30 May 2022, 3:16 pm

Could you move to go to university and then move back home? Hope things go better for you. It's expensive to live everywhere now. But yes I know it is expensive in the West.

There's really nothing wrong with not being happy and laid back all the time. Your human.

We're made to believe everything is supposed to be okay all the time. It's not really reality.

Ah but we have to pretend and keep it together. Its hard for everyone sometimes.



klanka
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30 May 2022, 4:04 pm

What do you think your chances are , of getting a job on that level in a timely fashion



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30 May 2022, 4:13 pm

Nice to see your human side goldfish. Failure and setbacks are a part of life. You will definitely bounce back.



IsabellaLinton
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30 May 2022, 4:22 pm

I'm really sorry to hear what happened, Goldfish. I know how much you loved that job.

I understand that you're taking full responsibility for what happened but was it the first time you flipped out that badly? Is there a way you can grovel a bit and offer to go to Anger Management classes, see your doctor (possible meds), or be on a type of probation, or ... something? Does the person who was upset understand that you're autistic? Is there any way to mitigate some of the bad feelings with an apology and explanation of how badly you feel?

Sometimes when feelings blow over it's a lot easier to be objective (on both sides).

Again, sorry. That all really sucks.



klanka
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30 May 2022, 4:52 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
I'm really sorry to hear what happened, Goldfish. I know how much you loved that job.

I understand that you're taking full responsibility for what happened but was it the first time you flipped out that badly? Is there a way you can grovel a bit and offer to go to Anger Management classes, see your doctor (possible meds), or be on a type of probation, or ... something? Does the person who was upset understand that you're autistic? Is there any way to mitigate some of the bad feelings with an apology and explanation of how badly you feel?

Sometimes when feelings blow over it's a lot easier to be objective (on both sides).

Again, sorry. That all really sucks.


Hmm that is a good idea



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31 May 2022, 9:50 am

Bummer, but you are resilient and have a positive outlook.Maybe you will find a even better job, you have plenty of skills to offer an employer.Meanwhile enjoy your free time.


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goldfish21
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31 May 2022, 10:30 am

ThisTimelessMoment wrote:
Wow Goldfish21! Truly inspiring.
I have had plenty of struggles with similar workplace meltdowns. In the past it would take months to recover. These days are better, though that's partly due to falling out of the workplace completely!
Your positivity is amazing. Well done you!! Wasting time on moping really gets you nowhere. And I agree that variety is where its at. I wish you all the best!


Thank you - doing the best I can here! Haven't informed my parents/others - kind of difficult news to break.. but it is what it is and it'll be the same whenever I tell them. Sometime soon I guess, maybe today, but probably by the end of this week.

I'm gonna go finish some drywall work for my brother tdy, a workout this afternoon, back to drywall after if it's not totally done yet and then if my body isn't destroyed from the workout/training session, a full day motorcycle ride is possible tomorrow as my brother in law has the day off and texted to see if I could go. It's the one nice day for a while. Good timing considering I have free time lol


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goldfish21
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31 May 2022, 10:35 am

Sarahsmith wrote:
Could you move to go to university and then move back home? Hope things go better for you. It's expensive to live everywhere now. But yes I know it is expensive in the West.

There's really nothing wrong with not being happy and laid back all the time. Your human.

We're made to believe everything is supposed to be okay all the time. It's not really reality.

Ah but we have to pretend and keep it together. Its hard for everyone sometimes.


Maybe ? but I can't really move away right now as the situation with my Godson is in limbo.. the moment he's able to break free from the home he lives in, I need to be here for him to move in with. I'm okay with that.

I could maybe do some courses online to get my feet wet - even free first year ones that give real transfer credits. Then part time at a local college/university - but the thing is part time classes are very very expensive compared to full time schedules. BUT, they allow you to do one or two at a time while still working, see if you can make the grade etc. I could do that for a few years maybe. I dunno yet - maybe it's just a dream to dream about vs. something that I can pull off. OR maybe I can do it bit by bit over time. It's nice to think about though.. keeps me saving vs. wasting money. Although the personal trainer I'm working with is Very Expensive for my budget.. pros and cons though; it's also Very Good for me. Hard to have time and money for all the things someone Wants to do in life that's for sure.


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goldfish21
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31 May 2022, 10:37 am

klanka wrote:
What do you think your chances are , of getting a job on that level in a timely fashion

Very slim Unless I pursue a job in some sort of Construction Management - an industry where communications can be a bit rougher vs. super soft all the time as historically there are a lot of angry yellers far worse than me. But I dunno if I wanna do that exactly tbh. I might just go back to my trade for a while.. I'm on the spectrum - not dealing with people and dealing with tools and materials solo instead is quite enjoyable. Keeps me fit, too.


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goldfish21
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31 May 2022, 10:38 am

cyberdad wrote:
Nice to see your human side goldfish. Failure and setbacks are a part of life. You will definitely bounce back.

