What's on your mind right now?

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What's on my mind right now?
Things I'd like to be doing but my defective body says, "Nope. Nope. Nope."

Apparently now I’m not allowed to note that something hurts or is at all unusual unless it’s alarming I only mentioned the red streaks that showed up under my thumbnail (along with pain) because I have no clue how nail infections work and didn’t know if that might mean I’m getting one and might need antibiotics or something, I don’t think telling me to keep things to myself was called for. Maybe I should start noting every single time something is the slightest bit out of the ordinary to show that no, I’m really not doing that at all right now.

I strongly suspect, based on many similar incidents to this, that something about me is inherently annoying, so that any time I speak is an annoyance. Maybe I need to try to change my voice somehow or something, is that it? It happens right up front, too. Something certainly seems to scream to everyone right off the bat that I make big deals of little things, because even the first time I’d talk to a nurse at the student health center in college, they’d act like they thought I was exaggerating or just making up a problem.

My mom is very vocal about her dislike of the movie Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, because of how everyone treats Rudolph. I, on the other hand, can really relate to Rudolph. Clearly one of us is a misfit and the other isn’t.

Trying to decide if I should get nice slippers while they're still on sale.... It's a splurge, but our floors are so cold and I can feel them even with my thickest socks.

I did it, I splurged .

BOOBS!

... Would do it again.

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I just stopped watching 3 educational videos in a row because they were playing mind-tricking electronic music in the background to make it seem interesting. Also, the introductions were awfully tedious when I was curious about the title's feature.

[maximum sarcasm]

I'm so glad that my employer doesn't provide long or short term disability coverage .

Having to switch to worse healthcare coverage for more money per month is super great. So glad our health insurance is tied to our employer. I'm certainly not stressed at all.

[/maximum sarcasm]

^ that really sucks. sorry to hear it. I know first hand how important short term insurance is.

Cannot sleep.
Again.

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I'm pretty sure I'm repeating myself at the this point as I have said it before, but attending (online) college in these circumstances is just not for me. Now I know that I am not alone in this and we're in this unfortunate situation together. I wish that we could just pause the world, take a break from it all and let the whole thing fly over, but that's simply not possible as the world has to keep spinning for some reason.

Regardless, I personally have trouble working with these conditions on my college work. I'm paying tuition to have online video chats with tutors twice a week and everything at college itself is limited right now; The rental, working at stations, scheduling classes. I have barely been to college and working from home just made me super lazy. I am seriously considering taking a gap year after my resit.

I actually had been considering that before, but for some reason I was always worried what the people close to me would think when I would do that, I was worried about coming off as "weak" for some reason. Even though I am completely aware that I can be weak and quit if necessary. Besides my best friend, parents, and my counselor from theatre school, I haven't really been fragile to anyone as I find it difficult to develop close intimate connections with others.

But I have finally gotten to a point in my life where I am finally starting to focus on myself more and worry less what others will think of me.

I'm not sure what I would be doing during my gap year, though. I would look for work and also consider moving to Berlin or something like that, but traveling right now is a bad idea.

Bunions.

Another time home alone.

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