Why Shouldn't I Just Kill Myself?

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kraftiekortie
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01 Oct 2022, 8:00 pm

When you realize that older women can be at least as fun and desirable as younger women, then I feel you will be more ahead in the game.

Why do you feel that someone who is, say, 35, isn’t “young”? There’s too much of this “people being old at 30” sort of thinking here.

Maybe you’re just a late-bloomer?

Perhaps, younger women find you too serious?

Perhaps, as you get older, your seriousness will be more desirable to women?



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01 Oct 2022, 8:04 pm

A lot of autistic people struggle with finding romantic partners. But what I'm more concerned with is how much of yourself you've put into this little section of life.

What is it about a romantic partner that you think is going to solve so much for you? If it's emotional, you could have the majority of that need satisfied in a strong friend group.

If it's sex, you can get that anywhere. There's no shame in having that need satisfied in sex workers, no matter what our culture tells you. The Netherlands literally pays for disabled peoples' prostitute visits.

Being in relationships has made my mental health worse, so I would give a warning that it's not the treasure you're seeing with rose-colored glasses.


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The Grand Inquisitor
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01 Oct 2022, 10:14 pm

Raleigh wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
That was an isolated incident. I wanted to try going out again, but I have no reliable friends to accompany me.

Not to harp on about it, but this is exactly what an NDIS support person would be useful for.
The right support worker can be very discreet, just like being out with an acquaintance, but they help with social interactions you may have trouble with, such as meeting people for the first time and keeping communication going.

Thanks for the info.

Jakki wrote:
Please do not do that over a romantic interest . I realize it’s been a focus of yours . But often the outcomes of many romantic relationships can be stressed at times , even with the best circumstances. Then there maybe a process
Of going through several . So . It c an be a rough road but sometimes the best ones are more spontaneous.
And not heavily invested in the romance part at first . Am sorry your feeling the way you do but , Sometimes
There are much better things to focus on . That you may find , that would have a higher percentage of others
That possibly be a common interest . Which often can be a nice groundwork to start from in any relationship . :idea:

I get what you're saying, but when you've never had a relationship despite wanting one for a long time, it's hard not to feel unwanted, and those feelings of inadequacy have the potential to be stoked every time I find myself exposed to a couple. It's not a good way to be.
kraftiekortie wrote:
When you realize that older women can be at least as fun and desirable as younger women, then I feel you will be more ahead in the game.

Why do you feel that someone who is, say, 35, isn’t “young”? There’s too much of this “people being old at 30” sort of thinking here.

Maybe you’re just a late-bloomer?

Perhaps, younger women find you too serious?

Perhaps, as you get older, your seriousness will be more desirable to women?

I'm not saying that older women can't be as fun or desirable as younger women. It's merely the fact that I am more physically attracted to young women.

That's not to say that I will only ever be willing to date young women all my life, just that the unfairness of not getting to have those experiences with young women saved to my memory bank when I want them so much and the rest of the world gets to have them really grates against my sensibilities.

Moreover, while I'd be happy to meet my life partner on my first try, what I'm focused on at the moment is having a "first relationship" dynamic, as opposed to focusing on settling down, and dating somebody who is young fits in better with that. I want young love.

Unfortunately the dynamic can't be the same as it would have been if I'd been able to start dating at a similar age as most of my peers, and I was navigating this new territory with somebody else who is also pretty new to dating, but at like 35, most women are going to be seasoned daters who have far surpassed me in terms of dating experience, and for whom it was a long time ago that they entered the world of dating.

I never wanted to be a late bloomer when it comes to dating. In fact it was probably my greatest fear growing up. I wanted to have those experiences as a teen and younger man, but the passage of time has slammed the door shut on my ability to do that. My inability to date up until this point has left me deeply distrustful of both my capacity to attract a romantic partner, and life's capacity to provide me with the opportunity to meet someone.

I don't think it's just the case that young women find me too serious. I'm a certain way here when I'm seeking support for my issues, but I'm more inclined to crack jokes and make puns in real life interactions. Some of the women at trivia seem to enjoy my jokes. I think it's more that it's really hard for me to meet like-minded people. I don't know how to do it.



