I've made a huge mistake and now I'm feeling horrible.

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SpaceMartian
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

Joined: 5 Jan 2022
Age: 24
Gender: Male
Posts: 89
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06 Aug 2022, 10:17 am

Well, the title says it all I guess. I'm so stupid... so stupid.
I'm not ready to tell anyone exactly what I've done but beforehand... no, it does not carry any other consequences than my own emotional pain, haven't killed anyone nor started smoking or anything of the sort. Not at all, thankfully, but I lost all little trust I had in myself.

Let's say I "betrayed" a bit my family's trust. You know the "don't look in there" and then anyways you look, that sort of thing. I do not have any "proof" of what I did, as I immediately destroyed it.

I knew it was wrong doing so, I knew it would have consequences if caught (didn't) and worse of all, I did knew I would feel bad afterwards. But I did anyways. WHY?? WHY?? I don't know if I've done it for the thrills, as a form of self-sabotaging... I don't know. Never ever in my life I had done something like this, you can be sure, I'll never do so again. In fact, I've taken good notes and I'll be much much more careful in the future (even if, I've always been).

I know, mistakes are part of live, all of them, big, little ones... but still I feel like an excuse of a human being. I know, many have had way bigger screw ups but still... I guess I'm not ready to forgive myself yet, even if I've taken notes about my wrongdoings, I take responsibility and want to improve for the future. I used to be fairly sure I was a decent person... not anymore. I don't know how long I'll be like this. I hate myself.

No, I don't want to tell anyone, for when I need emotional support, it was there, but not as I would have need it, that causes some distrust on my side, and something that would hurt them and it being my fault... I better not hurt anyone and make matters worse. Again, what I did, only I know. Haven't felt this bad since my depression, I'm scared.



FleaOfTheChill
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Joined: 31 Jul 2020
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06 Aug 2022, 5:53 pm

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I'm also not sure what else to say...my knee jerk reaction to people having problems is to offer up solutions, and it's not like you're asking for that here. I don't know if you want reassurance or if you simply want to be heard. I hope I'm not being out of line when I say this, but I think of people who matter to me and I doubt there's much that any of them could do to get me as upset with them as you seem to be with yourself. Often we are harshest on ourselves than others will be to us, especially people who care about us.

Then there's this...which is actually more important to me personally than the first part... in my mind, part of being sorry for a thing is fully understanding it and feeling some kind of regret/remorse for it so it will not happen again. Sometimes we need those life lessons to really drill a point home, you know? It sounds like you do got that part down. We can't undo what we did, but we can learn from it and not repeat. Sometimes, that's the best sorry there is. My two cents.

Again, sorry you are feeling this way and I'm sorry that it happened in the first place. And I hope you can find some calm and a sense of okay sooner than later.