im scared to post this in case you all avoid me from now on.

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monkees4va
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05 Sep 2008, 4:51 pm

erm...

(stammers)

I think I need help. Not professionally, I've been to too many professionals, but i'm too bloody shy to tell them face to face. writing it down is easier for me.

I really don't want to sound as if im pining for attention, but I think its time I tried to get some help. I have so many bloody issues im a wreck, I stay awake at night and cry sometimes because its all to much for me...
I have considered suicide in the past, I self harm, I cry all the time in secret, but i'm too scared to share it with anybody. I see a face and I clam up and put on my happy face. I want to talk to my parents but I haven spoken to my dad in 3 years because he is a violent alcholic, and my mum has her own issues. I put her in hospital because I was too damn selfish to care about her. The hospital staff actually told her to put me in care. She told me to my face.
I know she loves me, but she has aspies herself and hates touch and showing affection, but I crave it. To get attention I hung around with a group which got me in more trouble than I had ever been in my life. Because of them i've learned to become a compulsive lier and can't seem to help it, I hate what I've become. Only on text am I truly honest.
I'm a teenager and a smoker, I drink when its offered to me and have experimented with drugs, although I utterly refused to take the 'hard' ones.I suppose because I was so desperate for friends I folowed them all.
Now I know you all know more about me, and its probibly changed your opinion about me. thought I'd be honest. This isn't the half of it, but i'm running out of time to say much more.
what do I do? :cry:


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philosopherBoi
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05 Sep 2008, 4:57 pm

Its ok, :mrgreen: just take one step at a time. Accepting that something is wrong, and showing a desire to fix things is the biggest step and you have already made it. Remember you have the keys to fix anything in your life, therapist can help you realize how to use the keys but you are the one who has to use the.

If you ever need to talk, scream, etc. let me know k, I am more than willing to help you in any way I can.


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ghouna
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05 Sep 2008, 5:00 pm

I am not going to think bad of you!

((((HUGS))))

I did about the same things as you. At the end i ran away from that life, and moved when i was 19 in the uk (i am french)
I wanted to start a new life. I've got a better life now.

Do not feel guilty about your mum. I dont think you are selfish. Because if she didnt need to stay to hospital, she wouldn t be able to stay there.


I think first of all you need to get rid of your "friends". They are bad for you, and it can be dangerous.

Write on this forum, tell us what you can tell. Release what is inside you. Do not harm yourself, because believe me, it wont help you.

I dont know how old you are, but you are still young, You can make a good friend aroudn where you live.
I've got a best friend now, but i dont tell her everything, because i am not good at telling people i know how i feel.


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monkees4va
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05 Sep 2008, 5:17 pm

well, where do I begin?
I'm quite cheeky usually :lol:
my mum and I have lived through 3 abusive relationships, one with my father who squandered all the money on drink
one with my little brothers dad who was a heavy drug addict (I grew up smelling cannabis and others that i'm not sure off) and was a mental torturer, he used to lock my mum, me and my little brother when he was just a baby outside in the middle of the night, at one occaision in a storm.
and one which date raped my mum for 6 years until he was finally caught and charged on *52* sex offences, including me.
I can't remember that though.
God :lol: I sound so depressed

we finally escaped all the abusive relationships and are leaving peacefully, but then i got involved with that crowd and well... you know most of that...
My little brother is severely autistic, he is 8 and has the working mind of a person half his age.
my mum and I are more lucky, we both are relativly low in the scale, we learned to act like everyone else before we knew it.
My mums on 'happy tabs' as she calls it, and has finally got herself a man which treats her right and also steps in a lot to take the stress of my mum. I suppose I resent him a little though, and if they ever have a huge row I cower underneath my covers, as it brings flashbacks from my past experiences.
I have trusting issues, but bury them in the hope of finding someone who is worth the trust.
I write long depressing seminars about myself on wrongplanet.net XD

thanks for all the support so far, and hugs back!



FieryGatoh
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05 Sep 2008, 7:20 pm

I know its been said before, but just take it one step at a time. By admitting there is a problem, you are opening up the path to recovery.