The Grand Inquisitor
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02 Oct 2022, 2:00 am

Nekomonster wrote:
A lot of autistic people struggle with finding romantic partners. But what I'm more concerned with is how much of yourself you've put into this little section of life.

I think it's fair to say that romance and relationships are a big deal to most people. More than a little section of life, but I get the point you're making.

I've really wanted to start dating for a long time, and the older I get, the more it feels like it's never going to happen, and the more ill-at-ease I feel about being inexperienced. With the intensity of my desire to date and experience romance, being a 'have-not' in a world of 'haves' really grates against my sensibilities and makes me feel like I must be undesirable, and that I'll never find anyone. If I extrapolate from my lack of a romantic past and assume that the future will be more of the same, all I have waiting for me is more pain that is so pervasive that nothing good that happens to me in any other area of life can make it bearable or worthwhile.

Nekomonster wrote:
What is it about a romantic partner that you think is going to solve so much for you? If it's emotional, you could have the majority of that need satisfied in a strong friend group.

If it's sex, you can get that anywhere. There's no shame in having that need satisfied in sex workers, no matter what our culture tells you. The Netherlands literally pays for disabled peoples' prostitute visits.

A few things.

Having a relationship would allow me to have life experiences I care a great deal about that aren't accessible outside of a relationship. I would get to feel desired by someone I also desire, which is an extremely important experience for me. I would get to engage in all manners of physical intimacy with somebody who is attracted to me. I would no longer be so triggered by encountering other people's romantic success, because instead of it reminding me of my own perpetual lack of success and the trauma associated with that, I would be able to focus on how happy I am with the person I'm with. I would no longer need to feel so discontented with or embarrassed about my lack of romantic experience, because I'd have romantic experience. I'd be able to see the path to an enjoyable and enriching present and future, which currently can't exist because of the intense emotional agony inflicted upon me by my perpetual inability to date.

Nekomonster wrote:
Being in relationships has made my mental health worse, so I would give a warning that it's not the treasure you're seeing with rose-colored glasses.

I'm aware that not all relationships go well, but not being able to date, feeling undesirable, alienated from my peers by my own inexperience and unable to have the experiences I care more about than anything is a living hell. Getting into a relationship gives me the best chance of dispelling the emotional turmoil that I've experienced for more than a decade over not being able to get a relationship.

Even if it doesn't last or doesn't go well, if I get to lap up the bliss of having the essential experiences that I care so much about but am currently unable to have, and the world shows me that it's possible for women to see me as a viable romantic option, I'd be doing better than I am now.



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02 Oct 2022, 2:01 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
I get what you're saying, but when you've never had a relationship despite wanting one for a long time, it's hard not to feel unwanted, and those feelings of inadequacy have the potential to be stoked every time I find myself exposed to a couple. It's not a good way to be.


I know this feeling, and it's sh***y. I Also know it's a waste of time & energy and doesn't serve you nor your objectives At All.

Work on changing your perspective, IMO. You're not going to be able to avoid seeing couples - fact o' life. But you Can work on how you react to seeing couples.. what you think when you see them, and thus what you feel in reaction to those thoughts.

Instead of feeling inadequate, or jealous, or <insert whatever your current range of reactions to seeing a couple>, you could see a happy couple and think, 'Wow - they look good together. I'm happy they found each other. I hope I'm as happy as they look when I meet my match.' or any number of other positive perceptions of seeing couples in public & associating them with your future success with a partner. 100% guaranteed if you can force a change like this to flip in your perception, thinking, and feeling you'll be several steps closer to your life goals as you'll be emitting a good vibe instead of being a dark cloud. And that'll go a long way in terms of being attractive to others.

Bit by bit all of these little things add up and count for something in the big picture.


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02 Oct 2022, 2:47 am

goldfish21 wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
I get what you're saying, but when you've never had a relationship despite wanting one for a long time, it's hard not to feel unwanted, and those feelings of inadequacy have the potential to be stoked every time I find myself exposed to a couple. It's not a good way to be.


