Why Shouldn't I Just Kill Myself?

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Raleigh
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22 Sep 2022, 7:39 pm

^ best way is to go to ndis.gov.au
Its a bit of a complicated process.

I recieve NDIS funding.
Mine's broken up into social support, communication support, therapies (psycology, OT etc) and assistive equipment.
The social support might be good in your case.


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The Grand Inquisitor
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22 Sep 2022, 9:43 pm

Raleigh wrote:
^ best way is to go to ndis.gov.au
Its a bit of a complicated process.

I recieve NDIS funding.
Mine's broken up into social support, communication support, therapies (psycology, OT etc) and assistive equipment.
The social support might be good in your case.

Thanks for the info.

Do you really think the social support could help me with my dating issues. What's it like?



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22 Sep 2022, 9:43 pm

I'm really just over it. Clearly there's nothing I can do to feel better in the immediate future. I don't have the patience or resilience for a grand undertaking while I'm feeling like this. I really need some sort of quick fix to ameliorate my emotional turmoil, but it just seems like it's not going to happen.

I'm having thoughts of going out in the dead of night and taking a nap on some railway tracks. I wouldn't do it because I wouldn't want to traumatise a train driver that way, but you get where I'm at emotionally.

I don't want to be here anymore. I really do wish I would just pass in my sleep.

I'm not going to find someone who will accept me while I'm this depressed, but I also can't stop being this depressed until I find someone who accepts me in a romantic way. I just don't know what else to do to get rid of this pain other than think of ways to delete myself and go through with it.



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23 Sep 2022, 6:01 am

The process of receiving NDIS funding was quite a tedious process for me unfortunately. I believe that's the case for many people. I initially got my GP to fill the NDIS application form for me, but he didn't know me well enough and missed many important things in filling the form, and consequently I got rejected. I had to get the form filled by a doctor/therapist that got to know my problems/difficulties very well. My reapplication was approved. So, be patient with the application process. You first need formal diagnoses to be considered, which obviously you already do.

Autism Associations are autism specialists. They deal with lots of problems that autistic people have. The support in developing romantic relationship skills is a typical example. There are many high-functioning autistic people that need that type of support. So, you should certainly qualify for that kind of support. The support they provide is tailored to your individual needs if you have difficulties in multiple areas.



klanka
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23 Sep 2022, 6:53 am

Werent you going out more and having fun with women recently?



temp1234
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23 Sep 2022, 11:19 am

I think I didn't explain how you can explain your difficulties.

What I did was I contacted autism association of my state, mentioning I have diagnoses. They were happy to see me to discuss my difficulties and how they could help me etc. I explained to them my problems due to autism such as being an outcast everywhere, which made it impossible to have friends and to have a good career despite my education. They helped me through the process of applying for NDIS funding. I think you need some professional person (your doctor or whoever that knows your autism very well in a professional capacity) who truly understands your autism-related difficulties and can explain them to NDIS in writing (filling the form). It's a tedious process but it's worth it. Autism Associations can also provide you with a therapist with whom you can talk about your autism-related issues, as well as sessions for learning skills for making friends and finding a romantic partner. So, probably you can contact the autism association of your state to begin with.



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23 Sep 2022, 5:21 pm

You are 26, you are still very young. I’m 52 & never dated in real life. I had only one boyfriend off the internet, I had boyfriends online. Did you try online dating? Maybe you should go to college to learn more, get your mind off wanting a girlfriend, maybe you will meet someone there in school.


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23 Sep 2022, 6:29 pm

I'm pretty sure God gave me a new wife.



that1weirdgrrrl
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24 Sep 2022, 2:53 pm

Quote:
I really need some sort of quick fix...


Unfortunately there is no quick fix for anything in life, ever.

Everything takes a lot of time and effort, it just depends on what is worth it.....


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aLifeLikeWeeds
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24 Sep 2022, 7:37 pm

I believe I saw your last post and you were seeking anything to help with your emotions.

The reality is that emotions are a part of being human. But there's a chance that you may be doing what I did for oh so long, something that resulted in the emotions only INTENSIFYING.

In my strong desire to not feel "this" way, I was judging how I was feeling and deeming it not ok and not accepting them.

After trying for years to figure out exactly what I had to do to ensure these emotions didn't happen again...or that if they did, some way to make them stop...I finally found something that really changed things for me.