Thank you, hope so - even if it's not a bounce back all the way financially it'd be nice to be earning an income that still allows me to save money every month vs. just scrape by or go backwards.


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31 May 2022, 10:43 am

At least you have the 900 steps of the beach....



goldfish21
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31 May 2022, 10:57 am

IsabellaLinton wrote:
I'm really sorry to hear what happened, Goldfish. I know how much you loved that job.

I understand that you're taking full responsibility for what happened but was it the first time you flipped out that badly? Is there a way you can grovel a bit and offer to go to Anger Management classes, see your doctor (possible meds), or be on a type of probation, or ... something? Does the person who was upset understand that you're autistic? Is there any way to mitigate some of the bad feelings with an apology and explanation of how badly you feel?

Sometimes when feelings blow over it's a lot easier to be objective (on both sides).

Again, sorry. That all really sucks.

It's not the first time. I flipped out worse about a year ago at a subcontract employee that was intentionally making my job getting documents to a lawyer by deadline very difficult as he refused to answer a simple question as to whether or not he forwarded required documents to the accountant or not. I lost my cool the worst that time. I've raised my voice a couple other times and have been frustrated at other times - sometimes it's been advantageous and gotten contractors/vendors who were not holding their end of the agreement to get things done as my temperament lit fires under their asses and my friend just smiled about it in those moments, but others it's made young soft fragile people feel uneasy -> and it's never my intent to come across that way, as an intimidating jerk. My physical size and appearance at 6'2 210 lbs with a beard to keep my face/neck warm on the motorcycle doesn't exactly help those types of people not feel uneasy, I get that, too. It's far too easy for soft people to assume that someone who loses their cool verbally could also be prone to violence. (I am not, but I comprehend that they may think/feel that.)

No. 0% chance. My friend is very decisive. These things are not negotiable. I didn't even attempt to grovel or negotiate, I simply accepted his decision and told him I understand it and respect it. He doesn't change his mind - nor does the other guy involved who's much more of a 'corporate soldier.'

When I have been out of line in the past my friend has pointed it out to me, and I know to take those things seriously as he doesn't repeat himself. I simply can't control my reactions consistently 100% of the time and he can't have anyone there that makes his prized nerds feel uncomfortable because if they leave his business fails. So, all around, it was the best and only business decision he could make.

It doesn't matter that I'm autistic. It's still not going to make it acceptable to those ppl to overhear raised voices from anyone. 0 tolerance/accommodation for that. Entirely moot point to raise. I did, however, have a phone chat with one of the other guys yesterday and disclosed all of these things that my friend won't because I wanted my ex-coworkers to know why my reactions fluctuate, that I take full responsibility/ownership, and that I don't blame any of them whatsoever for triggering my poor reaction(s). I also told him I'm gay and appreciate having worked with people that aren't homophobic/transphobic as it's been nice compared to many other work environments where you have to listen to awful talk. I suppose I also wanted him to know that rocking certain boats in the company costs jobs, so he never makes that mistake. I also told him about treating my symptoms And essentially curing/thwarting ASD in my friend's (the CEO) son as an infant so he understood the whole picture connection to his family etc. I told him he was free to relay any/all info to the others, that I would not be reaching out to them out of respect for the owner who prefers a clean break but they were free to contact me if they liked.

There are no bad feelings either way between my friend and I, only mutual understanding/both sorry things had to be this way professionally. I still love him and his family and he knows it. He'll know it even more when his real 40th birthday present arrives.. which is going to cost me several thousand dollars now that the 2nd largest contributor is not going to contribute a penny and I don't want to cancel the order/return others contributions. I kind of feel like this is a very costly life lesson and I deserve to pay this tax for my f**k up, in terms of paying far more than I intended to for the gift.. and also, I feel that following through with it despite my changing financial situation and uncertainty right now will really drive home the point to my friend that no matter what, we are still friends. This professional parting of ways is in no way the end of our friendship. I do hope he feels that love when his side by side early 90's race car arcade game that's being restored right now arrives. 8) There may be a few yet to contribute as they said they would - and that would be nice as it could knock several hundred dollars off the total. Time will tell if they do.


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Last edited by goldfish21 on 31 May 2022, 11:13 am, edited 1 time in total.

kraftiekortie
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31 May 2022, 10:59 am

At least you haven't given up, and are pursuing other avenues.

Have you gotten past "journeyman" yet?



goldfish21
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31 May 2022, 11:01 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
At least you have the 900 steps of the beach....

It's around 500 stairs to the sand. 8) Which I will probably make it to this afternoon! Just about 9am here, finishing breaky, quick shower and grab a few different bags for the day and I'm off to complete some drywall and MAYBE clean it all up before my 3pm workout at or near the beach, then stay there to hangout if the drywall is already cleaned up and packed out.. or back to my brothers to clean up and pack out tools. I'd better slam my coffee and get moving as it'd be extra nice to not have to go back again this eve.. but if so, whatever, cruise across town listening to good music. 8) (downside is burning gas at around $8.30 cdn/us gallon)


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