Give us your funny JOKES!! !

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Any jokes you have? you are free to share so everyone will have their days happy!! ! I'll start.

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

LOL

A man, lost in Ireland late one night, sees a light at her top of a hill. He follows a fence to the top and find an empty pub. He walks up to the bar and order a Guinness.

"Say, what did you think of that fence out there," the bartender asks.

"It's a nice fence," the man replies. "I followed it up the hill."

"I built that fence meself! But did anybody call me Jones the fence builder? Nahhh!"

The man takes a few sips on his beer before the bartender spoke again.

"Say, what do you think of this bar?"

"It's a fine bar," the man replies. "Well made!"

"I built this bar meself! But did anyone ever call me Jones the bar maker? Nahhh!"

The man continues to drink his Guinness. A few minutes later, the bartender engages him in conversation again.

"Say, what did you think of that Guinness I pulled for you?"

"It's a well-pulled Guinness," the man replies.

"I pulled that Guinness meself. But did anyone ever call me Jones the Guinness puller? Nahhhh! But you f**k one goat!"

THATS A GOOD ONE! HAHA

I have heard this one from a Buddhist monk.

What is the difference between a diplomat and a lady? ...

When a diplomat says "yes", he means "maybe".
When he says "maybe", he means "no".
When he says "no", well, then he is not a diplomat. As a diplomat, you cannot upset people because that is bad for negotiations and relationships.

When a lady says "no", she means "maybe".
When she says "maybe", she means "yes".
When she says "yes", well, then she is not a lady.

Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."

Son: "Dad, there is someone at the door to collect donations
for a community swimming pool."
Father: "Okay, give him a glass of water."

A man is worried that his wife has become hard of hearing so he asks his doctor for advice. The doc tells him to ask the wife a question while about 20 feet away. If she doesn't respond, try again while 10 feet away, and if she still doesn't respond try again while 5 feet away. So that evening while she's making supper he calls from the bedroom "Honey, what are we having for supper?" She doesn't answer so he walks into the living room and asks again. She still doesn't answer so he walks into the kitchen and asks again.

Annoyed, she replies, "For the third time, we're having chicken!"