Mid-life or depression

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Maybe you could reassess where you want to go forward. Lets say that you don't mind the idea of working again in the future but either you don't want to go back to what you were doing before, or because you have money, any future job could be more about pleasure than profit.

So you come up with a plan for a future career, you work towards it, and you let your wife know that you're working on it. She's now happy with this light at the end of the tunnel and you're happy that she's happy.

Have you had any blood tests lately?
There are a number of men's health issues which can also cause you to feel like this.
Midlife crisis or midlife hormone levels needing a top-up?
Your testosterone may be waning or other chemical changes.
It is worth a try.
Is your wife in the middle of her hormones depleting too?
If so not a recipe for marital bliss.

I'm sorry you're in such a place. I can relate, I think.

A couple of years ago I ended up with a shoulder injury that left me unable to work. My husband and I were financially ok and knew that I'd be able to return to work eventually, but the interim time, with just rehab and PT, was incredibly...sad. I love my work (a difference between us, I see, but hold on) and had never felt so useless and helpless before. Again--this despite the fact that I knew I'd get back to work within a year or so, and that I wasn't truly insignificant; I had family and friends who cared and believe that what a person can or can't do does not determine their worth.

But still, I didn't feel like me.

Perhaps your wife is urging you to get a job because it will give you something to do; even a simple job can potentially be a mood booster. At the very least, it can occupy your brain, even if it's just as simple as putting your attention on which items go where on the shelves at the store. Since money's not an issue (or at least it isn't now), a hobby, part-time work, or volunteer position might help. Commitment to someone else's needs or agenda can bring more pleasure to your downtime (in part by defining it), and when you're not even getting paid, you may get some of the less desirable or more mundane tasks, but more appreciation than folks who are taking home a paycheck to do the same thing!

If any part of you does actually want more serious work, though, perhaps your search is hampered by opening yourself to the hassle and rejection that so often comes from applications and interviews, as FleaOfTheChill said, or maybe it really is the opportunities and positions themselves. If you were entering a serious search, and if you were asking for advice, I'd suggest a career counselor.

{If my suggestions are violating terms of The Haven, please ignore them! I'm only putting the ideas out there in case they help clarify your thoughts.)

I might be going through something 'sort of' similar - in it's net effect - but I got there by different means.

I'm 42, living at home with my parents, also working from home (programming .Net Core and Angular applications).

The place I'm at feels really 'liminal'. My parents are in reasonable health but my dad will be 86 this fall and my mom will be 76. All of my dad's brothers and sisters were older than him and they're all gone, he mostly has nieces and nephews left to associate with. For them I can't help but imagine how strange it is to get to that age and probably not feel any closure other than that politics are getting weirder, nothing ever gets fixed in DC, etc..

For me I'm almost certain I'll never be married or have kids. The best way I can describe how strange my life has been - it seems like there are 'common' problems that people have - like getting DUI's, cheating or getting cheated on, getting divorces, getting kicked out of your house by your significant other, kids, grandkids, etc.., and I have none of that. Similarly when people seem to yammer on and can't click two cents together I've learned the only thing worse than broken logic is being the one person in the room who can intelligibly chain two thoughts together. I know I have to be careful with that because it can sound like I'm unintentionally disclosing that I'm an uncouth a-hole but a lot of times what I'm saying is a lot more subtle and I'm just putting the pieces together out loud and then finding out that it's not what you're supposed to do.

It's sort of like - at the same time - being dysgenic and separated from society for my dysgenics, but being intelligent, the resulting differences in behavior and interests gets seen as dysgenics (the sort of thing Bertrand Russell used to speak of often), and then I can't tell how much of my being alienated and 'other' is my differences via being 'intelligent' (an advantage that wears off fast when other people are allowed to participate and 'live' when you're not) vs the strange glitches in my motor coordination that seem to give me an uncanny valley vibe (for example in group photos - everyone looks identically matched in poise and expression and normally my head is cocked in some odd direction and my expression is off even if I'm trying).

I add to that - I'm living at home - on a cul de sac full of couples now who are in their mid 30's, I get to be the freak who only comes out at night, I've had a few exchanges with my nextdoor neighbors that suggested just how much they look down on me (I'm a stereotype and as far as I can tell it's not supposed to be fixed, corrected, ie. it's not a misunderstanding but gospel truth). No one's sizing me up as a pedo yet but that's always on my radar and when the kids are all out playing it really makes me feel like I shouldn't be here.