Acceptance.

It may sound corny or cliche, and I get that, but it isn't.

"This is what I'm feeling right now, and that is ok."

Or

"This is what I'm thinking right now, and that's ok."

For me, so much of my suffering was my inner child having a 100% valid response to something that reminded him of something painful he experienced as a child...with a desperate desire to be heard and validated...because I had never given him that in those moments of suffering.

For example, my intense feelings of insecurity for my inability to be successful socializing...or more specifically, those moments when I tried to speak up and someone talked over me and I didn't try again or acknowledge it in any way...the embarrassment, feeling small, and invisible feeling.

Because the pain was overwhelming when I was a child, I blamed myself for my inabilities and I rejected all of those overwhelming feelings...because I didn't know what to do with them.

But now I look back at myself as a child...I was a great kid...a good kid...kind...smart...but I struggled...omg...I really struggled...and that's actually really sad...I didn't deserve all of that...but the only thing I can do now, from here, is to acknowledge and accept him, my self, me, ANYTHING I experienced...my pain.

"The way I struggle with insecurities today, the insecure thoughts, and the emotions that are attached to them, I know what they are...and that there is a valid reason I am having them...with what I went through as a child."

"So as an act of loving and nurturing and accepting my inner child and myself, these insecurities, these thoughts, these feelings...I accept them...I am allowed to have and think and feel them."

In regards to your original topic...I UNDERSTAND you...and FEEL YOU.

I get the impression that you are judging yourself for having the struggles you've faced in finding a romantic partner. And this is ok.

Though I have been in a few relationships, I would still consider myself someone who's been rather unsuccessful in romance for the most part.

These upcoming words probably will not make a difference for you, I know how it is when you are in it...how any words of advice can are easily dismissed...but I want to tell you:

A romantic partner or even just your ability to say that you have finally managed to nab at least one, will not provide you with what you seek.

It sounds like what is most important to you is not a romantic partner, but the value you believe will be bestowed upon you for being able to find one.

The truth is, that the value you are seeking is not something that is bestowed by any type of achievement or anything for that matter.

It's an intrinsic value that has been there within you since the day you were born and will be there until the day that you die.

Everything I mentioned about emotional suffering also can be used here.

Your reality is that you have desired to have a girlfriend since you were twelve...but that, up to the point of posting your post, you have been unsuccessful.

This is ok because it is a part of your life experience...it isn't good, it isn't bad...it just IS.

Your reality is that you are very hard on yourself because of your lack of success in finding a girlfriend...maybe you feel unappealing, or that you are a loser.

This is ok because our insecure feelings and emotions aren't good or bad, they just are...and specifically, as I mentioned earlier, they are manifestations of the pain and fears our younger selves experienced...that need our nurturing...because of this, the only way past them is acceptance of our pain and our fears.

I wish for you to come to a place where you can say to yourself:

"From the age of 12 to the age of 26, I was not able to find a girlfriend...and you know what...that is ok. It's definitely sucked, and it's unfortunate, but it does not make me any less of a person because I know that within me, ALWAYS, and no matter WHAT, is my intrinsic value."

And that when those feelings pop up, you tell yourself this.

And that in those instances when you fail to do this and get down on yourself for a few hours, or few days, for few weeks, or few months, you eventually suddenly remember...your intrinsic value...and tell yourself:

"Woah, I totally forgot, and went right back to being really hard on myself for my struggles...and you know what, that's ok. This is a process. And I will fall back into old ways at times...But then I will remember...and in that moment that I do, I will accept that I did, and that it's ok...and begin again...because I deserve to love and value myself, struggles and all."

That's all I got.

Now that I'm done, I kind of feel like I went on and on...and I'm honestly a little nervous to press submit because I do not know what types of response my words will get...honestly, this is not an uncommon experience for me...to write a long comment and end up deleting it...but you know what...these feelings, these thoughts of insecurity and hesitation and self doubt...I know what they are...or more precisely, I know who they are...and because I know what he's been through...I will take his hand as a gesture to say to him, "I hear you, I feel you, and I accept you, fears and all," and together, in a moment of great meaning and seeing a future that looks a little bit brighter...we will hit the "submit" button...together.

Good luck to you.



