Everything is crazy, and I need to keep my sanity.

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Sweetleaf
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14 Nov 2023, 2:30 am

Alright so my grandpa has died, and this past couple days were his memorial and with some remaining money he had in savings my mom set it up for us to go up to a hot springs resort after the memorial service. That was a good night, idk probably the way my grandpa would have wanted it. I don't think he would have wanted us to just mournfully cry about his passing but he wants us to remember our family.

So idk dealing with my grandpas passing is a lot, like I miss him, but it was nice going to a hot springs for a night. But my cousin who idk she is like a sister to me...has seemed to have had some kind of psychotic break. Like she is not doing well mentally. Apparently now she is expressing wanting to go to a hospital, idk she called my dad and he was concerned so he talked to her mom(my aunt) and remembered I had needed mental help in the past so he wanted me to tell them which place I went to, so maybe she could get in there. But yeah she has just been acting weird...and me and my boyfriend after the hot springs trip gave her a ride down, but we heard she's been lonely so we invited her to come to our place for the night and were going to send her back home on a bus the next day since its a long drive to denver from here.

But having her here, like she was acting kind of crazy and out of it, so yeah we decided to just drive her back home...because I didn't feel good about sending her off on a bus by herself, like that. Like downtown denver has gotten way more sketchy and she would have gotten dropped off there from the bus and had to find a bus back to her place and she did not seem sound enough of mind to do that. Like I needed to see her go back into her house to make sure she had made it back home safe.

Like she is way to skinny, keeps kind of insane laughing...or seems out of it, and like she can't quite comprehend what all people are saying to her.....seems like she's had some periods of at least semi-catotonia. But yeah this is not how she was, she's had a rough go at life but she always managed to do ok she even had a kid who is maybe like 8 now...and she was doing good with being a parent. But yeah I guess since a few weeks ago she has been acting well for lack of a better word 'crazy'...like so her kid has just been staying with his dad her ex because yeah no way she could take care of a kid right now. I mean it's not her fault...she just has had some kind of mental breakdown and is all messed up. And probably needs family support now more than ever.

Seems like now she is saying she may want to go to a hospital, which would as far as I can tell be the best choice, like she is underweight and having some kind of severe mental health issues. They could sort some of that out in the hospital so I think she should for sure go to one. But it's hard, like I've never seen her like this....it's awful. I love her a lot but yeah she needs professional help for sure. I mean I am no psyciatrist but I am worried she may have gotten like late onset schizophrenia or something, she is in her young 30's.

But yeah it is hard to see someone you love, in such a bad mental state...I am not sure like what happened that maybe triggered this or what, but yeah she is in a bad way mentally. She had some moments of clairity where we were having a bit of normal conversation, but then she'd suddenly get all out of it and seem like she wasn't comprehending everything and maybe say kind of weird things, nothing inappropriate just stuff that didn't really make sense. My aunt(her mom) who she has been living with said it seemed like kind of a sudden change, like she was ok and then she wasn't.

BUt yeah so my grandpa died and my cousin who is like a sister to me is in a mental health crisis. It is hard to maintain strong mental health with so much going on....but I have to, like I have family that needs me I can't go insane to. Cause yeah if my cousin does have something like schizophrenia than I am sure she will need family support for the long term and we won't abandon her...like I will die before I allow her to live on the streets. If it comes to that she will come live with me and my boyfriend. But yeah so a lot of crap death, insanity and the world news outside the bubble of people I know(mostly family...I don't have any friends lol) is not much better. I guess my sisters husband is sort of like a friend, but I mean now he is my brother in law so technically that now makes him part of my family.

Just needed to vent about it, but if anyone has thoughts I welcome them.


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Mountain Goat
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14 Nov 2023, 6:40 am

Sorry to hear and yes she really needs the right type of help that will actually help her and not hinder her.

I will pray if thats ok?


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Sweetleaf
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14 Nov 2023, 3:25 pm

Mountain Goat wrote:
Sorry to hear and yes she really needs the right type of help that will actually help her and not hinder her.

I will pray if thats ok?


Yeah, that's for sure...I'll probably talk to my aunt later to see if she has any updates on the situation.

and if you want to pray go for it, it certainly won't hurt anything.


