Am I selfish? Am I wrong?

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Ladysmokeater
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20 Mar 2008, 2:53 pm

ok to make a short story out of a long one: my mom has been sick and needing some one with her when she has been out of the hospital. She fell ill in august and has been in and out of the hospital since. My dad hired a lady to help but she cant be there but 3.5 days a week. My dad has his own business and works long hours. because of finicial restraints, I live at home and I work two jobs (one requires me to be gone overnight every third day) to pay the bills i have (car, insurance, food, fuel, credit card, etc) Im trying to stick back snough to get a place, but thats taking along long time. ANYHOW, my dad has insisted I do all of the chores around the house because mom cant and he works all the time and has bad knees. (he is going for surgery in a few weeks so there will be TWO at the house in bad shape) My siblings (one close by one far away) make me feel selfish because Im trying to persue my life in the spare time I have. Dad treats me like a hired hand and we yell at one another alot, so much in fact that I stay away from the house as soon as I get the chores done so I dont have to be near him to avoid the fights. I spend nights that i can at my boyfriends house and keep crazy hours so I can get the chours done while dad is asleep. (IE I get up at 430 go home, do chores and then go to work so I can avoid him all together while getting stuff done) Im about to have a nervous break down I sware. I tried to talk to my dad about how we arent getting along and he said that he was the way he was and that I needed to accept it AND "my main priority is taking care of your mother and IF I hurt feelings or step on toes along the way thats just tough"
My boyfriend has issues of his own that he is dealing with so I cant move in with him, although that makes more finicial sense for both of us. To me the issue is no big deal, (its family) but to him it is so Im stuck hanging out there as much as I can and stuck in a horrible situation where I feel unwelcome by my family.
Since Ive been avoiding my family Ive felt better, my BP has gone down and I sleep better, BUT because Im avoiding them, my dad has been putting new guilt trips on me because Im not home and because Im not around. He keeps saying he wishes we were buddies like we used to be but he wont make any changes. I cant be nice to someone that treats me like crap. I cant. Now everyone tells me how bad he feels and its my fault and to grow up and shut up and deal with it because he feels bad. Ive tried to solve this it wont solve. Some days I wake up ans wish Id never been born. (not to die, just havent been created. very differnt)
My local sibling helps one day a week, theother will be here for a couple weeks after dads surgery.
Dad was saying a couple months ago while mom was in the hospital that no one cared but the far away sibling and that everyone else abandoned him. That made me feel like poo, plus when I try to tell him something I have planned or why I cant do what ever it was he planned for me to do, he gets all pissed and yells "well never mind, I take care of it my own damned self" and tells my family I wont (not cant) help.
To top it off, the B/F is feeling the strain because Im strained and its messing with the first deicent relationship Ive had. ever. (others have existed this is the first that ever lasted or wasnt screwed up already) My siblings told me that if he was any kind of man he would understand if I put him on the back burner to take care of my family. But I dont see them doing that with the spouses for more than just a day here and there.
Am I selfish to want to have my own life?
Am I wrong for wanting to do my own thing?
Im keeping up the house, should I have to do more?
Im miserable and suffereing here, I need some input. Thanks yall.



wsmac
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20 Mar 2008, 3:13 pm

Ladysmokeater wrote:
Okay, to make a short story out of a long one: my mom has been sick and needing someone with her while she has been out of the hospital. She fell ill in August and has been in and out of the hospital since. My dad hired a lady to help but she cant be there but 3.5 days a week.

My dad has his own business and works long hours. Because of financial restraints, I live at home and work two jobs (one requires me to be gone overnight every third day) to pay the bills I have (car, insurance, food, fuel, credit card, etc) I'm trying to stick back enough to get a place, but that's taking along long time.

ANYHOW, my dad has insisted I do all of the chores around the house because mom can't and he works all the time and has bad knees (he is going for surgery in a few weeks so there will be TWO at the house in bad shape). My siblings, (one close by one far away), make me feel selfish because I'm trying to pursue my life in the spare time I have. Dad treats me like a hired hand and we yell at one another a lot; so much in fact that I stay away from the house as soon as I get the chores done so I don't have to be near him to avoid the fights.

I spend nights that I can at my boyfriend's house and keep crazy hours so I can get the chours done while dad is asleep. (IE I get up at 430 go home, do chores and then go to work so I can avoid him all together while getting stuff done) I'm about to have a nervous break down I swear. I tried to talk to my dad about how we aren't getting along and he said that he was the way he was and that I needed to accept it, AND "my main priority is taking care of your mother and IF I hurt feelings or step on toes along the way thats just tough!".

My boyfriend has issues of his own that he is dealing with so I can't move in with him, although that makes more financial sense for both of us. To me the issue is no big deal, (its family), but to him it is so I'm stuck hanging out there as much as I can and stuck in a horrible situation where I feel unwelcome by my family.

Since Ive been avoiding my family I've felt better. My BP has gone down and I sleep better, BUT because I'm avoiding them, my dad has been putting new guilt trips on me because I'm not home and because I'm not around. He keeps saying he wishes we were buddies like we used to be but he won't make any changes. I can't be nice to someone that treats me like crap. I can't. Now everyone tells me how bad he feels and it's my fault, and to grow up and shut up and deal with it because he feels bad. I've tried to solve this; it won't solve. Some days I wake up and wish I'd never been born. (Not to die, just haven't been created. Very different)

My local sibling helps one day a week, the other will be here for a couple weeks after dads surgery.
Dad was saying a couple months ago while mom was in the hospital that no one cared but the far away sibling, and that everyone else abandoned him. That made me feel like poo. Plus when I try to tell him something I have planned or why I can't do what ever it was he planned for me to do, he gets all pissed and yells "well never mind, I take care of it my own damned self" and tells my family I won't (not can't) help.

To top it off, the B/F is feeling the strain because I'm strained and its messing with the first decent relationship I've had... ever (others have existed this is the first that ever lasted or wasn't screwed up already). My siblings told me that if he was any kind of man he would understand if I put him on the back burner to take care of my family. But I don't see them doing that with their spouses for more than just a day here and there.

Am I selfish to want to have my own life?

Am I wrong for wanting to do my own thing?

I'm keeping up the house, should I have to do more?

I'm miserable and suffering here, I need some input. Thanks ya'll.


Sorry to rearrange your post, but I have a difficult time reading one long paragraph on my screen.

Sounds like typical family dynamics where I'm from.
Do you think writing a letter explaining your position, then sending a copy to everyone, might help?

I have never seen these things work out unless the family usually has good communication with each other and the problems are just the result of current stress.

If this is the way things normally are with your family, I suggest you just find some way to convince yourself you are doing what you can and they are being unreasonable.
Since I don't know what's going on firsthand, I can't really comment on everyone's behavior.
But from your descriptions, it does sound as though everyone has a hard time talking with each other and working things out.

Somehow you need to find your own peaceful place amongst all this turmoil.

I wish you well.


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