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30 Sep 2022, 8:58 am

@aLifeLikeWeeds: I appreciate the thought you've put into your post.

Feel free to correct me if I have it wrong, but it seems like your overarching message is that we have subjective experiences as human beings, and those experiences make us feel certain ways, but there is no objective good and bad. Things just are what they are, and that's ok.

If everything is always ok no matter what hurtles life throws our way, how would we know, and what would it look like if things weren't ok? And if it's not possible for things to not be ok, what does things being ok effectively mean? To me, it seems like this line of thinking obfuscates the truth, and honestly, doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

My contemplation of suicide comes from a major issue I'm having leaving me devoid of the experiences and emotions that I really care about having, and enduring experiences and emotions that are painful enough that I'd rather cease to exist if I can't rid myself of them.

Having dealt with this for such a long time, and having invested so much energy to no avail trying to produce an outcome I'm content with, I don't trust that I have the ability to exert enough influence over my romantic situation through my actions to bring about the outcome I need for my own emotional wellbeing, and I don't trust life to suddenly give me a helping hand after all of the time that's elapsed, and all the emotional hardship I've been through.



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30 Sep 2022, 9:11 am

klanka wrote:
Werent you going out more and having fun with women recently?

That was an isolated incident. I wanted to try going out again, but I have no reliable friends to accompany me.

that1weirdgrrrl wrote:
Quote:
I really need some sort of quick fix...


Unfortunately there is no quick fix for anything in life, ever.

Everything takes a lot of time and effort, it just depends on what is worth it.....

But an extraordinary amount of time and effort has already been spent, to the point that I'm burned out by it all now.

I can't give up because I'm far too invested, but I also have minimal influence to exert over the situation. While there are things I can do to increase my chances of getting what I want, I feel like I'm largely at the mercy of the universe gifting it to me, and there's no precedent of that happening.



aLifeLikeWeeds
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01 Oct 2022, 12:53 am

Thanks for the appreciation. I appreciate you giving me a chance to clarify.

It's not that everything is neither good or bad, and only "is"...I'm saying that you can and should acknowledge and label the experience and pain you've been though as exactly what it's been for you...if that's bad, hell, torture, depressing, all 4, etc...whatever you decide.

But what is resulting in your unbearable emotional experience is your judgement of your circumstances and yourself...and though the past cannot be changed, the present and the future can be.

While we cannot change the past, in this present moment, we CAN change our perspective on it and ourselves...and in doing so, with cause and effect, our present and our future will be adjusted.

For an example, let me use myself...

For so long, I looked back at my past and past self in very negative ways because of my failings and insecurities and passive spinelessness and my pain and everything I missed out on.

I was judging myself for all of this...so heavily. As if I was constantly saying to my much younger self,

"You LOSER, you FAILURE, you COWARD, you WEAKLING...you failed at everything and I hate you for that...you should have been this, and done this, and said this, and chose that, you didn't try hard enough...and I will never forgive you."
(Based on your words, you seem to have a similar perspective of your past self)

By holding this perspective of my past self every minute of every day, every aspect of my life was negatively affected...and the course of my future was ABSOLUTELY doomed to be the same hell it's always been.

An uncomfortable situation would result in insecure feelings and thoughts and my negative perspective of my past self would kick in full force and I'd begin tearing myself down.

Now let me show you something else...a different way...the result of working on changing my perspective of my past.

An uncomfortable situation would result in insecure feelings and thoughts and instead of tearing myself down, I pause with the painful feelings and thoughts and tell myself,

"it's ok, I'm allowed to feel this way and think these thoughts because I know the hellish experiences I went through that caused me to become insecure...they were horrible...so in this moment, as an act of compassion towards my past self and hell he went through, I accept these feelings and thoughts as ok...though of course painful."

So telling yourself something is "ok" is about self compassion. It's ok this happened. Its ok I failed. It's ok that I feel insecure about failing.

This is my new perspective on my past and my past self:

"You tried, so goddamned hard...and I know that. But life was so hard. So painful. You were treading water struggling to stay afloat with weights tied to your feet...all of my pain and fear and insecurities and failures are the result of me facing terrible circumstances all on my own surrounded by people. You deserve a break...and compassion...so much compassion."

This perspective is positively changing my life in each moment and also the trajectory of my future...in the direction of a much better one then before.