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14 Nov 2023, 4:16 pm

Yes. Hope her mind recovers well.

Keep yourself safe as well.

I went numb when my Dad died, and went to 43 funerals in just a few years... Lots of relitives and family friends my parents had.. Both my aunts and uncles from both sides, and a neighbour just six days after my Dad died.... Also pet animals died as well during that time.


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15 Nov 2023, 7:11 am

Might contact state agencies to get help from a social worker.

She will probably need "head meds".



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15 Nov 2023, 8:50 pm

Sorry for your loss; never a fun time when loved ones take their journey.

Sounds like you and your family know that your cousin needs professional help and I hope she gets it. Stress/grief can manifest itself differently in different folks.. could just be that her condition + losing her grandfather = this result and in time her mind will settle down and she'll be more balanced again.

Time heals all, as they say.

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Sweetleaf
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16 Nov 2023, 4:36 pm

Thanks for your comments, and I have a bit of an update.

My cousin did not end up going to a hospital yet, she was thinking about it but for now seems to have changed her mind. Me and my boyfriend talked to her mom last night, and she mentioned she heard from my cousins, sons dad that her son is crying at school because he's worried about her. So, her mom is going to see if he will talk to my cousin about it...not sure he'll agree to it, but if he does maybe that could sway her to go.

Other than that, I don't want to but may have to see about getting my siblings in on some kind of intervention. I know she loves all of us like we're her siblings and trusts us, but interventions tend to piss of the recipient at least initially. But if we don't do something we may not have a cousin much longer...she is dangerously skinny and unable to take care of herself, that obviously can't end well.


Probably the sort of situation where we have to risk her being angry with us, because we love her and can't do nothing. And hopefully she'd forgive us when she gets a bit better, and can understand we only did it because we care about her.


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16 Nov 2023, 10:03 pm

Also though can malnutrition make people act weird? cause like she is, skin and bones ribs sticking out, so clearly not eating enough. So today like we live a town away from her but we ordered her some vegan taco bell options, to her house for her from door dash to make sure she got something to eat...seems like she did get the food and it was fine for her vegan taste...we made sure not to get cheese or other questionable items on it. So I suppose we we'll leave it for tonight, since seems like she got the food and is doing ok for tonight.

But yeah we can't afford to just get her doordash everyday, so she still needs help and more help than me or my boyfriend or my other siblings can give. But idk for now we're jsut trying to make sure she gets some food to eat. she is very underweight for sure and that could be playing into the issues she is having.

I just didn't know she is doing so bad, but f**k idk might be me and my boyfriend are the best able to help her, but we are poor ourselves so it would be hard taking in someone who cannot work at all, but yeah the way she is there is no way she could do a regular job. LIke I don't want to have to basically babysit her for the long term, but like if that is what she needs me and my boyfriend can help...just wasn't what we were planning for, but if she needs our help than we're here for her. Like we certainly did not invision my cousin going crazy but she is and we can't abandon her. And idk I feel like this is my thing, like my mom is still greiving about her dad just passing away, my sister and brother have their lives going on....and idk I am the oldest sister so I also have to find a way to care for my cousin, feels like it is kind of falling on me and I can't abandon my cousin. So may fall on me and my boyfriend to try and take care of her. IDK Just seems like she was so independent before, and now if you take her to a place to eat she has no idea what she wants and just asks other people to order something vegan for her. Like I hate to say it but it's like trying to take care of a picky child...I know it's not her fault, but it is just hard to see her like that let alone deal with her like that.

All I can think is I was glad to see my cousin in a lot of ways, but not like this...goddamn, she is messed up for sure...and not drugs even just too much on her plate that she couldn't handle. So Idk now me and my boyfriend are kind of you know pre-occupied with her wellbeing...and idk we could be stretching ourselves too thin, but we also can't leave my cousin to fend for herself like this. LOl we are working out if we can get her mom to make sure she eats, or bring her to our place for a week or two and make sure she gets enough food for a couple weeks if maybe that would help clear her mind a bit.

Idk we my boyfriend and me, and my cousins mom don't want to call for an involuntary assessment for her, so we are trying to do all the least invasive attempts before it comes to that, if we can.