I know this feeling, and it's sh***y. I Also know it's a waste of time & energy and doesn't serve you nor your objectives At All.

Work on changing your perspective, IMO. You're not going to be able to avoid seeing couples - fact o' life. But you Can work on how you react to seeing couples.. what you think when you see them, and thus what you feel in reaction to those thoughts.

Instead of feeling inadequate, or jealous, or <insert whatever your current range of reactions to seeing a couple>, you could see a happy couple and think, 'Wow - they look good together. I'm happy they found each other. I hope I'm as happy as they look when I meet my match.' or any number of other positive perceptions of seeing couples in public & associating them with your future success with a partner. 100% guaranteed if you can force a change like this to flip in your perception, thinking, and feeling you'll be several steps closer to your life goals as you'll be emitting a good vibe instead of being a dark cloud. And that'll go a long way in terms of being attractive to others.

Bit by bit all of these little things add up and count for something in the big picture.

The problem is I'm not convinced I will have that same success. Given that I've never had a girlfriend at my age, it's pretty much impossible for me to have faith that I'll finally find someone. Why should things suddenly change now?

If I had a crystal ball and could magically know that my perfect partner awaits me in the near future, I think I'd probably no longer be plagued by my dating difficulties. It's the fear of missing out while the passage of time continues to suck years off my life, and the fear that I must just not be good enough or desirable enough for someone to want that keeps me trapped in despair.



goldfish21
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02 Oct 2022, 3:06 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
goldfish21 wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
I get what you're saying, but when you've never had a relationship despite wanting one for a long time, it's hard not to feel unwanted, and those feelings of inadequacy have the potential to be stoked every time I find myself exposed to a couple. It's not a good way to be.


I know this feeling, and it's sh***y. I Also know it's a waste of time & energy and doesn't serve you nor your objectives At All.

Work on changing your perspective, IMO. You're not going to be able to avoid seeing couples - fact o' life. But you Can work on how you react to seeing couples.. what you think when you see them, and thus what you feel in reaction to those thoughts.

Instead of feeling inadequate, or jealous, or <insert whatever your current range of reactions to seeing a couple>, you could see a happy couple and think, 'Wow - they look good together. I'm happy they found each other. I hope I'm as happy as they look when I meet my match.' or any number of other positive perceptions of seeing couples in public & associating them with your future success with a partner. 100% guaranteed if you can force a change like this to flip in your perception, thinking, and feeling you'll be several steps closer to your life goals as you'll be emitting a good vibe instead of being a dark cloud. And that'll go a long way in terms of being attractive to others.

Bit by bit all of these little things add up and count for something in the big picture.

The problem is I'm not convinced I will have that same success. Given that I've never had a girlfriend at my age, it's pretty much impossible for me to have faith that I'll finally find someone. Why should things suddenly change now?

If I had a crystal ball and could magically know that my perfect partner awaits me in the near future, I think I'd probably no longer be plagued by my dating difficulties. It's the fear of missing out while the passage of time continues to suck years off my life, and the fear that I must just not be good enough or desirable enough for someone to want that keeps me trapped in despair.


It's a self perpetuating prophecy. You're convinced it won't happen, think and believe it won't happen.. so guess what result that thinking has gotten you so far? Yep, you already know.

It's like Henry Ford said: 'Whether you think you can, or you can't, you're right.'

It's not about a fleeting thought that Maybe someday it Might be possible, even if improbable blah blah blah, it's about completely changing your mindset to Truly Believing that it Will Happen eventually, when it's meant to.

Life is a whole lot less stressful and whole lot more enjoyable when you flip your perspective on things.. when you stop dwelling on the negative thoughts and beliefs and start dreaming of the possibilities.

Sound like 'woo woo,' mysticism type new age BS to you? Maybe. But guess what.. these thoughts manifesting into reality truths have been discovered and rediscovered by many great thinkers and doers over many generations with countless self help/improvement/mindset/goal achieving & finance books written about them.. for a reason. s**t's the real deal.


