Dumped by a friend. Again.

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Summer_Twilight
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06 Nov 2022, 1:58 pm

Things have gotten so bad that they undermine you even when you try to relate to them.

A couple of years ago, I used to be closer to a man in my neighborhood. Then one day he told me that his condo has flooded and he was under lots of stress. I tried to empathize with him by telling him about a time where I dealt with flooding all one time when my aunt was out of town. It was "I don't care!" When I tried to walk away, he accused me only wanting to talk about myself. I was so hurt and angry with him for trying to undermine me like that so I re-evaluated the friendship and decided he wasn't worth perusing as I realized it was a one-sided friendship next to being toxic.

It was a good thing I did because not long after, I learned that this person is major drama so I have been investing my time in other people who live in my community.



KitLily
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07 Nov 2022, 6:16 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
Things have gotten so bad that they undermine you even when you try to relate to them.

A couple of years ago, I used to be closer to a man in my neighborhood. Then one day he told me that his condo has flooded and he was under lots of stress. I tried to empathize with him by telling him about a time where I dealt with flooding all one time when my aunt was out of town. It was "I don't care!" When I tried to walk away, he accused me only wanting to talk about myself. I was so hurt and angry with him for trying to undermine me like that so I re-evaluated the friendship and decided he wasn't worth perusing as I realized it was a one-sided friendship next to being toxic.

It was a good thing I did because not long after, I learned that this person is major drama so I have been investing my time in other people who live in my community.


That is also what I don't get: if someone has a problem, I try to empathise by telling them about a similar experience I had. This used to be acceptable in conversation, I remember everyone doing that.

Yet now days that is seen as attention seeking, or something. I'm not sure why. We're trying to empathise!

It definitely sounds like you're better off without that man but talking to other people instead. I had this neighbour who was lovely when he moved in, but when the Brexit vote happened, he became more and more angry. He kept ranting about 'foreigners' and 'immigrants' and just got worse and worse til I was scared of him. I was glad when he moved away!

People have definitely got more difficult to get on with since 2016 and Brexit, and in America, Trump becoming President. That year seemed to be the start of the decline in people's relationships. I don't think it's just autists having trouble with them.


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Summer_Twilight
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07 Nov 2022, 10:42 am

That is because people have become lovers of themselves only which is a narcissistic trait. Therefore, they have become self-absorbed.

I was friends with someone like this who is also on the spectrum. He is we so offended about being rejected that he never acknowledged anyone else.

He would basically call me up and dump on me. Whenever I tried to relate, he would dismiss me with “Yeah you already told me, anyway my mess is bigger that yours.

He also would make it seem like he didn’t have any friends who kept getting rejected. When in reality, he is pretty popular and always has something to do.



KitLily
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08 Nov 2022, 7:00 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
That is because people have become lovers of themselves only which is a narcissistic trait. Therefore, they have become self-absorbed.


I agree.

I think sadly, it's partly because of all the 'self care' advice. Yes, self care is very important. But not when it leads to people focusing entirely on themselves. e.g. if person A is crying, instead of person B comforting them, they now think 'how is this affecting ME? It's upsetting ME. How dare person A upset ME?' When in the past, person B would comfort person A.

Another reason I suspect is the sheer number of companies with the motto 'it's all about YOU.' There are a lot of those. They sell to people by allowing them to customise their products EXACTLY to their specifications. The people don't have to buy anything that isn't exactly what they want. This leads to very spoilt people.

I don't know...these are just my theories!


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kraftiekortie
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08 Nov 2022, 8:17 am

Indeed....there's been a decline in our culture. In general, people just want to seek to find something to be offended about.



Where_am_I
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08 Nov 2022, 8:31 am

KitLily wrote:
Summer_Twilight wrote:
That is because people have become lovers of themselves only which is a narcissistic trait. Therefore, they have become self-absorbed.


I agree.

I think sadly, it's partly because of all the 'self care' advice. Yes, self care is very important. But not when it leads to people focusing entirely on themselves. e.g. if person A is crying, instead of person B comforting them, they now think 'how is this affecting ME? It's upsetting ME. How dare person A upset ME?' When in the past, person B would comfort person A.

Another reason I suspect is the sheer number of companies with the motto 'it's all about YOU.' There are a lot of those. They sell to people by allowing them to customise their products EXACTLY to their specifications. The people don't have to buy anything that isn't exactly what they want. This leads to very spoilt people.

