Why am I pressuring myself into things I don't want to do?

Page 1 of 1 [ 6 posts ] 

chris1989
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 2 Aug 2018
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,088
Location: Kent, UK

10 Apr 2023, 10:18 am

I know this is a question that maybe only I can answer, but I do find me questioning my own self as to why I sometimes self impose pressure into doing stuff I don't really want to do or not very interested in doing because I seem to think or perceive that everyone around me is doing them and that by doing what they are also doing will somehow make me feel much more happier and more content with life because I ''have'' or achieved the same things as what they have.

Some of these things is the ridiculous rushing thoughts of trying to meet someone, start a relationship, be in a relationship long-term and then have a child all because I see other people in their early 30s, late 20s etc doing these things. One of these people is my sister who has a 3 year old son. I seem to feel bad at myself for not experiencing some of the things people in their 20s go through at that stage of life before 30 which includes meeting someone, falling in love and forming a long-term relationship, moving in together, and starting a family for the first time. I've had several friends who were girls, one I really liked but she didn't want anything more than a friendship with me and there was someone else who really liked me but I wasn't sure if she was really the one for a relationship and didn't want to rush into it and ended up staying friends.

I can't understand why I find it so hard to retain what other people in my family, friends and my own self keep telling myself not to compare to other people because trying to live like other people will end up making me feel less happy and less satisfied and also end up missing out doing things I really wanted to do. I keep reminding myself at the same time that other people may not have things which I have. For example, my sister has her own child to care for full time, her own little house which I don't have but I drive a car and have a job which I have held for a few years and my sister hasn't had any jealous feelings about me driving my own car and a long-term paid job. So why am I having similar thoughts because she and other people her age have children and their own homes when they may not have what I have ?



rse92
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 14 Oct 2021
Age: 64
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,086
Location: Buffalo, NY

10 Apr 2023, 10:27 am

You need to go to a therapist. Only you know why you feel the way you do. No one here can answer your questions. A therapist might.



ProfessorJohn
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jun 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,089
Location: The Room at the end of 2001

13 Apr 2023, 12:08 am

chris1989 wrote:
I can't understand why I find it so hard to retain what other people in my family, friends and my own self keep telling myself not to compare to other people because trying to live like other people will end up making me feel less happy


We are hardwired for social comparison. It is part of the social behavior we have inherited. Evolutionary Psychology explains it pretty well. When we were living in hunter-gatherer bands of 50 or so, we had to determine where we stood in the group, so we wouldn't piss off others and get kicked out of the band. If that happened you were dead because you had no one else to defined you or help you hunt for food.



goldfish21
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Feb 2013
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 22,612
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada

18 Apr 2023, 2:26 pm

Because everyone wants what they can't have.


_________________
No :heart: for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.


ProfessorJohn
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jun 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,089
Location: The Room at the end of 2001

19 Apr 2023, 12:48 am

It is pretty common to feel anxious when we are off the social clock-not doing things at the expected ages for them.

Plus how do you know your sister has never felt jealous over you owning a care? Can you read her mind?



Maeko
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 May 2011
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 972
Location: buckingham, Il United States

19 Apr 2023, 1:01 am

chris1989 wrote:
I know this is a question that maybe only I can answer, but I do find me questioning my own self as to why I sometimes self impose pressure into doing stuff I don't really want to do or not very interested in doing because I seem to think or perceive that everyone around me is doing them and that by doing what they are also doing will somehow make me feel much more happier and more content with life because I ''have'' or achieved the same things as what they have.

Some of these things is the ridiculous rushing thoughts of trying to meet someone, start a relationship, be in a relationship long-term and then have a child all because I see other people in their early 30s, late 20s etc doing these things. One of these people is my sister who has a 3 year old son. I seem to feel bad at myself for not experiencing some of the things people in their 20s go through at that stage of life before 30 which includes meeting someone, falling in love and forming a long-term relationship, moving in together, and starting a family for the first time. I've had several friends who were girls, one I really liked but she didn't want anything more than a friendship with me and there was someone else who really liked me but I wasn't sure if she was really the one for a relationship and didn't want to rush into it and ended up staying friends.

I can't understand why I find it so hard to retain what other people in my family, friends and my own self keep telling myself not to compare to other people because trying to live like other people will end up making me feel less happy and less satisfied and also end up missing out doing things I really wanted to do. I keep reminding myself at the same time that other people may not have things which I have. For example, my sister has her own child to care for full time, her own little house which I don't have but I drive a car and have a job which I have held for a few years and my sister hasn't had any jealous feelings about me driving my own car and a long-term paid job. So why am I having similar thoughts because she and other people her age have children and their own homes when they may not have what I have ?


Why did I respond. It's because you felt a rush of energy hoping to get a response or a small percentage of having your feelings validated while not looking at the response.