My father treats me like a teenager

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I'm 28 years old and I don't work. I guess I'll be going to college sometime this century but I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I'm currently living with my parents.

So my problem is that I feel that my father still treats me like a teenager. If I get angry and express my anger through arguing/yelling at the person I'm angry at or even acting a little childishly, he gets mad at me, yells, and tries to lecture me on my poor behavior. But if he or my mother do the same thing it's somehow alright. Sometimes they tend to act more childish or psycho when they're angry than I do. I'm well aware of my behavior and my hot temper but everyone has the right to get mad and act childishly every once in awhile. What I don't understand is this double standard. Why is it ok for them to act the same way I do when I'm angry but it's not ok for me to act that way?

Today I got mad at my mother and did something that might have been childish but I don't think it really was. My father told me to behave myself which only infuriated me because he said it in such a way that made me feel like he was talking down to me. I told him he has no right to talk to me like that. I'm an adult now, not a 14 year old kid. That made him mad but for the first time in my life I managed to avoid getting yelled at by saying I needed to use the bathroom and staying in there for 40 minutes until he forgot.

I guess what I want to know is if my father has the right to try to lecture me when I get angry and act childishly? I'm an adult so I don't think he has that right, but I still live with him. But him and my mother act childishly when they get angry and they think that's ok. Any thoughts on this?

I have to add that my behavior has improved over the years. I don't think it can get any better than it is right now. I also think my behavior is fairly normal. Considering that I have a hot temper I think my behavior is darn good. And if I were with other relatives or with strangers or co-workers, my behavior would be better - more controlled. I tend to reserve my childish behavior for at home.

Their house, their rules.

And as they're paying to support you while you don't work or go to school, it makes sense that they'd treat you like a teenager.

You need to get some independence. Why aren't you going to school? many freshman in college and even sophomores don't know what they want to study. And even if they do, there is nothing that says you can't change your major halfway through. Quite a few people enroll as an undecided major just so they can have the experience of general electives to steer them in the direction they would most enjoy

What is preventing you from working. Its a bit odd someone your age would not be working in this situation and contributing to the household without reason - is there a disability that prevents you from doing even menial jobs?

If you are going to choose to live like a teenager - in parents house, no job, not attempting school, then you need to understand that you will be treated as a teenager.

Last edited by Triangular_Trees on 08 Oct 2008, 4:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I live 200 miles away, and they still treat me like I'm still 15 years old.

Well, seems to be that at the moment you are a dependent to them, and they are treating you as such. I agree with the their house/their rules statement and as they are the contributing party to the financial burdens they are still in authority over you.

If there is no medically sound reason why you don't contribute financially, then you might need to re-evaluate your situation and accept where you are and their attitudes OR make other living arrangements.

If you have problems managing money, try talking to them and see if they can help you establish a budget and offer suggestions and possibly come up with some sort of schedule to get you on your own feet. If they see you trying to become more independent in this way their attitude MIGHT be more helpful to you and of you.

I know what you mean, I can't stand their lectures either, and they still think they are higher beings than me. Lately they have finally stopped being so disrespectful.. Perhaps it got through their thick skulls that acting like that doesn't go anywhere with me? Maybe you have to lecture them more about yourself, how you function better under calm voices and more adult talks etc. You need to let them know directly, that you don't like being mocked, made fun of in front of the neighbors, yelled at, you have a sense of privacy although they don't seem to, and deserve respect just as much as they do (even if they don't) say it anyway. Yes they may help you out by giving you a place to stay and thats great, but there is more to loving your son than supplying him with a roof and food. Those are minimal things that they have been doing for your entire life anyway (unless they have kicked you out before trust me it sucks) so try not to get the arguement too heated. Also try to supress your anger and replace it with sadness, and they will respond better. I know you are probably very angry at them but only show it a little. They are like animals, when you get angry they feel challenged so they try to strike back with disrespect. They need to understand that if they want a good relationship with you, they have to be more gentle and understanding of your viewpoints because you are much more sensitive than most people, otherwise it just causes problems that could be avoided if they just stopped screaming for once. This is part of the kind of support all asperger children should recieve from their parents, and if they don't then they are bad parents, it's that simple. They NEED to be more gentle and kinder with their words, usually they are the only ones to go to when your having problems etc, and if they are nasty people than you have no one which is horrible.. So just do what you can and hopefully things will improve.