Don't hurt yourself. That sort of thing won't help anyone. I don't know if your anything like me, but sometimes I have a desire to hurt myself to drive away the mental pain. -shrugs- And as for crying, sometimes it feels like the only thing you can do.

I'm younger than you I know (I'm younger than everyone annoyingly) so you'll proberly resent me for saying this but just know that you don't have to be afraid to post stuff here. We aren't going to judge you, and the truth is that there are many people who have gone through the same problems as you that will want to help you. So hang in there



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05 Sep 2008, 7:33 pm

It's alright, this is a support site after all. :)

Life is hard, whether you're an NT or an aspie. It can be easy to get in with people that aren't in your best interests especially when they at first show no signs of being the way they are. I've been there myself. I spent years trying to fit in with those that I once thought were "cool" only to find out what kind of stuff they really do. Before I knew it, I has smoking pot with them.

You're at a difficult time in your life and your situation isn't helping much either. If you can at all, try to talk to a professional. I know it may sound intimidating but you're won't be the only person that talks to someone, and they are not there to chastise you. I know it's been said a couple of times here already but you have already taken the first step. :)


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treeheart
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06 Sep 2008, 8:50 pm

dont give up girl....

i wish i could give you a giant hug....

:heart:
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Gainer
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07 Sep 2008, 3:00 pm

I don't know when these hug things areappropriate, but I hope you accept one from this side



tinky
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08 Sep 2008, 10:15 pm

if i could hug you then i would.
why would we reject you? we're all wierd here and i guess the crazier the better on this site :)
what you have is a condition commonly known as being human. in this condition you capable of mistakes, mayhaps have a need to please others and be loved.
take life one step at a time and remember to breath. stop doing whatever it is that you hate and start a new path.
(forgive me if that was too cheesy :))

don't be afraid to post here! :D


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Tim_Tex
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08 Sep 2008, 10:33 pm

You did the right thing in posting. We're all here to support you.


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Triangular_Trees
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09 Sep 2008, 1:37 am

Did you speak to her doctor about what she said? There are some forms of dementia that would result in her acting/speaking like that. Its the brain disease, not her talking


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Nairin
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09 Sep 2008, 2:28 pm

I don't think badly of you at all. *hug*

Just try to fix the small things first. As you're doing that, you'll figure out how to fix the bigger problems.

Don't ever be afraid to admit a problem. You're just denying help, and that's a big problem. But you're getting help now - you've started overcoming, see?

*hug* I wish I could help more... if I can do anything to help, just tell me.


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monkees4va
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17 Sep 2008, 5:03 pm

thanks for the nice comments everyone. It helps. ^^
I havent touched marijuana in a month, my mum and me are visiting family counsiling and im doing a little better in school. I fell out with those 'friends' but then they start to chuck bricks at our window. fun...



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17 Sep 2008, 7:40 pm

I still think very highly of you.


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Ikari_Gendo
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18 Sep 2008, 12:20 am

Dear Monkees4va.

I am pleased to hear that you are making progress. To get from where you are to where you want to be will require a great deal of effort on your part. I will not lie to you about that.

But you are young and have time on your side.

Let me first say that I have a long history of depression and suffering emotion abuse, and have been through enough therapy that I picked up Jungian psychoanalysis by osmosis. Yes, I do use big words. Quite a lot of them actually. But enough about me, this is about you.

You have friends and support here. Do not hesitate to call on us for help, and we will do all we can.

As for what you can do for yourself, start by finding something you really like about yourself. It doesn't matter if it's your sense of humor or sense of fashion or that you can do long division in your head. Find something you like and write it down and carry that note with you. Any time you want to hurt yourself, look at that note and remind yourself that you aren't nearly as bad a person as your depression is telling you that you are.

Now I am not going to tell you to cheer up, because I know that that is just rubbing salt into the wounds, but I will tell you:

Good luck and stay strong. So go with the best wishes of



Your new friend,


Ikari Gendo