Coping with bad memories (my personal experience)

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For my entire life, I've been plagued with horrible anxiety, and with the recurrence of bad memories, will shut down. I can't even begin to count how many hours I've spent shut up in my room, refusing to see anybody, with just my horrible memories of my past. I will often be curled up in my bed, reduced to tears, in need of a few hours to myself while I sleep off my nightmares and wait to become myself again.

I know I'm not the only one like this out there - it gets to the point where my parents think I may have a mild form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I don't think it's that anymore - I was harassed in middle school, and all of the symptoms make sense for me; further, the treatment for this would make a lot of sense for me as well. However, maybe I'm just sensitive in general...

The other main memory that comes back revolves around a job I had during my junior year of high school - I worked at a clothing store, where the store manager was a nasty b***h... while all of the other employees pranced around in their uggs and Hollister I stood out like a sore thumb, and with my insufficient social skills I couldn't survive there. The manager ended up telling me they had to downsize the staff and "couldn't give me any hours" - shortly after, they hired a new girl in my department... I was actually good at my job, and the department manager loved me, but this boss stressed me out, as well as certain aspects of the job. They mostly pinpointed me for being socially awkward, which I hated.

What I'm trying to say here is, these memories are directly related to my AS - mainly my social awkwardness. I have grown since then, and even though symptoms of AS do come back a lot of the time, my doctor told me I wouldn't be diagnosed with it if I were to be re-evaluated. Though I don't really buy this, I can acknowledge how much I've grown (especially since college, thank god), grown enough to avoid getting myself caught in such situations again.

After all this time, I've finally realized that these memories are so painful to me because I've wanted nothing more than to find respect and to have friends. Having such painful denials of such an important thing, though it has been frustrating, I've learned from those experiences, and I wouldn't be where I am today without them. Furthermore, I've realized that since these particular memories are linked to my social awkardness, and I've been growing since then, I don't think anything nearly as bad will intercept with my brain again, at least I hope not!

I really need to change the way I look at these things - see it as motivational instead of debilitating. Realizing all of this has been a big deal for me, and I thought I'd share it with you. Does it make sense? Sound too crazy to make sense? What do you think?

Any input would be highly appreciated, thanks!

hi

i symphatize with what happened to you...

but im curious... are you really happy with that work? what i mean is working in a clothing store needs a lot of talking to prospective buyers.. doesn't it stressed you out?

do you feel that remaining in that job means they are respecting you? and lossing the job means lossing their respect? do you have friends in that store?

what makes you busy right now?

did you look for another job after that?

I decided to take a break from working in retail for a while after realizing this. My job was just doing sales, basically all the grunt work on the floor (I was in high school, that's what you get) - changing rooms, putting clothes away... I did talk to customers on the phone, but that conversation was restricted to "what item? department? size?"

This wasn't the difficult part, the hard part was interacting with employees that I didn't fit in with. I became friends with two people but one of them quit and I lost touch with the other one. The rest of them seemed to regard me in a condescending manner - speaking to me like I was a child, for example...

I am currently working as a counselor at a day camp. Even though it's pretty stressful, I'm good with kids, and the other counselors are awesome, so it's really fun. I also went to the camp as a kid, so the director knows me well, and I used my artistic abilities as a selling point (it's a creative arts camp and they needed someone to lead art projects). The kids also don't notice my social awkardness since I know very well how to communicate at their level, and the other counselors seem oblivious to it because we're all so busy. After learning how to socialize better, which I learned through trial and error, I've been able to prevent myself from making as many mistakes. As far as I know, some of the other employees may consider me a little strange and quiet, but not in an off-putting way - I'm so fortunate that this has worked out!

I don't know if I'm going to be back next summer, because my prospective career requires some kind of internship. I'm happy that this job has prepared me well, so I feel like I could handle it. I was also thinking of getting a part-time job at another retail store once I get back to school in the fall, for a little extra money, but I'm going to pick a smaller store, because one of the main things that stressed me out about the other store was its vast size - maybe a boutique or something, if I'm lucky. I really hope I don't screw this one up!

i would check out emdr. its a super effecient way of resolving tramatic memeoris and experiences.

I totally sympathise with pinkbowtiepumps. I hope all goes well for you.

princess, thank you! I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. Personally, how have you learned to deal with it?

I also wish the best of luck to you!