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02 Oct 2022, 2:46 pm

Uhmm… thinking on this it seemed to occur to me to remind you , We are all Aspies here I believe , and these issues
Are very very common amongst Aspies and Romantic interfaces ……. And being a common issue might not be advantageous to make yourself extinct. You may only serve to take one more player off the table , concerning Aspie
Interactions , Romantic or otherwise . And obviously you would reduce your chances , however remote by 100%.
Aspie women/ men are also sensitive and if you start a interaction . Based on poor mental health , That might Very
Possibly undermine potential hopeful situations. :?:

Old Adage about : “Loving yourself before you can Love others “ kinda hokey. But Self termination issues don’t always give good groundwork for future relationships. :|


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02 Oct 2022, 5:23 pm

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
klanka wrote:
Werent you going out more and having fun with women recently?

That was an isolated incident. I wanted to try going out again, but I have no reliable friends to accompany me.


are there any ways you can make more friends?



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02 Oct 2022, 7:13 pm

But , I replied too hastily, We are here to hear your feeling on this topic [….am sorry …]if I strayed away from that concept , of being more supportive ! :oops:


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11 Oct 2022, 6:21 pm

goldfish21 wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
goldfish21 wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
I get what you're saying, but when you've never had a relationship despite wanting one for a long time, it's hard not to feel unwanted, and those feelings of inadequacy have the potential to be stoked every time I find myself exposed to a couple. It's not a good way to be.


I know this feeling, and it's sh***y. I Also know it's a waste of time & energy and doesn't serve you nor your objectives At All.

Work on changing your perspective, IMO. You're not going to be able to avoid seeing couples - fact o' life. But you Can work on how you react to seeing couples.. what you think when you see them, and thus what you feel in reaction to those thoughts.

Instead of feeling inadequate, or jealous, or <insert whatever your current range of reactions to seeing a couple>, you could see a happy couple and think, 'Wow - they look good together. I'm happy they found each other. I hope I'm as happy as they look when I meet my match.' or any number of other positive perceptions of seeing couples in public & associating them with your future success with a partner. 100% guaranteed if you can force a change like this to flip in your perception, thinking, and feeling you'll be several steps closer to your life goals as you'll be emitting a good vibe instead of being a dark cloud. And that'll go a long way in terms of being attractive to others.

Bit by bit all of these little things add up and count for something in the big picture.

The problem is I'm not convinced I will have that same success. Given that I've never had a girlfriend at my age, it's pretty much impossible for me to have faith that I'll finally find someone. Why should things suddenly change now?

If I had a crystal ball and could magically know that my perfect partner awaits me in the near future, I think I'd probably no longer be plagued by my dating difficulties. It's the fear of missing out while the passage of time continues to suck years off my life, and the fear that I must just not be good enough or desirable enough for someone to want that keeps me trapped in despair.


It's a self perpetuating prophecy. You're convinced it won't happen, think and believe it won't happen.. so guess what result that thinking has gotten you so far? Yep, you already know.

It's like Henry Ford said: 'Whether you think you can, or you can't, you're right.'

It's not about a fleeting thought that Maybe someday it Might be possible, even if improbable blah blah blah, it's about completely changing your mindset to Truly Believing that it Will Happen eventually, when it's meant to.

Life is a whole lot less stressful and whole lot more enjoyable when you flip your perspective on things.. when you stop dwelling on the negative thoughts and beliefs and start dreaming of the possibilities.

Sound like 'woo woo,' mysticism type new age BS to you? Maybe. But guess what.. these thoughts manifesting into reality truths have been discovered and rediscovered by many great thinkers and doers over many generations with countless self help/improvement/mindset/goal achieving & finance books written about them.. for a reason. s**t's the real deal.

I think there is some truth in the idea that thoughts manifest into reality, but I think it has more to do with the mindset one adopts influencing their behaviour rather than our thoughts influencing cosmic forces or anything like that.

I would very much like to believe that I can find a romantic partner, but I've accrued a lot of beliefs and feelings from experiences I've had (and haven't had), and I can't flip a switch in my brain to force myself to believe that there are women out there who would accept me romantically. I wish it was that simple.



