This probably isn't helpful

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...but I feel like I'm allowed to let off a bit of steam. After all, I feel as though I have helped enough people here.

I feel as though my life is going nowhere. I'm 19, I live in a small but pretty enough and relatively safe town in northern England. I don't work because I have disabilities that prevent me from working (apart from my Asperger's Syndrome I may cite impaired vision, nystagmus, dyspraxia and a lack of independence skills). I carry a blind man's stick with me whenever I walk around town on my own. I lack the independence skills to properly fulfill a life without help - and this worries not just me but my family also. I'm overweight, having a BMI rating of just under 40 but I am taking steps to rectify this by losing weight and continuing to exercise. Some of the medication I take worries me slightly as I feel tired much of the time and lacking in energy, choosing to sleep for much of the day. I know that this cannot be healthy for my wellbeing, especially with the spring and summer months coming soon.

I like a beer and often take myself off to the local pub but feel somewhat hindered as I can make no conversation with nor make any connection to my fellow drinkers. I don't have a girlfriend. I live with my parents. Apart from my mother (who I dearly love) I feel somewhat friendless. This never really bothered me in the past. I always had my interests to keep me occupied in some form or another but as I begin to get older it chafes away in my brain.

Now, look here. I'm not saying my life here is bad or anything but I just feel so very... alone. But my problem here is that I can't honestly say I identify with others who find themselves in a similar situation. I guess that's primarily a 'fault' or 'feature' of having Asperger's Syndrome. It's tempting at times to think that I am damaged goods in some way even though I reconcile myself with the fact that I must be useful to someone otherwise I would not be here.

I guess I am looking for some sort of purpose in life. I know that this is probably the wrong place to ask. I had thought of asking on other forums but I get the impression that people would probably be slightly bewildered if I were to post this. Don't worry, I'm not about to do anything particularly rash or stupid like attempting hara-kiri or anything of that sort but it slowly ticks away at me. I realise that there are people on this very forum far worse off than me and I am comparatively extremely lucky but it is not the most helpful thing in the world on a personal level.

I'll put the bucket down over there and you can all put your two cents in. Discuss.

maybe you can do some volunteer's work like in old people's house or help poor children. maybe this will put some purpose in your life

It sounds to me like you are at a cross roads in life and needing something new to do. When I felt like that I decided to do a msc- I do it with the open university- They are fantastic and I couldnt rate them highly enough. There disability stuff is great too and they can give you the courses on tape and have people write for you in the exam and lots of other help. Its free if you are on low income or benefit and they will even give you grants- they do every subject and are rated bt the times newspaper as top 10 universities. One tutor I had in my Bsc was a researcher at Oxford and I saw him later on the TV so they are top stuff. You dont have to see other students and do the social side like in normal uni. I found it raised my self esteem doing intelectual stuff and was fun and interesting. anyway theres my 2 cents.

I have a similar problem, I'm 19, sit around at home every day on my own. But I don't have dreams like other people. I can't say to myself, "well I've always wanted to start my own business so I'm gonna go for it and let nothing stand in my way." or anything like that, because I don't want to start my own business, or start a family, or learn a new language or become the inventor of a gound-breaking, multi-purpose thing-a-majig so exciting that it causes me to use four hyphens in a single sentence. Everything in this world seems so damn trivial to me, but that's apathy for ya. I don't want to be a volunteer and help old people, because I don't care. I don't want to take a course to learn self-defence or to learn horticulture or to learn knitcraft or to learn how to build a big tower out of nothing but sporks...because I don't care. I just don't care no matter how much I try and what is there in life for a man who doesn't care? Do I even care to know? A little. I think. Maybe...

I don't know if this will be of any help, or not, but here comes my 2 cents. Do with it what you please.

When I'm feeling stuck in life I make a list of everything that I would like to be different, or that I'd like to change. Then, I number them level of importance, or urgency. I work on one at a time, with small little goals within each thing that I'd like to change. When I feel like I'm reaching my goal, and I'm comfortable I move on to number 2 on the list. I have to resist the urge to work on more then one thing at a time, or else I seem to get overwhelmed, and fail. It sounds like you've already started doing this by deciding to lose weight as goal number one.

I wish you luck, and I hope that you feel better soon.

To those of you that responded: thank you very much. The world isn't so bad after all even though I still feel as though I am at something of a crossroads.

I have looked into doing a photography course at the local college but the fees are astronomical (they were asking for nearly £500; money I don't exactly have) so that one has been kicked into the long grass for the time being. I think I need something to start having some meaning to my life instead of what I am doing at the moment. I'm not doing nothing but I don't seem to be doing enough fulfilling things.