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17 Nov 2023, 3:25 am

Damn do I need an acid trip...lol, don't worry it helps me...helps me deal with the madness, which ahh I wish I knew of a cliff I could go out on and scream upon without disturbing the townspeople. Just give a good scream about my grandpa dying and being worried about my cousin and so many other painful things going on in the world, I think it would make me feel better just not sure where to do it that it won't disturb someone, I mean granted me and my boyfriend rode a train to my sisters wedding and there was an area about something to do with the moon, just a stretch in colorado where a bunch of country people always moon the train when it goes by....that was pretty funny to be honest, one guy was really hamming it up and shaking his butt at the train.

But still don't have a place where I can scream like a wild animal without disturbing people, so I have to find other coping mechanisms like fidget spinners.


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17 Nov 2023, 6:11 am

just saying I am not ok....bla bla bla, not ok, don't know if I will ever be ok again.

LOl thought I could relax after my grandpas death, but with my cousins mental health I can't just relax while she is like that. but idk she needs medical attention but seems kind of reistant so I don't even know if I cuold convince her to look into mental health treatment as she may be resistant to do so. BUt idk my honest opinion is I think it may be what she needs..i just don't want to risk her hating me, but at the end of the dy I'd rather she hate me than end up dead...I just don't want her to hate me cause I love her and I'd never even consider that sort of thing in normal circumstances, but idk my cousin is litterally skin and bones if no one intervenes she could die of malnutrition and even if she hated me for it I guess I'd rather have an alive cousin who is mad at me than a dead cousin, who is well dead.

So yeah ahhh, what do I do...what can I do?


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17 Nov 2023, 6:05 pm

It's nice to want to help, she does need help, but it's not necessarily Your responsibility to help - especially if you don't have the resources like disposable income to pay for her meals. Do what you can and want to, but I feel your efforts would have better long term results getting her to see doctors, arranging for her to have a social worker or something assigned to her that'll see she has any/all supports available. Stuff like that that puts the responsibility on professionals vs. adding stress and expenses to your life that you don't have the capacity to easily afford.

Also, take the acid trip. 8)


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Sweetleaf
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18 Nov 2023, 2:12 am

goldfish21 wrote:
It's nice to want to help, she does need help, but it's not necessarily Your responsibility to help - especially if you don't have the resources like disposable income to pay for her meals. Do what you can and want to, but I feel your efforts would have better long term results getting her to see doctors, arranging for her to have a social worker or something assigned to her that'll see she has any/all supports available. Stuff like that that puts the responsibility on professionals vs. adding stress and expenses to your life that you don't have the capacity to easily afford.

Also, take the acid trip. 8)


I mean things are rough for me financially, but yeah have reached out to other family and stuff...but to be honest at this point it does land on me to take care of her. LIke yeah even her mom is working from 6:30 am to 6:30 at night so she can't exaclty stick around to make sure my cousin is eating and stuff. My one brother is just sort of getting on track himself and my other brother is living in minnesota with my dad and a cousin out there. And my sister and her husband have a lot going on right now. So yeah at this point I do feel responsible for a lot of this, because everyone else is more busy and this all cannot nessisarly wait till those guys have more free- time. Me and my boyfriend are going to visit her tommorrow, and see if we can convince her to at least get her nutrition checked out with a doctor or clinic, and other than that we were going to bring her a load of vegan food she can eat. I am thinking I can try to let her know I have had to get help in the past for nutirtion issues, and reassure her I don't think she's crazy she just needs to get her nutrients in balance so she can get to functioning better. remind her that me, my sister and both my brothers love her and just want her to be ok.

But yeah I think if she can get some nutrients back and such, she may start thinking more clearly to be more mindful that she does need a bit of help and support. BUt also there is the chance it could backfire, which in that case I wouldn't know what to do aside from getting her a wellness check(it's just if we do that, it means like basically two mental health professionals and a cop would go talk to her and potentially get her committed somewhere for a few days at least but yeah me and my boyfriend are worried about getting cops involved, as they have a tendency to shoot to kill people that did not need to be killed, so yeah we don't want to get police involved with her. But yeah that is like a last resort, but we are hoping she will listen to a bit of reason from me and my boyfriend so it doesn't have to come to that.