This is my advice to you. To recognize that the negative perspective you hold in regards to your past and yourself is self condemnation and creates self imposed suffering...and has a huge negative impact on your present and your future.

Instead of hating on yourself for your past failures, if you could come to a place where you look upon yourself, past and present, with compassion, and accept what's already happened, your present will become much more bearable and your future trajectory will shift into a so much more positive direction.

My compassion for myself came after I meditated and went back to my childhood experiences and remembered the vivid reality of the suffering I experienced.

This might be useful to you. To think about the effort you put into finding a girlfriend...the responses you received...the feelings you felt. And any negative experiences. Were you bullied?

Remember, and vividly, your past...and you may come to realize that, because of your experiences, what you deserve, in abundance, and for the rest of your life, is intense compassion. And you can give it to yourself.

It sounds like the most important thing for you is to come to accept, and to forgive yourself, for not yet being able to find a girlfriend.

Right now you may not be able to say those words, "I have not..." without feeling the painful pangs of insecurity. And this is ok...it's to be expected. This pain is your inner child screaming to be loved. Love him by saying, "you are allowed to feel insecure."

But there's a moment in the future where you will be able to say those words as just an objective fact. "From 12 to 26..." Because it is a fact of your life :) it just IS. (Not that it wasn't painful)

And even better yet, there's also a moment where you will be able to say those words with love and compassion for yourself in your heart.

I know right now you are in a place where you cannot see yourself ever being able to find a girlfriend...and this is ok...you're basing this on a repeating pattern of experience...

But if you can work your way to the place where you can say those words with love and compassion in your heart, your life is going to change because you will have found so much love and confidence in yourself and your life experience...and the trajectory of your future, because of the massive changes...will shift and open up so many possibilities including a girlfriend.

Right now, you are in the mindset of I need to find a girlfriend to be happy and love myself. This is not a good strategy and is, in a sense, the source of your suffering.

Logically, the absolute BEST strategy for you, the best chance to find a girlfriend, is to focus on loving yourself right now, exactly as you are, to improve your outlook on life and your future and as a result, becoming more happy, healthy, and all around more attractive to women out there.

"My contemplation of suicide comes from a major issue I'm having leaving me devoid of the experiences and emotions that I really care about having."

This is a heartbreaking reality of someone who has been through a lot and deserves compassion. You hope you can see that...and know that you can give yourself that compassion.

"...and enduring experiences and emotions that are painful enough that I'd rather cease to exist if I can't rid myself of them."

If you can get to a place where you can view your experiences and emotions and failures and yourself with compassion...because you deserve compassion...these emotions will begin to drastically subside...and though your experiences may still be hard, your compassion and the resulting less intense emotions, will make it so these hard experiences will begin to not bother you so much.

"Having dealt with this for such a long time, and having invested so much energy to no avail trying to produce an outcome I'm content with, I don't trust that I have the ability to exert enough influence over my romantic situation through my actions to bring about the outcome I need for my own emotional wellbeing, and I don't trust life to suddenly give me a helping hand after all of the time that's elapsed, and all the emotional hardship I've been through."

I can relate to this very much.

When I was 17 or 18, I set out of a personal growth journey to figure out what was wrong with me and fix it. I had this ideal image in my mind of what I needed to become in order to feel worthy.

(And I never attempted suicide but it was not uncommon for me to feel so overwhelmed and powerless and tortured to the point of having thoughts of suicide.)

As time went on, and I very slowly improved, this ideal image I required myself to become rose to higher and higher standards...and so there was never ever getting closer to reaching it...and I never would reach it. This went on for...damn...15 or 16 years...until I had a revelation.

I had been trying to change so many things about myself for so long now and I suddenly realized that, at this point, I could only truly change by NOT CHANGING.

This is when I began to accept EVERYTHING about myself...the ideas I've mentioned to you.

But do you see? All the effort I put into getting better for 16 years was operating on an unconscious and faulty idea that only kept me trapped in this neverending cycle...and I HAD to recognize it: That I was not worthy exactly as I was...that I needed to achieve something to become worthy.

It was only once I recognized this that it was possible to know what I needed to do to break out of the cycle and experience true healing.

I honestly think something similar is the source of your struggles.

I hope that little bit about my experience can give you hope that change IS possible.