I'll answer your responses now:

lotusblossom: That's not a bad idea. As I said earlier I'm going to look into doing something like that. I think socialising would be a large part of any course so distance courses wouldn't be such an attractive option for me. I'm sure I could do it with the right level of support involved.

NUTLOG: What do you look like? Could you make yourself physically fitter? How about improving your diet? Whereabouts do you live? Spending my time with older people perhaps isn't for me (though I know it's always on the table should I change my mind and I may yet do so). You must care about something, otherwise you wouldn't be here. Most of us here want more.

serenity: That's pretty much what my mum said to me earlier and it's something I'm getting on with. She also said that I can only commit suicide if we both go together or she dies first and there's nothing left for me here. Which is fair enough. Suicide isn't really my thing though. I want to try to make at least something of my life before I jack it in.

Again, thank you so much for your help. It's times like these when you realise what WrongPlanet's true purpose is: for people with Asperger's to aid and assist one another. I am only human as are we all!

Anyway, thanks for reading.

What do I look like? Thin, lanky and bearded. I guess that sums it up. Sure, I could be fitter, I'm extremely unfit, but there's not really any space to excercise inside my house, except for running on the spot or doing situps and crap like that, but I can't do anything like that for more than about a minute without going crazy from boredom. At least when I'm sitting there doing nothing I can sit and think, but if I excercise then the feeling of exhaustion is too distracting for deep thought, I get bored instantly and being bored drives me crazy and being crazy drives me crazier. The alternative of course is to look to the outside for excercise, with its fresh air and its sunlight. Me and the outside don't get along too well though, so I feel a little uncomfortable being out there. Arg, everybody is looking at me! Plus I don't have the motivation, I mean, I'd have to keep at it once I actually managed to get reasonably healthy, otherwise time would undo all my hard work. Hell, I had to go to a gym once a week back in 2005 when I was involved in this crappy entry to employment ..thing. I only felt worse for it, guess I needed to exercise much more than once a week to feel a benefit, but gee, there's just no point. Feeling healthy just doesn't interest me.
Can't improve my diet either really, I'm very picky with foods and that ain't gonna change any time soon. Where do I live? I live in a small village in Norfolk, not much be going down here and even if there was, I wouldn't want to be involved anyway.



Well, I care about me, my parents, my possessions and..well that's all that comes to mind. Don't seem much there to give me a grand purpose.

The open university can be very social if you want it to- courses have tutorials ranging from weekly to monthly, student union meets and study groups, when I was younger and more social I used to go to these and made loads of friends. look at there website anyway I am on a post grad couse which obviously has less numbers so has phone tutorials and online conferencing but the others in the tutor group meet up but I dont like people now so choose not to.

I often thought (and still think) that whenever I go out people are staring right at me. So I make sure before I go out that I look OK and stuff and not completely weird. The only way to happiness is getting out a bit and walking, I'm afraid. Ever thought about becoming a postman?



What are you doing sat at home all day? Even if it's 'wasted' time you're at least wasting it doing something rather than wasting it just sitting there. I like to doss and do very little too but it doesn't rule my life like it once did.



Now that's become gyms are rubbish. Why go to a gym when you can get all the exercise in the world for free?



I thought that until I started getting healthier. It means you can do more things rather than just sit about doing nothing all day. I spent years inside, doing very little. Sure, I'm not Mr. Activity as it is now but my situation has improved.



Sounds more like you don't want to change than can't to me. I couldn't eat cabbage but I do now. See where I'm coming from?



Fair enough.



The time has come to join the hunt for purpose in that case.

lotusblossom: I'll give the website a good look to see if there's anything that appeals.

Tequila I am a bit older than you but I can relate to allot of the things you have said. I also feel like my life is going no where and having just turned 27 yesterday I feel like a failure, at least financially and socially speaking. I do however exercise regularly and eat right, it is something that gives me a good bit of enjoyment and keeps me occupied. I too live in a small town, and have no friends/girlfriend. You can PM me some time if you want, I can give you some pointers on how I got exercise incorporated into my routine if you would find that useful, or if you just want to chat.

I have found a bad diet and lack of exercise can really contribute to feeling tired as you desribe , as can spending too much time inside. I suggest wrapping up and finding somewhere nice nearby to go for long walks. It might not work for you, but I find long walks in nature really help me.
And try and cut out the junk, if you eat it, and research into what you should be eating. Can guarantee you will feel much better if you drop some of that weight.