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12 Oct 2022, 12:29 am

Jakki wrote:
Uhmm… thinking on this it seemed to occur to me to remind you , We are all Aspies here I believe , and these issues
Are very very common amongst Aspies and Romantic interfaces ……. And being a common issue might not be advantageous to make yourself extinct. You may only serve to take one more player off the table concerning Aspie
Interactions , Romantic or otherwise . And obviously you would reduce your chances , however remote by 100%.

It could potentially be advantageous to me in that I would no longer have to reckon with these feelings of sadness and intense depression anymore over not being able to have certain experiences or be accepted in a very important way.

And it would reduce my chances to zero, but it would also reduce my chances to zero of seeing myself grow into a middle-aged man who's never had a girlfriend. As far as I'm concerned, agonisingly having to watch myself age out of my youth while never having had a girlfriend, romantic experiences and acceptance is a fate worse than death.

Jakki wrote:
Aspie women/ men are also sensitive and if you start a interaction . Based on poor mental health , That might Very
Possibly undermine potential hopeful situations. :?:

Old Adage about : “Loving yourself before you can Love others “ kinda hokey. But Self termination issues don’t always give good groundwork for future relationships. :|

Well the reality is I'm never going to be content not having had a girlfriend and not being accepted in that way, and until I get to have that, I'm going to be depressed.

It's not about not loving myself. I think I'm a worthwhile person. It's about not loving the torment that life is subjecting me to with intense drives for romantic love and acceptance that I am unable to fulfil.



goldfish21
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12 Oct 2022, 12:57 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
goldfish21 wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
goldfish21 wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
I get what you're saying, but when you've never had a relationship despite wanting one for a long time, it's hard not to feel unwanted, and those feelings of inadequacy have the potential to be stoked every time I find myself exposed to a couple. It's not a good way to be.


I know this feeling, and it's sh***y. I Also know it's a waste of time & energy and doesn't serve you nor your objectives At All.

Work on changing your perspective, IMO. You're not going to be able to avoid seeing couples - fact o' life. But you Can work on how you react to seeing couples.. what you think when you see them, and thus what you feel in reaction to those thoughts.

Instead of feeling inadequate, or jealous, or <insert whatever your current range of reactions to seeing a couple>, you could see a happy couple and think, 'Wow - they look good together. I'm happy they found each other. I hope I'm as happy as they look when I meet my match.' or any number of other positive perceptions of seeing couples in public & associating them with your future success with a partner. 100% guaranteed if you can force a change like this to flip in your perception, thinking, and feeling you'll be several steps closer to your life goals as you'll be emitting a good vibe instead of being a dark cloud. And that'll go a long way in terms of being attractive to others.

Bit by bit all of these little things add up and count for something in the big picture.

The problem is I'm not convinced I will have that same success. Given that I've never had a girlfriend at my age, it's pretty much impossible for me to have faith that I'll finally find someone. Why should things suddenly change now?

If I had a crystal ball and could magically know that my perfect partner awaits me in the near future, I think I'd probably no longer be plagued by my dating difficulties. It's the fear of missing out while the passage of time continues to suck years off my life, and the fear that I must just not be good enough or desirable enough for someone to want that keeps me trapped in despair.


It's a self perpetuating prophecy. You're convinced it won't happen, think and believe it won't happen.. so guess what result that thinking has gotten you so far? Yep, you already know.

It's like Henry Ford said: 'Whether you think you can, or you can't, you're right.'

It's not about a fleeting thought that Maybe someday it Might be possible, even if improbable blah blah blah, it's about completely changing your mindset to Truly Believing that it Will Happen eventually, when it's meant to.

Life is a whole lot less stressful and whole lot more enjoyable when you flip your perspective on things.. when you stop dwelling on the negative thoughts and beliefs and start dreaming of the possibilities.

Sound like 'woo woo,' mysticism type new age BS to you? Maybe. But guess what.. these thoughts manifesting into reality truths have been discovered and rediscovered by many great thinkers and doers over many generations with countless self help/improvement/mindset/goal achieving & finance books written about them.. for a reason. s**t's the real deal.

I think there is some truth in the idea that thoughts manifest into reality, but I think it has more to do with the mindset one adopts influencing their behaviour rather than our thoughts influencing cosmic forces or anything like that.

