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babybird
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03 Feb 2024, 4:03 pm

Yeah I used to live in complete avoidance of people a few years ago. I'm not too bad anymore these days.


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Jakki
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03 Feb 2024, 7:15 pm

That would be like a realife Nightmare come to real life. ... 8O :skull:


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TwilightPrincess
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04 Feb 2024, 12:23 pm

Something I’ve not talked about that much because it’s embarrassing:

I wonder if I have low self-esteem, body dysmorphic disorder or if I’m as ugly as I feel. Whenever I posted a picture in the past, I thought it was just a good picture, not a true representation of how I really look. I’m even more unattractive now. When it comes to other people, I think everyone is good-looking (unless they’re awful human beings), especially when I get to know them, although it’s not something I care about that much. I don’t make the same allowances for myself. I feel uglier than other people; I don’t find other people ugly.

I’ve not talked about this much before. I suppose it could be related to my abusive ex. He said or implied that I was ugly all the time. Who I was didn’t matter. Obviously, his supposed opinions about me shouldn’t matter (nor should this topic), but maybe it’s an ingrained thing after hearing it a lot.

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One study found that about 80% of individuals with BDD will repetitively check their appearance in mirrors, often for considerable lengths of time, whilst the remaining 20% tend to avoid mirrors altogether.

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/a ... %2C%202001).

I avoid looking in the mirror whenever possible. I can’t stand doing it.

I think my body is gross too and not just for appearance-related reasons although they don’t help.


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babybird
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04 Feb 2024, 1:45 pm

Yeah I often think that a mirror can be either your worst enemy or your best friend

I have a bad relationship with my own reflection as well but I don't know if it's for the same reason as you.

It's incredible how a person can have so much power over you that they can literally make you have a distorted perception of yourself


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Jakki
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04 Feb 2024, 3:09 pm

A Person might think..That if you hada poignant human interaction and something damaged or disillusioned a person about the object of their interest . Maybe the memories and associations might take a good deal of time to process out of any anxiety or trauma created by that past association . :shrug: :shrug:
And things that a personally sensative person was told by that association or person ,that at one time ,they respected
very much . Could have been very impactful on that persons mindset ? And then you might realise that things they were told , might have been said as conjecture or being mean? Kinda leaves a persons mind in a less than helpful place in "their own mind?" :oops: ...... 8O


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TwilightPrincess
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04 Feb 2024, 7:32 pm

In a Ted Talk I watched recently about someone who has CPTSD, she talked about a moment where something shattered and was never the same again. I experienced something similar, so I’m not sure if some of my problems with myself stem from that. I had been experiencing ongoing trauma, but it was sort of like my threshold had finally been surpassed at that point. I started feeling more like an absence than a presence. I felt like I no longer mattered and that I didn’t deserve any better. I became very passive. It’s kind of hard to explain. I’d never think that other people would deserve such treatment.

When I was going through Hell, I remember looking at myself in the mirror and not even recognizing myself anymore. It was…unsettling. I was just a stranger - a stranger with dead eyes. I’ve not experienced anything close to that since I got out of that situation, but my overall feelings about myself haven’t changed.

Sometimes people expect victims/survivors to return to normal (whatever that means), but I don’t think that’s often realistic, especially if you’ve experienced multiple traumas. I still want to continue working towards contentment, happiness and fulfillment, but I don’t think complete healing is possible.


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IsabellaLinton
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04 Feb 2024, 10:07 pm

Me and Mirrors:


I went to my Naturopath on Friday the 26th for facial acupuncture (among other things).
She mentioned it might cause mild bruising.

I went to the dentist on the 30th.
She said I had a bruise on my face.
I had no idea because I hadn't looked in a mirror since the 26th.

Then I came home from the dentist and still didn't look in a mirror.
MD mentioned to me yesterday that I had a bruise.

I still haven't looked at it.
It would be well over a week old by now.

I got rid of all the mirrors in my house years ago.
I have one in each bathroom but that's it.
I don't use them to do my hair or look at myself.
Mirrors freak me out.

When I brush my teeth I always walk out of the bathroom.
I walk around in circles when brushing.
Then I spit, rinse, and leave the bathroom.
No mirror involved.


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TwilightPrincess
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05 Feb 2024, 12:59 am

Mirrors bothered me worse up until a couple years ago. I still don't like them, but they don't terrify me as much as they used to. Back then, I was terrified of seeing someone behind me or just seeing something "off" (i.e. unexpected). I slept with the light on too. For awhile after I got rid of my husband, my son and I slept together in my locked bedroom with the light on and a baseball bat nearby. My son had no idea that I was afraid of anything. I'd read to him until he fell asleep and then I'd freak out over every noise and dread having to leave the room to use the bathroom. My son also didn't know we were dirt poor. I'd say, "I'm really hungry for fried rice." He'd say, "Me too," so we'd have fried rice for dinner.


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IsabellaLinton
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05 Feb 2024, 1:11 am

My son slept with me after his dad left too.
He was three when he left, and he slept with me until he was about seven.
He was terrified of sleeping alone because of how he'd been treated.

You sound like a very good mother.


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TwilightPrincess
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05 Feb 2024, 1:19 am

Thanks! I try. He's a great kid.

He slept with me until he was 11. That's when he finally wanted to sleep in his own bed. He's never had a problem with being scared of the dark or with nightmares like I did when I was a kid although he's a lot like me overall. My parents hated it when I'd have a nightmare and want to sleep in their bedroom. I had to sleep on the floor. I hated seeing underneath the dark bed, so it wasn't much better than my own room. I know we've talked about this stuff before.


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IsabellaLinton
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05 Feb 2024, 1:32 am

Yup. I had to sleep on my parents' floor too, without any pillows or anything.

The main reason I don't like mirrors is that I don't like proof that I exist.
I'm so detached from my physical self / life, that I feel like a disembodied mind.
Mirrors shatter that illusion.
I'd rather not exist at all.
Yes it's because of shame from trauma.


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