Dumped by a friend. Again.

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KitLily
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30 Jul 2022, 5:40 am

As I suspected, 1 of my 2 friends has disappeared.

I noticed that over the last 8 months she has cancelled our last 2 'coffee dates'. She said it was because her son was ill but I don't know if that is true. Then she kept saying 'we must meet for coffee, I'll check my shift rota.' She works in a convenience store, I'm a freelance editor so I'm more flexible.

And that was a month ago. In our friendship, I'm always the one who texts 'hi how are you?' and asks about her life. She isn't the one who makes the first move. Because she is one of those people who has loads of friends, she knows everyone locally and is very popular. I'm probably just some weirdo she felt sorry for. We actually made friends because we both have very selfish and manipulative mothers. But her mother died a few years ago and mine moved away a few years ago. So maybe we don't have that in common anymore.

The thing is, she probably has a situation happening in her life right now. But so have I. Recently after 17 years of feeling lonely, frightened, excluded, I couldn't take anymore and smashed the kitchen windows, there was glass everywhere. I've been bottling up my feelings for all those years, being the perfect wife and mum, putting everyone else first. And for what? Just to be ignored, excluded, left to struggle on alone.

But at last my husband realised there is something very wrong. He contacted the doctor and made an appointment for me. I didn't go because what's the point? They'll just say 'you can't just give up, other people rely on you.' Whoopee doo. So I'm just valuable in life in relation to other people. Obviously I'm not valuable as an individual.

I hoped my friend would break the habit of waiting for me to contact her and take the initiative. But she hasn't.


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kraftiekortie
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30 Jul 2022, 5:59 am

Indeed….that’s the quandary.

My semantic sense would say that this person didn’t exactly “dump” you. It’s just that she’s a social butterfly, and you’re not ripe to be used by her, so you’re not high on her priority list. It’s almost better that you weren’t friends with her, despite the loneliness.

I’ve had those sorts of situations, too.

In truth, I’m truly glad you’ve been a fine Mum, wife, etc. To me, it’s a lot better than if you weren’t. If you weren’t, you would suffer more regrets. I’ve never been a dad, so I’m fortunate, in a way….but I do feel regret at times.

Everything just came to a head, so you broke the window. At least you could replace the window. Maybe it was a positive wake-up call? Maybe now you could allow yourself to take first place?

There’s no use regretting the action, especially if all is fixed. But do try to learn from this, so that you can create optimal conditions whereby this won’t happen again. Allow yourself the pleasure of self-indulgence, while not hurting others.

Are you seeing a therapist at this point?



KitLily
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30 Jul 2022, 6:12 am

Thanks for your kind reply Kraftiekortie.

I've no idea how to create optimal conditions though. I'd like a group of 4-6 friends to just chat to, and support each other. But I've no idea how to find those. It doesn't seem much to ask in life, does it. Just a few friends.

My husband says 'if you don't count my work colleagues, people from hobby group A, people from hobby group B and my birth family, I have no friends either.' FFS. That is at least 20 people. He has no clue.

I don't have work colleagues or hobby friends or a birth family.

My goal is that in 2 years time when our daughter finally finishes education, we'll move away. I want to move back to my home area with familiar places, and it's livelier and bigger than this tiny, cliquey village I've lived in for 20+ years. I would have moved earlier but I prioritised our daughter's education and life, keeping it stable and consistent for her. Being a good mum and not prioritising myself, because that's what good mums do.

You're probably right about the friend being a social butterfly. Whenever we go out for coffee, she's always leaning round me, going 'hi!' 'hi!' to her other friends.


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Last edited by KitLily on 30 Jul 2022, 6:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

AprilR
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30 Jul 2022, 6:21 am

I am so sorry. I also lost one of my 2 friends recently. I have been trying to reach out to her for a while but she stopped responding. We have been friends for over 15 years.

I also recommend seeing a therapist, they won't only say there are people that need you.
They prioritize your own well being, at least a good therapist would. To feel better for your own sake not just for others.

I don't have the responsibilities of being a parent so i might not understand you well in that aspect, but i am here if you want to talk.



kraftiekortie
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30 Jul 2022, 6:21 am

In the meantime, I would seek to emphasize, in my mind, all the positives which exist in your life.

I understand this won’t work in some situations…..but at least you have the positives to fall back on.

To me, expecting everything to be ideal, and feeling anything else is absolutely negative, is a recipe for disaster. I’ve seen this desire for absolute perfection destroy people…..both in real life, and within novels.

My wife had a son who died young. Paradoxically, this caused me to learn to appreciate the “little things” in life. This doesn’t always work, though—particularly when I don’t have air-conditioning.



KitLily
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30 Jul 2022, 6:38 am

I'm not sure how hoping to find a few friends is expecting life to be ideal? Loneliness is debilitating and feeling unable to stop that loneliness is terrifying. I'm terrified that I have no one to turn to, nowhere to run if things really go bad.

