Stupid/Funny Jokes/Conversations/Situations

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Deus_ex_machina
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21 Jun 2006, 7:15 am

Here is some funny/stupid things, and if you want post your own!

A rabbi once asked his old friend, the priest, "Could you ever be promoted?"
The priest says, thoughtfully, "Well, I could become a bishop."
The rabbi persists, "And then?"
With a pause for consideration, the priest replies, "Maybe I could be a cardinal, even."
"And then?"
After thinking for some time, the priest responds, "I may, someday, rise to be the Pope."
But the rabbi is still not satisfied. "And then?"
With an air of incredulity, the priest cries, "What more could I become? Jesus Christ Himself?"
The rabbi said, quietly, "One of our boys made it."

"ahhh you know that i don't know but did you know that i knew that you already knew, knowing that in my infinite wisdom that you would indeed question my intent but not questiong your question?"

"but you did question my question"

"i did not question your question in the questionable context that you were questioning my question, only that you would question my questioning and therefore question the validity of the question, therefore making the questioning of said question moot in the eyes of the questionee and the questioner"

So a Politician, a Bussiness man and a Philosopher were walking down the street and they were talking and having a great time heading for their favourite place when the Bussiness man reveals that his company recently went bankrupt so the other guys say they'll do whatever they can, when suddenly a big thug tells them to stop what they're doing or he'll kill them, right then an elephant falls out of the sky and chrushes them all.

Might think of more later... :twisted:


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wobbegong
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21 Jun 2006, 9:00 am

Quote:
The Lesser of Two Weevils

Two weevils crept from the crumbs. 'You see those weevils, Stephen?' said Jack solemnly.

'I do.'

'Which would you choose?'

'There is not a scrap of difference. Arcades ambo. They are the same species of curculio, and there is nothing to choose between them.'

'But suppose you had to choose?'

'Then I should choose the right-hand weevil; it has a perceptible advantage in both length and breadth.'

'There I have you, ' cried Jack. 'You are bit -- you are completely dished. Don't you know that in the Navy you must always choose the lesser of two weevils? Oh ha, ha, ha, ha!'


From Patrick O'Brian, The Fortune of War. (and possibly the movie Master and Commander)



Deus_ex_machina
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21 Jun 2006, 9:13 pm

Haha nice, Why did the two chickens cross the road?

Because there was a butcher with a hatchet after them.

What's worse than seeing a corpse in your backyard?

Putting it there.

What's funnier than a dead baby?

A dead baby in a clown costume!

What is the sharpest thing in the world?

A Fart. It goes through your pants and doesn't even leave a hole.

Yo momma’s so fat she was in the middle of the highway I tried to swerve but ran out of gas.


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"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat." - Terry Bisson


MMM
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21 Jun 2006, 9:51 pm

Ok - Deus_ex_machina - I know you've heard this one - but honestly it's the only one I know.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He was dead.



I'll go look some up on the net & do better next time!! !!



Barracuda
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21 Jun 2006, 10:16 pm

Stupidest joke ever: What do you call a diamond in water? wet.
/ducks
Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
A priest, a rabbi, and a pastor walk into a bar. The bartender says "what is this, some kind of joke?"
(now for one that is actually funny)
I pirate walks into a bar, and he has a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. someone asks, "isn't that bothering you?" the pirate replies, "Yarrr, it be drivein' me nuts!"

Jesus, Moses, and a old man are playing golf. Moses hits the ball into a water trap. He parts the waters and grabs the golf ball. Jesus hits the ball into a water trap, walks on the water, and grabs the ball. The old man hits the ball into the water trap. It is eaten by a frog, which is then eaten by a heron. The heron flies over the hole, and inexpicably dies. It spits out the frog, which spits out the golf ball, which rolls into the hole. Moses says to Jesus, "I hate it when we play with your father."



werbert
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22 Jun 2006, 12:22 am

What do you call a deer that can't see?

No eye deer.

What do you call a deer that can't see and has no legs?

Still no eye deer.

What do you call a deer that can't see, and has no legs or sexual organs?