What feels utterly pointless is I don't see a future. I'm also in a similar place where I'm having to pace my work more than I used to just because I've gotten much more sensitive to 'the line' where if I start shoveling out more productivity than a certain amount it starts damaging my productivity the next day.

Even if my crypto investments pan out well and even if I can retire early or would have the money to start a business, me just looking or being different seems to put a big 'f--- me' sign on my back and so I'd either have to do it all on my own or find someone who I can prove with certainty that I can trust who has whatever other half of what I need (like practical knowledge) to get something like that started.


I think midlife crisis, at least as I'm experiencing it, is a gear shift from a state of constant accelerating progress to realizing that you're an age where it's going to go in reverse from there out and you have to manage the decline. Also yes, it's re-measuring where you're at. A lot of people I've known have gone through similar things, they probably also look at me and ask themselves how I'm even still alive.

I think if you're feeling worn thin you could always pick up some part-time consulting gig? Investment could be one thing as well, ie. the crypto market is in capitulation right now and you could throw a few thousand in Solana, Chainlink, Polkadot, or something like that to see how far it springs up.

For me this is almost it's own dedicated project - ie. living 'post-narrative', figuring out what it's like to keep myself balanced when I feel like any plot or roadmap for the future has really gone up in smoke. I'm sure that'll be something that only sorts itself out with time.

Also if there's something I feel like I've learned the hard way and it's something no one would have ever told me or phrased it to me quite this way - it seems like the bulk of life and what we deal with is non-cognitive, ie. they're problems built more on environmental and even genetic limitations much more than the option to make better choices with the knowledge you have. I do notice a lot of people almost seem to avoid making optimal choices and I can't help but wonder if that's just something they do for the sake of not having to cognitively come to terms with that (ie. preserving the old 'I could have if I'd only tried harder' which means 'I still could...', it's a bit of a security blanket in a world that's a lot stranger and much less logical than to allow all of that). As I think about it - this is probably why NT's don't like aspies sharing their insight into problems - ie. the problems are non-cognitive and unsolvable and they already know the solutions but can't apply them.

Sorry, Fenn.

I thought you were having social difficulties with your colleagues. If you worked from home, you could do your work without having the irritations of in-person work. No bosses to pester you.

For myself, I like it better when I’m at work than when I’m home. It’s because I work alone, and I’m not pestered by my wife.

^ Thanks Kort,
It is hard to explain. I am an introvert and people skills are hard, but covid-19 forced social distancing seemed to make things worse. It is even harder when every communication must be initiated with a purpose electronically. My manager also was an introvert and so was most of the rest of the team. Weekly Team meetings were often cancelled. All project management disappeared.
Two project managers were assigned to our team who then quit. I had to do my work and be my own project manager in order to succeed. My EF and People Skills didn’t keep up. Instead I kind of started to shut down and become depressed.

To keep life interesting - 3 days ago my dad had a stroke.

He is now in stable condition but cannot speak, though Is otherwise alert.

(Maybe this should be a new thread)

Really sorry about that, Fenn.

Keep us posted on his progress, please.

Someone here (Jimmy M) had a stroke about a year to 18 months ago. He wasn’t able to read for a while—but has made lots of progress.

I didn't meant to sound insensitive about blood tests.

You doc would be the best place to go if you are feeling so low.

They can point you in the right direction.

Especially if you are now coping with a sick father too.

Get some professional help before things get any worse.

I met with two councilors last week - I will keep working with at least one of them.

Met with councillor again. Discussed family, dad’s stroke, son’s autism and adhd, my adhd and how to get a autism diagnosis for me and DBT distress tolerance, and finding a doc to rebalance my meds.

Got a phone call - someone saw my resume on Indeed.
Local company (good).
I got through the first interview on MS Teams.
I even got past the "technical skills" part.
Now they want a second interview.
I am feeling fear and anxiety. I don't know if I can do it (when you are on an interview, you always say "of course I can do that" but now I am not so sure).
I am still moving slow. I guess the worse thing is that I could talk myself into a job and then get fired after three to six months. At least I will know I tried, and have some more income. They might not even offer it to me.
What if my ADHD kills my ability to perform. Or ASD (still looking for someone in the area who can DX). Or something else.
?

Sweet Pea hugs