The friend dumping has happened numerous times to me: I find a friend and things are going well. Then suddenly they give me The Stare. And suddenly they've gone. I don't know what I do wrong but it is always The Stare. And off they go.

I've given up on friends really.


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KitLily
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30 Jul 2022, 6:43 am

AprilR wrote:
I am so sorry. I also lost one of my 2 friends recently. I have been trying to reach out to her for a while but she stopped responding. We have been friends for over 15 years.

I also recommend seeing a therapist, they won't only say there are people that need you.
They prioritize your own well being, at least a good therapist would. To feel better for your own sake not just for others.

I don't have the responsibilities of being a parent so i might not understand you well in that aspect, but i am here if you want to talk.


Thanks AprilR. That is a really kind and thoughtful reply. I had only been friends with this one for about 4 years, after putting my heart and soul into finding local friends instead of only online ones. I did my absolute best not to complain, not to talk endlessly about myself, be friendly and supportive. So I gained 2 friends.

The one who is moving away is the type to have lots of friends, she knows everyone locally and is very popular. I guess I was just a passing fancy for her. We bonded over our manipulative and unkind mothers. But her mother died a few years ago, mine moved away a few years ago, so I guess we don't have that in common anymore.


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kraftiekortie
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30 Jul 2022, 6:51 am

I understand how you feel. I haven’t any “everyday” friends myself, people with whom I can confide in. It can get gratingly lonely—trust me!

What gets me through the day is appreciation of Nature, and watching YouTube videos. And not relying on people.

I’m not one who has really fully “bonded” with anybody. So maybe I haven’t a full understanding of the impact bonding, then losing, has on people.



KitLily
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30 Jul 2022, 6:57 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I’m not one who has really fully “bonded” with anybody. So maybe I haven’t a full understanding of the impact bonding, then losing, has on people.


I think that's what's happened to me. I had a group of friends at school, then at university. Then they all just dispersed. I did try and keep in touch but people's lives moved on, I changed, they changed. And there was no one to replace them.

It just makes me feel that I'm a horrible, dislikeable person who is hated and despised. I didn't think I was, I thought I was quite nice, but maybe I am horrible.

People think 'oh she's got a husband and daughter, she can't be lonely.' But I'm more of a servant to them, supporting and facilitating their lives. I'd like some women friends similar to myself.


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kraftiekortie
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30 Jul 2022, 7:12 am

I doubt very much that you’re “horrible.” You’ve been a “good mum” for so long—you can’t be that bad :P

How many children do you have?

I know what you mean pertaining to the “slave” aspect. I am sort of a “slave,” in a sense, to my obligations as a husband to my wife. I can’t indulge in what I like to do…..namely going to trails and hiking them. Going to the cinema to watch foreign films (my wife doesn’t like movie theatres). My wife has no understanding of “wanting to be alone.”



klanka
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30 Jul 2022, 7:35 am

Is there something you say or do before getting the stare?



KitLily
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30 Jul 2022, 7:37 am

klanka wrote:
Is there something you say or do before getting the stare?


If I knew what that was, I wouldn't say or do it now would I :( As far as I know I'm just chatting normally, having a nice conversation.


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kraftiekortie
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30 Jul 2022, 7:54 am

I know what you mean……all this subtle crap…like stares, body language, really gets on my nerves!

You have some people who expect perfection socially—I certainly don’t expect it. I get along best with folks who don’t live their lives according to an Emily Post book.

My mother is acutely aware of every little “sign” of being weird. She doesn’t understand that most people really don’t give two craps about “social perfection” after they get out of school. She feels that everyone in restaurants is looking to see if someone doesn’t hold their fork and knife properly when cutting steak. When, really, people usually only into the person or persons they are having a meal with. This is not the school cafeteria.



KitLily
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30 Jul 2022, 9:26 am

Thanks KraftieKortie and Klanka.


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Mona Pereth
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08 Aug 2022, 11:41 am

KitLily wrote:
I've no idea how to create optimal conditions though. I'd like a group of 4-6 friends to just chat to, and support each other. But I've no idea how to find those. It doesn't seem much to ask in life, does it. Just a few friends.

Are there any hobbies or recreational activities you enjoy?

As long as you are still stuck living in a small cliquish village, I would suggest making a point of being friendly to the occasional newcomer to the village. I would also suggest seeking online friendships with people with whom you have specific interests in common. (Here on Wrong Planet, for example, I would suggest editing your signature line to mention a bunch of specific interests of yours.)

Hopefully when you are able to move to a better place, there will be better in-person options.


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klanka
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08 Aug 2022, 12:51 pm

I've had the stare a few times, it was after I got carried away talking about something usually and started raising my voice or went into too much detail. :lol:

So you're not alone there :D