I would very much like to believe that I can find a romantic partner, but I've accrued a lot of beliefs and feelings from experiences I've had (and haven't had), and I can't flip a switch in my brain to force myself to believe that there are women out there who would accept me romantically. I wish it was that simple.


I'd say it's both. (mindset influencing behaviour + cosmic forces)

Just because it isn't that simple doesn't mean it cannot or will not happen.

Take a look at my posting history for the last ~decade. I firmly believed that I should not/could not be in a relationship. But now, as strange a dynamic as it is, I'm (maybe?) on the cusp of being in one And wanting it to happen. See l&d forum - I'm in :heart: with a homeless drug addict trans guy and it's all just as strange as you might assume lol but my point is that I've believed, for as long as I can remember, that I shouldn't be in a relationship ever.. and now, I want it to work out that I am. So, even these sorts of firmly held beliefs can change in time.


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13 Oct 2022, 10:05 am

goldfish21 wrote:
I'd say it's both. (mindset influencing behaviour + cosmic forces)

Just because it isn't that simple doesn't mean it cannot or will not happen.

Take a look at my posting history for the last ~decade. I firmly believed that I should not/could not be in a relationship. But now, as strange a dynamic as it is, I'm (maybe?) on the cusp of being in one And wanting it to happen. See l&d forum - I'm in :heart: with a homeless drug addict trans guy and it's all just as strange as you might assume lol but my point is that I've believed, for as long as I can remember, that I shouldn't be in a relationship ever.. and now, I want it to work out that I am. So, even these sorts of firmly held beliefs can change in time.

Sure, it could happen, but why should I believe it will when it hasn't for so long and there's no sign of that changing?

In your case, it doesn't seem like your resignation to remain unpartnered was putting you through the same distress as my feeling that nobody wants me is putting me through. It seems like you would have been able to make peace with never being in a committed relationship, where my situation is causing me a lot of grief. Where you might have been ok to wait and see what happens over time, I'm not in a position where I can cope with that.



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13 Oct 2022, 10:49 am

So train your mind to focus on something different that you Think you Can achieve. Career, education, art, engineering - whatever. Do a thing with your mental energy instead of destroying yourself & you'll be happier for it. (And then who knows, perhaps being happier ends up resolving your lack of attracting a partner issue.)

As for the morbid thread title, have you ever watched the docu/interview of the guy who survived jumping off the golden gate bridge?


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13 Oct 2022, 11:31 am

goldfish21 wrote:
So train your mind to focus on something different that you Think you Can achieve. Career, education, art, engineering - whatever. Do a thing with your mental energy instead of destroying yourself & you'll be happier for it. (And then who knows, perhaps being happier ends up resolving your lack of attracting a partner issue.)

As for the morbid thread title, have you ever watched the docu/interview of the guy who survived jumping off the golden gate bridge?

There are other things I'm trying to focus on. I'm learning to drive, and I have my first driving lesson tomorrow. I've also recently started going to see someone to help me improve my posture. I decided to take a break from edibles this month to try and be more productive.

That doesn't rid me of the depression from my lack of romantic situation though. Even if thoughts about it didn't pop into my head organically, it's impossible to avoid triggers and being exposed to other people's romantic success. If you think that I can just forget about dating and not be affected by being exposed to other people's abundant love lives, my response would be with all due respect, you just can't understand what it's like to be in my shoes.

I haven't seen the interview you're referring to, but I don't plan on making any rash decisions either. If I did decide to go through with it, I'd do my darnedest to make sure I was successful. It would be well-planned, and while there's no guarantee it would work, well life has me caught between a rock and a hard place. I'm not going to allow myself to continue existing as someone who has never had a romantic partner, so if I can't exert control over that, then the only way to no longer be in this situation is to do something morbid.

It's not how I want things to go at all. Like I've said over and over again, all I want is to be accepted in a romantic way. Never having had a girlfriend and not getting to be accepted in that way has a catastrophic effect on my sense of self and the way I perceive my identity, and it ensures that I will remain severely discontented and feeling hopeless and extremely depressed.