I mean plus my mom and this cousins aunt have been also, dealing with grief from their dad, my grandpa dying so like they aren't even in the best place for this. BUt I also feel like I saw my grandpa for a minute before he passed away, and seems like he just wants us to keep the family together....like his dying wish is that we remember our family my mom and my aunt(this cousins mom) are you know having a rough go of it....and my mom said she is wary about helping my aunt and cousin cause they always seem mad at her....but I had always thought she was the one mad at them and now I kind of feel like 'why don't you two just get over whatever bad blood you have and just be family, just be sisters for a moment. for mu cousins sake, my whole family sake like get over it and be sisters for f***s sake. LIke me and my sister have periods we don't talk much, but we're still like close we have no hostility towards each other same with my brothers. but yeah I don't know what it is with my mom and my cousins mom my aunt, like why won't those two my aunt and my mom just get along.

MY family is extremely messed up, it's been a long line of mentally ill people on both sides for sure. Pius well I also lost my grandpa...so I have a bit on my plate and not sure I have even coped with that yet really, but my cousin is the priority right now as she is still alive and I could maybe help her so I don't lose her to.


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18 Nov 2023, 2:53 am

goldfish21 wrote:
It's nice to want to help, she does need help, but it's not necessarily Your responsibility to help - especially if you don't have the resources like disposable income to pay for her meals. Do what you can and want to, but I feel your efforts would have better long term results getting her to see doctors, arranging for her to have a social worker or something assigned to her that'll see she has any/all supports available. Stuff like that that puts the responsibility on professionals vs. adding stress and expenses to your life that you don't have the capacity to easily afford.

Also, take the acid trip. 8)


But yeah I just want to encourage her to get stabalized....and lol as soon as I find acid again I will find a time to trip, my state decriminalized mushrooms but...idk mushrooms are more stressful than acid at least in my opinion. LIke give me acid instead of shrooms any day. BUt idk who knows maybe acid is next for being decriminalized....

Can you imagine the colorado's tourism adds, come trip acid, really see colorful colorado... 8) and I mean lsd acid not whatever me and my brother got when someone ripped us off, there were drugs on the candy we bought it just was certainly not LSD...just a vaugly simular research chemical, and it didn't even have good visiuals just made me and my brother paranoid for a few hours. idk maybe whatever we got is good for a trip if you plan for it, but idk we thought it was going to be lsd so we wern't accounting for it not being that so kind of freaked us out.

Idk if it happens in canada but yeah sometimes people sell non lsd research chemicals as 'acid', but acid is supposed to refer to lsd but yeah idk in the U.S if you get acid, it could be something other than lsd. That being said that was the only time the acid was not lsd the 5 times before it sure was lol.

But to be serious like me and my boyfriend are not going to give her drugs...outside of weed if she wants to smoke some. It could be fun to trip with her, but I think we will hold off on planning anything like that till she is doing a bit better as in her current state that could be a bad idea.


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18 Nov 2023, 4:07 am

I am nervous though, I don't want to make my cousin mad and/or ruin our family relatiionship...but I need to tell her that I think she needs medical help. and tommorrow me and my boyfriend are going there, i am just nervous about how she may react. So idk I am hoping for the best. I just hope it goes more smoothly and I suppose I'd rather have an angry cousin than a dead one. But still it's hard to get on board with the thing you need to do for someone may anger them initially and being worried she wont forgive me makes it hard.

But I cannot just stand by while she wastes away, like I have to do something and she seems to think I am super cool, idk I don't feel that way about myself. But like I'm not cool, I don't even have any friends so idk why my cousin would think I am even a little bit cool. she was always cooler than me....like she can skateboard and I can barely stand on a skateboard without falling off.

But yeah tommorrow I just have to let her know me and my boyfriend think she is cool, and that is why we want her to get nutrition help. So we can visit her more often and hopefully she can get to a point to be able to visit with her son again, as well. I do kind of wish I could reach out to her son and let him know that me and my siblings are working on helping his mom so he can see her again. But last time I saw him he was like 3 and now he's probably like 8 so idk if he even remembers ever meeting me and my boyfriend as he was just a toddler when he met us. so probably would be weird for someone who only knew him as a baby to show up and try to talk to him about his mom. It's just I hope that little guy is getting some support from his dad and such that his mom will get better, like he is just a little boy and this is probably terrifying for him.


