Dumped by a friend. Again.

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Summer_Twilight
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08 Aug 2022, 2:26 pm

KitLily wrote:
As I suspected, 1 of my 2 friends has disappeared.

I noticed that over the last 8 months she has cancelled our last 2 'coffee dates'. She said it was because her son was ill but I don't know if that is true. Then she kept saying 'we must meet for coffee, I'll check my shift rota.' She works in a convenience store, I'm a freelance editor so I'm more flexible.

And that was a month ago. In our friendship, I'm always the one who texts 'hi how are you?' and asks about her life. She isn't the one who makes the first move. Because she is one of those people who has loads of friends, she knows everyone locally and is very popular. I'm probably just some weirdo she felt sorry for. We actually made friends because we both have very selfish and manipulative mothers. But her mother died a few years ago and mine moved away a few years ago. So maybe we don't have that in common anymore.

The thing is, she probably has a situation happening in her life right now. But so have I. Recently after 17 years of feeling lonely, frightened, excluded, I couldn't take anymore and smashed the kitchen windows, there was glass everywhere. I've been bottling up my feelings for all those years, being the perfect wife and mum, putting everyone else first. And for what? Just to be ignored, excluded, left to struggle on alone.

But at last my husband realised there is something very wrong. He contacted the doctor and made an appointment for me. I didn't go because what's the point? They'll just say 'you can't just give up, other people rely on you.' Whoopee doo. So I'm just valuable in life in relation to other people. Obviously I'm not valuable as an individual.

I hoped my friend would break the habit of waiting for me to contact her and take the initiative. But she hasn't.


Hi Kitlily, I read about your situation and I have to tell you that I cried and sometimes it's ok not to be ok because you're hurt that this person can't seem to make time for you. However, there is nothing wrong with you, rather, there's something wrong with the people who rejected you. :(

Still, it sounds like she probably does like you but probably has a busy schedule if she is popular and it a social butterfly while juggling with family as well. She may not even realize how she is making you feel.
Believe me, I had a flaky friend who did things with me as long as she was single but when she was in a relationship, everything and everyone else was way more important. She also made and broke several promises to me and it really bothered me.

I think it's okay to let her know how you are feeling but make sure you use "I" statements with her.

"I am really disappointed because I was looking forward to meeting you for coffee. However, I feel like you have canceled on me twice." You could also ask her "I really feel like I am the one who is always reaching out but you never seem to make any effort to reach out to me."



KitLily
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08 Aug 2022, 2:32 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
KitLily wrote:
I've no idea how to create optimal conditions though. I'd like a group of 4-6 friends to just chat to, and support each other. But I've no idea how to find those. It doesn't seem much to ask in life, does it. Just a few friends.

Are there any hobbies or recreational activities you enjoy?

As long as you are still stuck living in a small cliquish village, I would suggest making a point of being friendly to the occasional newcomer to the village. I would also suggest seeking online friendships with people with whom you have specific interests in common. (Here on Wrong Planet, for example, I would suggest editing your signature line to mention a bunch of specific interests of yours.)

Hopefully when you are able to move to a better place, there will be better in-person options.



Thanks for your kind advice :heart:

I enjoy reading and writing, and watching sport on TV. Generally quiet, solitary activities so I suppose that doesn't help :? My health is also pretty poor so I don't go out much. Going out with this friend suited me because going out for coffee is about all I can manage.

I'm generally friendly to everyone but I can't seem to make that final step to being actual friends :(

I've found a nice community on Twitter, a very friendly and normal bunch of people. By normal I mean not aggressive, trollish, extreme. Just friendly. And I do like WP because it has moderators, which makes a huge difference to communities.

I think my social life is online really now.

Yes I'm hoping we can move in 2 years time to a bigger community. We're making improvements to the house so we can sell it, which is fun.