I don't know...these are just my theories!

I agree, and I hate that mentality. I've had the odd friend who was like that. I think people like that have always been that way.


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KitLily
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08 Nov 2022, 10:32 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Indeed....there's been a decline in our culture. In general, people just want to seek to find something to be offended about.


How dare you say that! I'm offended by you thinking I want to be offended.

^^That is a massive joke in case people don't get it :lol: :wink:


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KitLily
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08 Nov 2022, 10:36 am

Where_am_I wrote:
I agree, and I hate that mentality. I've had the odd friend who was like that. I think people like that have always been that way.


They have...but now days there's more support for them being that way i.e. the self care advice and the technology allowing all this customisation.

When I was little if I wanted a toy from a cereal company, I cut out a coupon from the cereal packet. Then waited for the family to eat up that box of cereal and buy the next and the next and the next so I could cut out the coupons. Then I posted the coupons off and waited 28 days for the toy to arrive. The whole process took at least 4 months.

Now days people can click on something they want and get it instantly/ the next day.

No wonder we aren't patient and don't know how to compromise or 'make do' anymore.


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kraftiekortie
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08 Nov 2022, 11:20 am

Kids certainly didn't carry cell phones when I was a child. We kids would go out during weekends at about 9-10 AM, and not return home until sundown in the summer, about 5 or 6 in the winter. Nobody called me to ask me where I am!

Nowadays, people who are "close" to you always want to know where you are at all times. I hate that! I like to know that I'm at a place where nobody could find me!



IsabellaLinton
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08 Nov 2022, 11:32 am

KitLily wrote:
Where_am_I wrote:
I agree, and I hate that mentality. I've had the odd friend who was like that. I think people like that have always been that way.


They have...but now days there's more support for them being that way i.e. the self care advice and the technology allowing all this customisation.

When I was little if I wanted a toy from a cereal company, I cut out a coupon from the cereal packet. Then waited for the family to eat up that box of cereal and buy the next and the next and the next so I could cut out the coupons. Then I posted the coupons off and waited 28 days for the toy to arrive. The whole process took at least 4 months.

Now days people can click on something they want and get it instantly/ the next day.

No wonder we aren't patient and don't know how to compromise or 'make do' anymore.


I was thinking that the other day too.
I remember handwriting a letter to our radio station to ask for an astrology sign button.
They were selling them for some sort of promotion.
I forgot to say which sign I was, so at the bottom of the letter I just put CANCER in capital letters. :twisted:
I had to put coins in the envelope because I didn't have the right notes.
It took a few months to arrive.

I also remember a contest where you had to save the top oval from tissue boxes.
(You know those perforated ovals that you pull off to open the box?)
I think I needed ten of them, but my family rarely bought tissues.
I had to ask friends' parents to keep them for me.
Then I had to take a bus to the stationer because we didn't have envelopes or stamps.
I took the bus by myself, around age 7.
I can't remember what the contest prize was, but it had something to do with Easter.
I didn't win. :(

I wasn't supervised as a child either, KK.
I used to climb around in my granddad's abandoned workshop when I was 3-4.
The windows were broken and it was full of old car parts and greasy tools.
I remember climbing all the way up to the roof and walking around.
This was out in a meadow away from home.

I walked to school by myself starting in Kindergarten, other than the first day.
That includes walking home for lunch, so it was two round trips per day.


As for dumped by friends, I'm sorry that keeps happening to you KitLily.
I'm going through something similar right now and I keep gaslighting myself.
It's so hard to understand other people.
I think I give up.



Summer_Twilight
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08 Nov 2022, 2:41 pm

KitLily wrote:
Summer_Twilight wrote:
That is because people have become lovers of themselves only which is a narcissistic trait. Therefore, they have become self-absorbed.


I agree.

I think sadly, it's partly because of all the 'self care' advice. Yes, self care is very important. But not when it leads to people focusing entirely on themselves. e.g. if person A is crying, instead of person B comforting them, they now think 'how is this affecting ME? It's upsetting ME. How dare person A upset ME?' When in the past, person B would comfort person A.

Another reason I suspect is the sheer number of companies with the motto 'it's all about YOU.' There are a lot of those. They sell to people by allowing them to customise their products EXACTLY to their specifications. The people don't have to buy anything that isn't exactly what they want. This leads to very spoilt people.