<I'm 28 years old and I don't work. I guess I'll be going to college sometime this century but I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I'm currently living with my parents.>

Why aren't you going to college right now? You need to get your stuff together or you are going to a forty-something year old that still lives with his parents with no real education. As far as employment is concerned, I work at Safeway, which is not exactly I would call a career, but it is better than being unemployed

<So my problem is that I feel that my father still treats me like a teenager. If I get angry and express my anger through arguing/yelling at the person I'm angry at or even acting a little childishly, he gets mad at me, yells, and tries to lecture me on my poor behavior. But if he or my mother do the same thing it's somehow alright. Sometimes they tend to act more childish or psycho when they're angry than I do. I'm well aware of my behavior and my hot temper but everyone has the right to get mad and act childishly every once in awhile. What I don't understand is this double standard. Why is it ok for them to act the same way I do when I'm angry but it's not ok for me to act that way? >

I have been asking the same question for myself as well. I think that if NT act that way, they can just get away with the behavior as another faux pas. When we Aspies act that way, we are treated as if we are child-like beings or that's what the NTs expect of us I guess. I am also very aware of my behavior. My mother can be so overbearing when it comes to socializing with people that are non-disabled as she would assume that they are just using me or expoliting me because of my disability. My mother is the same exact way as she would yell at me over the dumbest things that people would just ignore. To answer your post, I don't know.

<Today I got mad at my mother and did something that might have been childish but I don't think it really was. My father told me to behave myself which only infuriated me because he said it in such a way that made me feel like he was talking down to me. I told him he has no right to talk to me like that. I'm an adult now, not a 14 year old kid. That made him mad but for the first time in my life I managed to avoid getting yelled at by saying I needed to use the bathroom and staying in there for 40 minutes until he forgot.>

We (all people) all do childish things and yet aspies like ourselves get shafted for it. I have a very understanding relationship with my father, but my mother can be such a tyrant most of the time. I love them both equally as they give me life and without them I would not even exist. The only times my father would get angry with me is when I do something really stupid or harsh. My mother would just get angry at me over the dumbest things like not putting away dishes or coming home at a certain time.
I usually have sudden outbursts when I usually get told to shut up when I do not deserve to be told like "F&6k you" or "You shut up".

<I guess what I want to know is if my father has the right to try to lecture me when I get angry and act childishly? I'm an adult so I don't think he has that right, but I still live with him. But him and my mother act childishly when they get angry and they think that's ok. Any thoughts on this? >

It does seem ridcious to lectured on your behavior at the age of 28, but it is their rules and you have to live by them until you are ready to move out. You just need to handle your own business so you can prove to your mom and dad that you are a "real" adult, not a man-child.

<I have to add that my behavior has improved over the years. I don't think it can get any better than it is right now. I also think my behavior is fairly normal. Considering that I have a hot temper I think my behavior is darn good. And if I were with other relatives or with strangers or co-workers, my behavior would be better - more controlled. I tend to reserve my childish behavior for at home.>

Sometimes childish behavior just happens at the wrong moment, but the thing about is though at the time of that situation we thought we have everything under control yet we tend to have sudden outbursts. I did not even know I had Asperger's Syndrome until I was eighteen years old because even I thought I was a little slow and a stroke on top of that as a three month old.
As far as my behavior goes, I say it is mild-mannered and reasonable. It is a good thing you do that at home, just imagine if you did that same behavior at a public place, your mom and dad would bar you from public view. I usually reserve my behavior at home as well.

well... uhhhh...

it's their house. they can do what they want. :\

and uh, if his wife gets angry and throws a tantrum... whats he gonna do? tell her to stop? he can't control her. on the other hand, he can control his son. i mean, he gives you a place to live.

If you act like a child, they treat you like one.

About your parents acting the same way you do but not liking you do it, hypocrisy.

This is why they treat you like a teen, you are living in their house and having them responsible for you, did you consider that you are expecting to be treated like a teen?

If you want to be treated like an adult, then you need to take responsibility for yourself, as an adult would, until you do, expect the lectures on your life and behaviour, and quite simply if you do not like it then move out and live your own life. If I still had my 28 year old son living in my house, not contributing anything towards the running of the house or even making an effort to make some headway with his life and make some independent choices, I would be getting pretty irritated tbh. There is a time when everyone needs to stand on their own two feet. If you are not able to live completely independently then at least moving towards that rather than staying static and doing nothing, would no doubt change their attitude. Or looking at some supported living situations if you are unable to care for yourself.

As for how your parents act.. How they act in their own home as independent adults is up to them. They are people too, not just your parents.At 28 although they are still your parents, surely at 28 you can see they are not infallible and should be allowed to have some privacy.