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KitLily
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08 Aug 2022, 2:40 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
Hi Kitlily, I read about your situation and I have to tell you that I cried and sometimes it's ok not to be ok because you're hurt that this person can't seem to make time for you. However, there is nothing wrong with you, rather, there's something wrong with the people who rejected you. :(

Still, it sounds like she probably does like you but probably has a busy schedule if she is popular and it a social butterfly while juggling with family as well. She may not even realize how she is making you feel.
Believe me, I had a flaky friend who did things with me as long as she was single but when she was in a relationship, everything and everyone else was way more important. She also made and broke several promises to me and it really bothered me.

I think it's okay to let her know how you are feeling but make sure you use "I" statements with her.

"I am really disappointed because I was looking forward to meeting you for coffee. However, I feel like you have canceled on me twice." You could also ask her "I really feel like I am the one who is always reaching out but you never seem to make any effort to reach out to me."


Hi Summer Twilight. Sorry I made you cry, I just needed to rant about this situation. Hope you are okay. :flower:

I am so, so used to being rejected by people that I expect it now. I suppose I'm finally learning to keep away from rejecting people and find ones who welcome me.

For example, a certain fanfic website where I've tried to make friends but just been overlooked and ignored. I have finally learned to keep away from those people. I feel welcome on Twitter and here on WP so now I spend more time here.

Thanks for your advice about how to speak to her about how I'm feeling :heart:


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KitLily
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08 Aug 2022, 2:45 pm

klanka wrote:
I've had the stare a few times, it was after I got carried away talking about something usually and started raising my voice or went into too much detail. :lol:

So you're not alone there :D


Thanks, that is really helpful! Maybe that's the reason I get The Stare too.

But are we to censor ourselves because of this? We should be allowed to be ourselves shouldn't we? It's not fair is it.

I've been wondering if I just hang around the wrong people. Maybe I need to find more dramatic, creative, actorish types of people. They get carried away and raise their voices a lot.


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kraftiekortie
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08 Aug 2022, 2:55 pm

Maybe this might work for you. I hope it does! I hope you do find your niche.

It never worked for me, though. Those "actorish" sorts----never really cared for me for some reason. They can ham it up----but they don't like it when you ham it up.



klanka
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08 Aug 2022, 2:57 pm

You're welcome, yes that might work. Personally I tried to just stay calm when describing things that were interesting to me. But then i feel stifled. Its just what works for me at the moment.

I also noticed that I was doing that typical autistic thing of lecturing or whatever they call it. So I just learnt to say only one or two sentences about something unless someone asks for more detail. 99% of the time no-one asks for more detail :lol:



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08 Aug 2022, 3:05 pm

KitLily wrote:
klanka wrote:
I've had the stare a few times, it was after I got carried away talking about something usually and started raising my voice or went into too much detail. :lol:

So you're not alone there :D


Thanks, that is really helpful! Maybe that's the reason I get The Stare too.

But are we to censor ourselves because of this? We should be allowed to be ourselves shouldn't we? It's not fair is it.

I've been wondering if I just hang around the wrong people. Maybe I need to find more dramatic, creative, actorish types of people. They get carried away and raise their voices a lot.



This doesn't just apply to people on the spectrum but also to anyone who appears to stand out. For example, I am a woman and I love wearing my hair short. As a result, I get called "Ugly," "Lesbian," I look like a man, etc. Why it that? People are superficial.

As for the person who is not interested in you, it's not you, it's her. In fact, she probably isn't capable of being a good friend. She may look like she is as a popular woman but she is probably not a good friends to others.



KitLily
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09 Aug 2022, 5:53 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Maybe this might work for you. I hope it does! I hope you do find your niche.

It never worked for me, though. Those "actorish" sorts----never really cared for me for some reason. They can ham it up----but they don't like it when you ham it up.


That's what is so weird about humans, I find. They say they like extroverted, expressive people...yet they are always telling others to calm down, be quiet, stop overreacting.

Well, which is it? Do they like extroverted people or not? They can't have it both ways.


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KitLily
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09 Aug 2022, 6:02 am

klanka wrote:
You're welcome, yes that might work. Personally I tried to just stay calm when describing things that were interesting to me. But then i feel stifled. Its just what works for me at the moment.

