In hindsight my struggles are so evident

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I feel very trapped and very blank. I am venting but I do have a question directly below, it'd help me to understand from any people who experienced the same so I feel less alone. Thank you.

Did anyone else who was late diagnosed realise how much they really weren't "managing" or "coping" any better earlier in life after seeking full independence from their parents, guardians or education setting?


I wanted to try living independently recently and not even a year has passed by since leaving my parents' home and I have barely any savings left which I spent many years saving, I'm now unemployed again and I have to move back home because I forgot to increase my savings commitment in my last job and accidentally spent the money thinking I was saving it. (I also have adhd).

It made me realise that any time I didn't live at home when I was in university and briefly after, although I know I didn't cope well, now I fully understand the extent of how I was ignoring it since no one was helping me. One person did notice something and tried to talk to me many years ago but the way they spoke made me defensive and so I rejected the outreach. It was because it was in the corridors instead of a formal outreach in a private setting so I felt exposed I think.

When I was in university I struggled to go to class and during my study year abroad I struggled too. I struggled to talk, eat and drink for several days if I went out too many times as the social life was new to me and so I followed everyone's plans. I changed the frequency in my 2nd semester so I didn't get stuck like that and luckily it only happened one more time there.

Sometimes my friends would have to leave food outside my door after the 2nd or 3rd day of not leaving my room, I struggled financially but I had a loan. Then I cleared it after moving home. When I was working abroad really briefly, everything was so cheap that I basically provided all the accommodation I could subconsciously in my life like taking a taxi when I needed, getting any type of food delivered and lots of local markets that were within walking distance so if I ever forgot anything I could get it very quickly and easily but I still struggled.

Since my university times and brief working abroad, I was at home for many years and although I struggled when I was unemployed, I at least did not have to worry about homelessness and I had lots of freezer space for food that I bought. I never had any long-term jobs, and if I didn't know what to do in a repetitive job I would leave as I couldn't see any other option especially if no one had explicit conversations with me.

But being at home is not psychologically safe for me. But I wonder if I have to just accept that psychological unsafety of being at home because the only other option is being homeless and having to live in shelters or on the street.

My parent is not well and has a higher risk of dying suddenly and then I will be homeless anyway.

Being late diagnosed and having no help my whole life means I've been missed in the system and now I'm only making records from the past 5 years and they aren't useful records.

Alongside my unresolved mental health issues from undiagnosed coping of autism and adhd, I have cptsd from unrelenting traumatic incidents from childhood to adulthood, including multiple high-stress experiences that make it worse.

I now struggle to keep a job because I struggle mentally, I struggle to mask, I get fatigued even easier than before and then I quit.

I've finally managed to get a referral for mental health assistance but I fear they will just stereotype me, make assumptions and try to force me to do CBT and insist that it's my mindset.

I have applied CBT and ACT methods all my life to merely survive until where I am now, and all it's doing is giving me a very long journey to the death of my mind. I haven't mentioned even the surface of my life as although it is a major component of this, I'm trying to learn how not to overshare.

I need healing, I need continual healing from how living in this society and world affects me, and then I need support for effective coping mechanisms and ways to work with my wonderful mind to do things in life I want to without sacrificing my mental health. I also need support to have gainful employment that doesn't hold me to NT standards and won't see me in poverty wages just because I can't sustain myself as NTs can. I deserve to live a fulfilled life.

Thank you.