And I hope this helps in the ideas making more sense...and helps you in general. If there is still more that needs clarifying or you have any questions let me know again...I don't mind lending a helping hand :)



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01 Oct 2022, 2:45 am

aLifeLikeWeeds wrote:
But what is resulting in your unbearable emotional experience is your judgement of your circumstances and yourself...and though the past cannot be changed, the present and the future can be.

There are multiple factors that feed into my unbearable emotional experience. Part of it is being made to feel from the plurality of my experiences that I must just not worthy of having a partner I can be happy with. If that is not the case, it's difficult for me to fathom why it hasn't happened by now when my desire to date has been so intense for so long. Then I also have to deal with my wounds being picked at as I can't avoid trauma triggers (aka other people's successful love lives). I shouldn't have to be so sensitive to other people's dating success, but it provokes feelings of inadequacy because I'm clearly not good enough to attract a partner, it brings up the grief associated with the lost stages of my life where I never got to experience dating despite really wanting to, and it makes me sad and bitter about what I can't have.

Having gotten to 26 without ever having a girlfriend despite being interested in dating probably earlier than most of my peers makes it really difficult for me to believe that my love life is ever going to improve. I've made it to 26 without ever having a girlfriend, so why not 36, or 46? Am I just going to miss out on ever getting to date young women? Because that is a fate worse than death as far as I'm concerned.

I don't want to live to see myself become the 40 year-old virgin, so if that's the trajectory I'm stuck on then I'd rather not be alive.

aLifeLikeWeeds wrote:
"You LOSER, you FAILURE, you COWARD, you WEAKLING...you failed at everything and I hate you for that...you should have been this, and done this, and said this, and chose that, you didn't try hard enough...and I will never forgive you." (Based on your words, you seem to have a similar perspective of your past self)

This isn't how I feel. I don't blame myself for being in this situation. I think I'm largely a victim of circumstance.

I don't think I hate myself, I just really hate the position I'm trapped in. Yeah, it makes me feel bad about myself, but more because I perceive that no one wants to date me, largely due to factors outside of my control.
aLifeLikeWeeds wrote:
Now let me show you something else...a different way...the result of working on changing my perspective of my past.

An uncomfortable situation would result in insecure feelings and thoughts and instead of tearing myself down, I pause with the painful feelings and thoughts and tell myself,

"it's ok, I'm allowed to feel this way and think these thoughts because I know the hellish experiences I went through that caused me to become insecure...they were horrible...so in this moment, as an act of compassion towards my past self and hell he went through, I accept these feelings and thoughts as ok...though of course painful."

So telling yourself something is "ok" is about self compassion. It's ok this happened. Its ok I failed. It's ok that I feel insecure about failing.

If by ok, you mean that my feelings are valid, I would certainly agree with that, but I don't think what has happened to me is ok, because it's been immensely distressing and depressing. You lose me when you say something can simultaneously be painful and ok. If something is immensely painful to the point that it makes someone contemplate suicide, I believe that it is by definition not ok.

There is some adversity and hardship in life that we can reasonably be asked to make our peace with and label as ok, but my dating struggles do not fit there. It's going to take me no longer being plagued by these struggles and emotions (and presumably getting a girlfriend) for me to make my peace with my inability to date up until now. It's only when I'm no longer constantly being beaten that my wounds will have time to start healing.



Raleigh
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01 Oct 2022, 7:24 pm

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
That was an isolated incident. I wanted to try going out again, but I have no reliable friends to accompany me.

Not to harp on about it, but this is exactly what an NDIS support person would be useful for.
The right support worker can be very discreet, just like being out with an acquaintance, but they help with social interactions you may have trouble with, such as meeting people for the first time and keeping communication going.


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01 Oct 2022, 7:57 pm

Please do not do that over a romantic interest . I realize it’s been a focus of yours . But often the outcomes of many romantic relationships can be stressed at times , even with the best circumstances. Then there maybe a process
Of going through several . So . It c an be a rough road but sometimes the best ones are more spontaneous.
And not heavily invested in the romance part at first . Am sorry your feeling the way you do but , Sometimes
There are much better things to focus on . That you may find , that would have a higher percentage of others
That possibly be a common interest . Which often can be a nice groundwork to start from in any relationship . :idea:


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