I also noticed that I was doing that typical autistic thing of lecturing or whatever they call it. So I just learnt to say only one or two sentences about something unless someone asks for more detail. 99% of the time no-one asks for more detail :lol:


It just seems unfair that we can't express our passions and be authentic. People are always saying 'be authentic' but they don't like it when we are!

Oh yes, I also noticed I was doing the lecturing/ monologue type thing a while ago! Really hammering the point home til they got it 100%. So I learnt to briefly mention something, then let it go. Maybe mention it again another day. But mainly stick to light hearted topics/ asking the other person about their life/ news stories or whatever.

I look for signs of boredom in the other person now: eyes glazing over, looking out of the window, saying 'uh huh' etc. Then change the topic.


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KitLily
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09 Aug 2022, 6:06 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
KitLily wrote:
Thanks, that is really helpful! Maybe that's the reason I get The Stare too.

But are we to censor ourselves because of this? We should be allowed to be ourselves shouldn't we? It's not fair is it.

I've been wondering if I just hang around the wrong people. Maybe I need to find more dramatic, creative, actorish types of people. They get carried away and raise their voices a lot.



This doesn't just apply to people on the spectrum but also to anyone who appears to stand out. For example, I am a woman and I love wearing my hair short. As a result, I get called "Ugly," "Lesbian," I look like a man, etc. Why it that? People are superficial.

As for the person who is not interested in you, it's not you, it's her. In fact, she probably isn't capable of being a good friend. She may look like she is as a popular woman but she is probably not a good friends to others.


Oh yes you're right. How funny, I like my hair short too and get called Ugly, Lesbian, You look like a man etc. It looks so much better short though, it's such a bother when it's long.

Just because a woman's appearance doesn't fit the personal preferences of someone doesn't mean they have the right to insult us.

It's funny because I have a friend who is a lesbian and she looks far more 'feminine' than me i.e. she has long, glamorous hair, wears make up, jewellery and pretty dresses. Yet I get called 'lesbian'. We laugh about that a lot.

I really don't know what's happened with my friend. My main problem is, I'm exhausted. Exhausted of trying and trying and trying to make friends with people and rarely succeeding. I'm giving up on real life for now, I'm going to have online friends only :heart:


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klanka
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09 Aug 2022, 9:15 am

Yeah I hear 'talk about your passions!' advice quite a lot. Problem is , stifling myself makes for quite boring superficial conversations.



KitLily
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09 Aug 2022, 12:20 pm

klanka wrote:
Yeah I hear 'talk about your passions!' advice quite a lot. Problem is , stifling myself makes for quite boring superficial conversations.


It doesn't make sense. 'Talk about your passions' then people tell you to shut up and calm down. Especially in England. We are not allowed to show emotion in England :roll: :roll:


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KitLily
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09 Aug 2022, 12:22 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
I would also suggest seeking online friendships with people with whom you have specific interests in common. (Here on Wrong Planet, for example, I would suggest editing your signature line to mention a bunch of specific interests of yours.)


Now I've thought about this for a few days, I've realised I do need to make a list of my interests and find ways to get involved in those. My main interest is reading and writing, I'm not sure how I can get involved in those, however. :? :lol:


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klanka
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09 Aug 2022, 12:32 pm

Did you get 'the stare' after going off about some books?



KitLily
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09 Aug 2022, 1:01 pm

klanka wrote:
Did you get 'the stare' after going off about some books?


Honestly, I have no idea. Usually I'm sitting having coffee with a friend, we are having a normal conversation then boom! The Stare. I can't see any reason at all, we aren't talking about weird subjects, I'm not shouting or swearing etc. Maybe it's an expression I make without realising? God knows.


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klanka
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09 Aug 2022, 2:06 pm

usually i can pinpoint exactly what i said or the raised voice :D

if i were in your position i'd be like 'what? what is it? did i do something strange?' to the person