Still no f***ing eye deer.



lae
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22 Jun 2006, 12:40 am

Rene Descartes goes to a sidewalk cafe. He orders coffee. Soon the waiter asks if he'd like a refill. Descartes replies, "I think not." And promptly disappears.



Barracuda
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22 Jun 2006, 5:35 pm

A bunch of people are telling holocaust jokes. I guy walkes up and says, "Hey, that isn't cool. My grandfather died in the holocaust."
*Akward silence*
"How did he die?" someone asked.
"He fell off the guard tower."

I'm sorry if anyone finds that offensive. Very, truely sorry.



Deus_ex_machina
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23 Jun 2006, 8:21 am

MMM wrote:
Ok - Deus_ex_machina - I know you've heard this one - but honestly it's the only one I know.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He was dead.



I'll go look some up on the net & do better next time!! !!


Haha, yeah but at least everyone else got subjected to it (I mean had the pleasure of hearing it :P ) like I did right? :wink:


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"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat." - Terry Bisson


Deus_ex_machina
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23 Jun 2006, 8:24 am

Barracuda wrote:
Stupidest joke ever: What do you call a diamond in water? wet.
/ducks
Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
A priest, a rabbi, and a pastor walk into a bar. The bartender says "what is this, some kind of joke?"
(now for one that is actually funny)
I pirate walks into a bar, and he has a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. someone asks, "isn't that bothering you?" the pirate replies, "Yarrr, it be drivein' me nuts!"

Jesus, Moses, and a old man are playing golf. Moses hits the ball into a water trap. He parts the waters and grabs the golf ball. Jesus hits the ball into a water trap, walks on the water, and grabs the ball. The old man hits the ball into the water trap. It is eaten by a frog, which is then eaten by a heron. The heron flies over the hole, and inexpicably dies. It spits out the frog, which spits out the golf ball, which rolls into the hole. Moses says to Jesus, "I hate it when we play with your father."


Hehe, it's always good to have an abundant mix of sh** and good material. :twisted:


_________________
"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat." - Terry Bisson


Deus_ex_machina
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23 Jun 2006, 8:33 am

werbert wrote:
What do you call a deer that can't see?

No eye deer.

What do you call a deer that can't see and has no legs?

Still no eye deer.

What do you call a deer that can't see, and has no legs or sexual organs?

Still no f***ing eye deer.


I need to stop replying to so many posts, I don't have time for this. 8O


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"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat." - Terry Bisson


Deus_ex_machina
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23 Jun 2006, 8:35 am

lae wrote:
Rene Descartes goes to a sidewalk cafe. He orders coffee. Soon the waiter asks if he'd like a refill. Descartes replies, "I think not." And promptly disappears.


Old, ok so it might not be but you can't blame a guy for wanting to look like he's "In the know" right? Ok maybe you can.


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"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat." - Terry Bisson


Deus_ex_machina
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23 Jun 2006, 8:39 am

Barracuda wrote:
A bunch of people are telling holocaust jokes. I guy walkes up and says, "Hey, that isn't cool. My grandfather died in the holocaust."
*Akward silence*
"How did he die?" someone asked.
"He fell off the guard tower."

I'm sorry if anyone finds that offensive. Very, truely sorry.


Eh, you can't make everyone happy. :ninja:


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"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat." - Terry Bisson


CockneyRebel
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03 Jul 2006, 3:51 pm

A Green Bus was just rolling in, from London's East End. He rolled up to the Red Bus and whistled at her. Than he said to her, "You 'ave a Sexy Pole!"



Barracuda
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04 Jul 2006, 10:25 pm

MMM wrote:
Ok - Deus_ex_machina - I know you've heard this one - but honestly it's the only one I know.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He was dead.



I'll go look some up on the net & do better next time!! !!
You won't learn much on the net. Examples:
What's browm and sticky? a stick!

What's green and sticky? A stick painted green!

... There was one more I forgot.



bizarre
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05 Jul 2006, 6:34 am

AL QAEDA SPIES:

Two Al Qaeda Spies meet in America.

They meet in a busy restaurant after they had
successfully slipped into the U.S.

The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The second
spy shushes him quickly and whispers:

"Don't blow our cover. You're in America now. Speak
Spanish."


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