What unreasonable expectations did others have about you?

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shortfatbalduglyman
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11 Oct 2022, 8:56 am

And what was their response when you did not meet their unreasonable expectations?



Caz72
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11 Oct 2022, 2:53 pm

well some people seem to expect me to be all nerdy and unattractive just because im autistic ..
i dont know what they mean by that as its offensive to the whole autism community like we are all supposed to be unattractive or something


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GadgetGuru
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11 Oct 2022, 3:00 pm

shortfatbalduglyman wrote:
And what was their response when you did not meet their unreasonable expectations?

Standardized testing in public school, at a young age, combined with my perceived disinterest in "achieving" in any conventional sense led to frequent chastisement.

I often heard from school officials and others who had read my test scores that "You can do anything you want", with the unspoken expectation that any course of action on my part other than the standard "become a doctor/lawyer/rich dude of some sort" would be met with grave disappointment and further chastisement.

Darron


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Crystal1414
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11 Oct 2022, 3:18 pm

They want me to be able to do things faster than I can and to learn things faster. They get disappointed in me.



AprilR
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11 Oct 2022, 3:42 pm

Crystal1414 wrote:
They want me to be able to do things faster than I can and to learn things faster. They get disappointed in me.


This. Also speaking too fast, too many info at once. Also socially they expect me to get married and have a relationship, which is very alien to me.



krakin
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11 Oct 2022, 5:03 pm

keeping up with proper hygiene
I always forget to brush my teeth, hair, take showers, do my laundry, clip my fingernails and toenails, and shave often
because of this, they just say I'm lazy but what they don't understand is that I literally forget to do something if I am hyperfocused on another task or I'm unmotivated and don't have enough energy to do it



IsabellaLinton
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11 Oct 2022, 5:09 pm

That I will listen to everyone's shite without having feelings or becoming overwhelmed, because I'm a lump of clay who doesn't worry or cry since I don't speak or express my empathy easily and apparently I will never need support myself and I will never break.

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Valforwing
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17 Oct 2022, 6:41 am

My fiancé thought that me getting pregnant would satisfy his stupid pregnancy fetish but after I had the kid he just wanted to get me pregnant again and when I got my iud he wanted to start fooling around. I’m starting to wonder if it’s hereditary because his dad is a nutcase who pretty much every time he got married he would chase off the wife with his drug use and violence as after they had kids. Ronny used to be so sweet and kind. I’m really hoping this is just sone kind of depression he’s going through but I wish he would stop putting video games above everything else.



League_Girl
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17 Oct 2022, 2:11 pm

At my old work, I was expected to just remember things when they were not in my routine and just know where stuff is when they would move stuff around every month. I was also expected to process things quicker and not ask so many questions.

And I have dealt with other aspies that just expected me to generalize better and to just stop taking things literal as if I was doing this stuff on purpose.


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EEngineer75
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17 Oct 2022, 9:45 pm

I think I'm close to reacting to the idea of "unreasonable expectations" (in a close relationship, at least) in the same way that, for decades, I reacted to "Common Sense."

This is my favorite quote on the idea of expectations in close relationships:

"LW: ...He claims he does not drink often, maybe 5 drinks a month, but I want it to be zero. We love each other, but I don't know how to get past this.

A: Carolyn Hax

Break up.

You don't get to tell people what to do or how to live. You can ask for things, but they can say no. And you asked, he agreed to it, he changed his mind. That's the end of the line. You can either have your rules or this guy, but not both.

Reminder: Any time you "argue about [anything] constantly," then whatever problem you're arguing about is now secondary to the main problem of refusing to accept reality. That is always, always, the relationship equivalent of an own goal.
— Oct 18, 2019 12:11 EDT"
--https://live.washingtonpost.com/carolyn-hax-live20191018.html



Once you understand yourself, your limitations, your strengths, and your preferred modes of operating, your choices are yours to own, as are the external, real world consequences of them--albeit, it is a bit hard to say someone "should" take more responsibility than their knowledge, understanding, & ability to navigate the external world would typically allow. (But, I do like Dr. Russell Barkley's contention that those diagnosed with ADHD need more accountability--not less--, but that they need that accountability--or perhaps feedback--closer to the point of performance, especially in time. I.e. effective "accommodations" would be those that help bridge the communication difficulties and promote better feedback for accountability & truer choice.


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EEngineer75
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17 Oct 2022, 10:14 pm

shortfatbalduglyman wrote:
What unreasonable expectations did others have about you?

A1: With age followed by a diagnosis of ADHD (and suspected other traits for being on the spectrum), I'd have to say that my own, continued tendency to fall into traps of expecting more productivity out of myself is the most unreasonable expectation that I tolerate from anyone these days. (sigh)

shortfatbalduglyman wrote:
And what was their response when you did not meet their unreasonable expectations?

A2: I've progressed a lot in the last few years, in that I've begun accepting that I will fall short, forget, misplace, confuse, get unreasonably frustrated, etc., etc., much more often than usual, neurotypical "expectations." :heart:

For awhile, I've survived with an attitude of resigned toleration: I'll give some effort to reigning in plans & expectations, but I try to avoid exhausting myself with constant effort to do so. Likewise, I'll let me planning & hoping go along at a good clip on most good days or off/personal time, but I'll try to save my willpower for those urgent or critical points when life really needs something important to get done.


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SportsGamer35728
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21 Oct 2022, 7:43 am

My family thought I'd be the next Bill Gates or Elon Musk because of my diagnosis and I'd be dating an attractive woman because I'm supposedly so good-looking :lol:



Earthbound_Alien
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23 Oct 2022, 6:40 am

housewifery

I write essays lol



Dial1194
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25 Oct 2022, 8:52 pm

Any time I was forced into some afterschool activity and turned out to be good at it, there was always the "encouragement" of "You're so good at it, you could study it and do it as a job!"

No. I do not want to do that. I was not doing that thing because I wanted to, it was because I was forced into doing it. I did not start suddenly liking it because I was good at it. I did not suddenly start wanting to do it because sometimes there were other kids doing it. It was a waste of my time and effort. And, inevitably, I dropped it instantly and forever once I was given the actual chance to.

This scenario repeated over and over and over. The only effect was that I now hated a lot of things I would have otherwise felt neutral about and maybe even wanted to take a look at later in life or pick up as a skill, at my own pace.



gardenerofcolours
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26 Oct 2022, 2:26 pm

I would say that I definitely feel like people have this expectation that I am always outgoing, always social, always smiling, always willing to bend over backwards for everyone. It. Is. Exhausting. God forbid I should be human for once, or not want to always be this social butterfly. I'm so over other people's expectations.
Sorry, rant over.


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goldfish21
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27 Oct 2022, 11:07 am

Probably generally the same as my own unreasonable expectations of myself.

Something along the lines of 'You're smart, why can't you keep your s**t together, behave appropriately, and have a proper normal career ??'

Result: Disappointment, judgement, frustration etc from them and me.


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