I don't know...these are just my theories!


I don't think the narcissistic traits come from that necessarily, rather, they stem from being very insecure but have a fragile ego. It also has to do with their upbringing along with the way we have celebrities in hollywood who act like that.



KitLily
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09 Nov 2022, 9:50 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Kids certainly didn't carry cell phones when I was a child. We kids would go out during weekends at about 9-10 AM, and not return home until sundown in the summer, about 5 or 6 in the winter. Nobody called me to ask me where I am!

Nowadays, people who are "close" to you always want to know where you are at all times. I hate that! I like to know that I'm at a place where nobody could find me!


You hit the nail on the head. I was somewhat the same but as me and my friends were girls, we stayed in our big gardens to be safer. But I was always up a tree, climbing around, covered in bruises. We used to do imaginary play, pretending to be our favourite characters etc.

My daughter didn't do much of that when she was little, although we did play at the park and she went to parties.


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KitLily
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09 Nov 2022, 9:53 am

IsabellaLinton wrote:
I was thinking that the other day too.
I remember handwriting a letter to our radio station to ask for an astrology sign button.
They were selling them for some sort of promotion.

I also remember a contest where you had to save the top oval from tissue boxes.
(You know those perforated ovals that you pull off to open the box?)
I think I needed ten of them, but my family rarely bought tissues.
I had to ask friends' parents to keep them for me.
Then I had to take a bus to the stationer because we didn't have envelopes or stamps.
I took the bus by myself, around age 7.
I can't remember what the contest prize was, but it had something to do with Easter.
I didn't win. :(

I wasn't supervised as a child either, KK.

I walked to school by myself starting in Kindergarten, other than the first day.
That includes walking home for lunch, so it was two round trips per day.


As for dumped by friends, I'm sorry that keeps happening to you KitLily.
I'm going through something similar right now and I keep gaslighting myself.
It's so hard to understand other people.
I think I give up.


Same here with your childhood experiences, Isabella. I walked to school and back alone from the age of 9 or so. Quite a long distance with no supervision.

I have given up on making friends. Something has gone very wrong with human social skills and we need to wait until they mend themselves. If they ever do.


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KitLily
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09 Nov 2022, 9:55 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
KitLily wrote:
I agree.

I think sadly, it's partly because of all the 'self care' advice. Yes, self care is very important. But not when it leads to people focusing entirely on themselves. e.g. if person A is crying, instead of person B comforting them, they now think 'how is this affecting ME? It's upsetting ME. How dare person A upset ME?' When in the past, person B would comfort person A.

Another reason I suspect is the sheer number of companies with the motto 'it's all about YOU.' There are a lot of those. They sell to people by allowing them to customise their products EXACTLY to their specifications. The people don't have to buy anything that isn't exactly what they want. This leads to very spoilt people.

I don't know...these are just my theories!


I don't think the narcissistic traits come from that necessarily, rather, they stem from being very insecure but have a fragile ego. It also has to do with their upbringing along with the way we have celebrities in hollywood who act like that.


No, sorry, I meant that those things emphasise and exacerbate narcissistic traits. If narcissists are told to self care, they will get worse. If narcissists can get ANYTHING they want instantly, they will get worse. So the traits were there all along, but the modern world has made them come out more and stronger.


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Erjoy29
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11 Nov 2022, 12:26 pm

I relate a hundo percent. This has been happening to me lately too. A couple friends I been with 10-15+ years. I’m like, okay, I don’t want to be friends either if I’m not valued anymore. If I’m rejected, I’m very quick to reject back.



Aspiegaming
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11 Nov 2022, 1:02 pm

I lose friends over stupid reasons.

I lost a friend because I wouldn't buy Borderlands 3 when it was Epic exclusive. I had good reasons to wait for the Steam version, but he called me toxic and left. I taught him how to play the series and he treats me like **** in return telling me how much I suck at the games. We got along so well when only played Serious Sam Fusion.

I lost another friend we noticed one of my Steam groups Extreme Violent Minds and he assumed it was a haven for psychos who to accelerate and exploit violence in the real world. Nobody asks questions anymore. They just assume and accuse. It was for people who like competitive deathmatch or going all out on hordes of enemies.


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