And as others have suggested, do some charity work...it will make you feel you are doing something worthwhile and allow you to meet others who are maybe also at a crossroads... I know a lot of people work in charity shops for that reason.

Get into a different routine.

I know exactly how you feel. I'm 26, will be 27 next month, and still living at home with my mother. I do have a job but it's a rather low paying one. I have no friends and never go out. I've never had a boyfriend or even been on a date. I'm also looking for my purpose in life -- some days I think I'll never find it. One thing that helps me is keeping a journal about how I feel. Putting my thoughts on paper helps me a lot.
Just wanted to let you know, you aren't alone -- and feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to.

I second (or third? didn't read too far) that volunteering would be an excellent starting point. No pressure, do what you can, find a cause you can stand firm against and at least feel that you've done something worthwhile or helpful when you put your head on your pillow each night.

I also think you should stop comparing your present state of being against the traditionally accepted "LIFE" (read in big flashy neon). You said yourself that you live in a pretty, small town and seem comfortable enough there to get out and walk around and take crap in. Forget about what society tells you you *should* have, what life you *should* be living, and just take solace in what you have. Being "alone" seems to be a popular place to be when you're an aspie. it's a recurring theme.

all that aside, I hope you do find contentedness.

i know how you feel tequila. i also live with my mom, (but only for a month more) and then im going to force myself to move out. even if i dont have a game plan about where im going to live im still moving out, and i also like beer although the bars here are expencive and im a cheap bastard so i just get whats ever cheapest lol. what im going to do is just throw myself out there and if i f**k up like i did last time on my own oh well. aslong as i dont get into any trouble that lands me in the slammer im really not gonna care about where my life ends up

goodluck

Getting out doesn't make me happy though. Going out for a walk has nothing to offer me, it's just a pointless journey where I end up exactly where I started. I don't like taking in the 'sights' or 'getting a bit of fresh air'. That doesn't change anything. Whenever I go out, (and nowadays I only leave my house to go to the bank once every few weeks) I always hate being out there, makes me feel uncomfortable and my only want is to return to my home and I when I finally come back home I always feel exhausted and/or agitated for the remainder of the day. That and I feel anxious the day before I have to go out. So I can only see negatives there. Where does the happiness come in? Am I supposed to feel free or something, just because I'm outside? Because it feels like the opposite.



Well, I listen to music a lot and spend a lot of time on computer games. I also try to make my own music, but I never seem to get anywhere with that, for a start I never have anything to 'say' with my music and I keep reading through basic music theory over and over and it just wont stick. Maybe I have a learning disorder or something, but even when I get into 'obsessive' mode and concentrate hard for a few days solid, I still don't make any progress. At school music was the only subject I was no good at, well, that and pe of course. Other than that I watch a small amount of tv, read random websites..that's about it really. I always have something to do, even though I often don't feel like doing it.



Wasn't really my choice, had to do that back then to get paid under that scheme. But getting free exercise means going outside and I just can't handle that and it's not one of those things that if you do it enough times it becomes easier. No, no, no. That seems to be people's answer to everything, "just push yourself, get out there and keep trying and eventually you'll feel better about leaving your comfort zone" or whatever nonsense they're likely to say. Doesn't work, back in high school when I had to leave the house every day to catch a bus, I felt the same anxiety walking up to the bus stop and hanging around a bunch of other people on my first day as I did on my last. It never got any easier for me, even 5 years of doing the exactly same thing, it never got any easier. I have numerous other examples too.



Well I'm always doing 'something'. I have a massive pile of 'things to do' but they're all just time fillers. I don't want to spend my life just filling time. What's the point?



So I'm supposed to force myself to eat stuff that I find repulsive? So that I feel ill during every meal and end up avoiding eating altogether? I struggle to eat enough as it is, I'm 5ft11 but only weigh 8 stone, used to be the same height and weigh 7 (that was a bmi of about 13.7) and this is how I am when I eat whatever I want whenever I want. If I start eating stuff that I don't like I'm going to end up eating less as a whole, that's not good. I've never been a fan of food in general, I eat because I have to, otherwise I wouldn't bother.



Been doing that for 19 years, I really doubt there is anything out there that I could possibly consider important enough to give me a purpose. If there was I expect I'd have found it by now, or at least developed a better sense of where to look for it.

Tequila,
would not get the course free due to getting dis. benefits?

What about going to a local aspie meet up/group [if there is one]?