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Last edited by Sweetleaf on 18 Nov 2023, 4:21 am, edited 1 time in total.

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18 Nov 2023, 4:18 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
goldfish21 wrote:
It's nice to want to help, she does need help, but it's not necessarily Your responsibility to help - especially if you don't have the resources like disposable income to pay for her meals. Do what you can and want to, but I feel your efforts would have better long term results getting her to see doctors, arranging for her to have a social worker or something assigned to her that'll see she has any/all supports available. Stuff like that that puts the responsibility on professionals vs. adding stress and expenses to your life that you don't have the capacity to easily afford.

Also, take the acid trip. 8)


But yeah I just want to encourage her to get stabalized....and lol as soon as I find acid again I will find a time to trip, my state decriminalized mushrooms but...idk mushrooms are more stressful than acid at least in my opinion. LIke give me acid instead of shrooms any day. BUt idk who knows maybe acid is next for being decriminalized....

Can you imagine the colorado's tourism adds, come trip acid, really see colorful colorado... 8) and I mean lsd acid not whatever me and my brother got when someone ripped us off, there were drugs on the candy we bought it just was certainly not LSD...just a vaugly simular research chemical, and it didn't even have good visiuals just made me and my brother paranoid for a few hours. idk maybe whatever we got is good for a trip if you plan for it, but idk we thought it was going to be lsd so we wern't accounting for it not being that so kind of freaked us out.

Idk if it happens in canada but yeah sometimes people sell non lsd research chemicals as 'acid', but acid is supposed to refer to lsd but yeah idk in the U.S if you get acid, it could be something other than lsd. That being said that was the only time the acid was not lsd the 5 times before it sure was lol.

But to be serious like me and my boyfriend are not going to give her drugs...outside of weed if she wants to smoke some. It could be fun to trip with her, but I think we will hold off on planning anything like that till she is doing a bit better as in her current state that could be a bad idea.


I’ve heard of people getting research chems, but mostly that’s from posts I’ve seen online. I dunno if anyone I know has gotten any - maybe if they ordered from some random website. But the thing is I know all the Real people that get/sell acid here. (Mushrooms, too.) They’re all hippies from the beach. Some of them have suppliers they’ve known for decades. Another knows someone who actually makes it - which is like wizard of oz rare. *crossing my fingers that’s where I get some next* (Tried it; best I’ve ever had!)

I think I have some tabs somewhere from at least 3 different sources. Some were gifted to me. It’s not super rare to find in my circles, just something I seldom do - once a year or so. But each time I think “I should do this a little more often.”

I haven’t used one, but there are several spots around Metro Vancouver that have mass spectrometers for testing any drugs and they’ll tell ya what’s in anything for free. There should be tons of them all over the place so people can test everything conveniently.

One major thing that affects potency is light exposure. LSD is photosensitive.. so sunlight degrades it. That’s why tabs are wrapped in foil and liquid is in dark glass and to be kept in a cool dark place. Never buy any of its just open to the sunlight - it’s bunk.

Ya no don’t give her any acid lol herb maybe but def not cid at this time, save that precious resource for yourself and maybe your bf 8)


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Sweetleaf
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18 Nov 2023, 5:03 am

goldfish21 wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
goldfish21 wrote:
It's nice to want to help, she does need help, but it's not necessarily Your responsibility to help - especially if you don't have the resources like disposable income to pay for her meals. Do what you can and want to, but I feel your efforts would have better long term results getting her to see doctors, arranging for her to have a social worker or something assigned to her that'll see she has any/all supports available. Stuff like that that puts the responsibility on professionals vs. adding stress and expenses to your life that you don't have the capacity to easily afford.

Also, take the acid trip. 8)


But yeah I just want to encourage her to get stabalized....and lol as soon as I find acid again I will find a time to trip, my state decriminalized mushrooms but...idk mushrooms are more stressful than acid at least in my opinion. LIke give me acid instead of shrooms any day. BUt idk who knows maybe acid is next for being decriminalized....

Can you imagine the colorado's tourism adds, come trip acid, really see colorful colorado... 8) and I mean lsd acid not whatever me and my brother got when someone ripped us off, there were drugs on the candy we bought it just was certainly not LSD...just a vaugly simular research chemical, and it didn't even have good visiuals just made me and my brother paranoid for a few hours. idk maybe whatever we got is good for a trip if you plan for it, but idk we thought it was going to be lsd so we wern't accounting for it not being that so kind of freaked us out.

Idk if it happens in canada but yeah sometimes people sell non lsd research chemicals as 'acid', but acid is supposed to refer to lsd but yeah idk in the U.S if you get acid, it could be something other than lsd. That being said that was the only time the acid was not lsd the 5 times before it sure was lol.

But to be serious like me and my boyfriend are not going to give her drugs...outside of weed if she wants to smoke some. It could be fun to trip with her, but I think we will hold off on planning anything like that till she is doing a bit better as in her current state that could be a bad idea.


I’ve heard of people getting research chems, but mostly that’s from posts I’ve seen online. I dunno if anyone I know has gotten any - maybe if they ordered from some random website. But the thing is I know all the Real people that get/sell acid here. (Mushrooms, too.) They’re all hippies from the beach. Some of them have suppliers they’ve known for decades. Another knows someone who actually makes it - which is like wizard of oz rare. *crossing my fingers that’s where I get some next* (Tried it; best I’ve ever had!)

I think I have some tabs somewhere from at least 3 different sources. Some were gifted to me. It’s not super rare to find in my circles, just something I seldom do - once a year or so. But each time I think “I should do this a little more often.”

I haven’t used one, but there are several spots around Metro Vancouver that have mass spectrometers for testing any drugs and they’ll tell ya what’s in anything for free. There should be tons of them all over the place so people can test everything conveniently.

One major thing that affects potency is light exposure. LSD is photosensitive.. so sunlight degrades it. That’s why tabs are wrapped in foil and liquid is in dark glass and to be kept in a cool dark place. Never buy any of its just open to the sunlight - it’s bunk.

Ya no don’t give her any acid lol herb maybe but def not cid at this time, save that precious resource for yourself and maybe your bf 8)


For sure, like yeah she needs to get her nutrition back before me and my bf would even consider tripping with her, that being said Idk that she is even intrested in tripping, but if she was for sure we'd be waiting till she gets more stabalized before we'd even suggest it to her. cause yeah in her current state if I jsut said 'do you wan't acid' she may just say yes without thinking it throuh and so yeah probably best to not bring that up to her in her current state cause not so sure acid and starvation would interact well together. LIke there are some things one must be more sober for, such as being told by the people you love that you need some kind of professional help, but also we will do our best to let her know we also have struggles with that stuff and she can reach out any-time and we will do our best to give her support.

I am just kicking myself because I could have reached out to her before it got so bad, but I had no idea she was struggling with depression and stuff. Idk I thought she still had friends she was hanging out with and maybe some of them had babies to....like I thought she had her stuff together and was doing ok, but apparently even before she started acting noticably weird even in front of her kid, she was having some depression issues and stuff and basically isolated most of the time....like it's news to me but yeah I just hope my attemt this weekend isn't too little, too late. you know. Just seems she has not been receptive to my aunt or my sister that she may need to get some help, but maybe if we can use the approach of she is malnourished and needs to get a health plan of some kind.....cause yeah it seems like she is so skinny it is beyond just encouraging her to eat some and she may need like an iv of vitamins and nutrients just to get her stable...before she could even have the capacity to think right. l

I just am woried she does not want to accept help, but she needs some kind of help. So I just hope she will be receptive to me tommorrow even if she is angry with me initally, but I can't just stand by and let her waste away......so I have to risk making her angry if she does not react well to me telling her she needs her nutrition looked at. by a doctor or some kind of health professional. This is no time to be a coward, like my cousin needs me and even if she is not receptive to getting help the next step is a health check. I can't just sneak around for fear of angering her, when like she could die if she doesn't start getting her nutrition sorted out.


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We won't go back.