What's on your mind right now?

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I need to finish a paper that is due the day after Halloween.

Taking some of the steps to reduce my workload. I’ve worked with some people/families for 20 years or more. Not easy to try to ease my way out in a manner that will produce the least amount of harm.

One of my coworkers got pissed off at the quota machine not letting us log in, because it's been broken for months, and she punched the screen. I was trying really hard not to laugh and my other coworkers didn't even try not to. lmao

The coming craft sale that will be 8 days before Christmas.

Dang dudes it's been awhile. Was driving this morning and remembered I haven't posted here in so long.

I got B12 and folate supplements to see if maybe, possibly, they make me not feel like s**t. Taking iron supplements has helped a little bit, but I'm still desperate to not feel exhausted and out of breath from doing the most minor things. It's affecting my performance at work, and with my back limiting it more it's getting really bad. My manager doesn't seem to care, but I'm aware that if someone from corporate comes and they see it I might get in trouble.

Hoping to make it into 2023 with little amount of health issues.

Those inspection notices come at the worst possible times. I've cleaned out my fridge for the most part. Now I have dishes to do and I'm going to boil all the eggs that I have in my fridge. I'll wipe down the inside of my fridge and in the cans of pop while the eggs are boiling. Than I'll gather the egg cartons, and other things that need to be recycled.

The backs of my knees and legs hurt.

I have a Smashing Pumpkins song stuck in my head

When I was a kid I used to use the time when I got into bed to go over...scenarios...in my head. How to deal with people. Imagining conversations. Figuring out what went wrong. I do the same thing as an adult, but I do it while listening to music at my computer, and it makes me tired and wastes a lot of time. I'm trying to do it in bed again, so at least if I fall asleep I get something out of it. I'm having some success. Not feeling the necessity of...dwelling...while sitting at my desk.

My Sped teacher thought I was trying to my cure autism.

It's not. I just want to work around my stupid sensitivities -- from my allergies to managing female hormones.
Autism or not, I have symptoms that autism alone cannot explain.

What I want really to cure is executive dysfunction.
And since my stupid sensitivities likely causes executive dysfunction, along with sleep issues at a core of it -- why not figure what to avoid and what not to do? Why not fix my sleep quality?

Why not address whatever health issues I have regardless whether it's related to autism or not?

Heck, I didn't knew that one source of my chronic headache until my overbite teeth was pulled out.

Second I knew was chronic rhinitis and messing up my hearing for obvious reasons.
The third is just stress and overwhelm which I've yet to figure it out, the fourth is likely hormones which I've yet to discuss how to solve it in long term.

Why not address all of these? Without autism overshadowing it?


Sure, factor autism -- my poor acknowledging of whatever symptoms and pain tolerance, not communicating/not complaining enough, part of being internally sensitive, and not coping and functioning well with whatever symptoms as if I'm NT.

But what about being a female? How about my family history? Being a female and having diabetics on my dad's side may add gut issues.
My chronic rhinitis is from my mother's side. Both unfortunately inherited likely regardless of being an NT or not.

Why ignore that in favor of my diagnosis? Why blame all my sensitivities in autism?

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There is someone in my life who intentionally demeaned me to feel better about themselves, or something. And I have reason to believe they keep doing this to people. And for some reason I want them to have a happy, normal life...but stop demeaning people.

So, some other motivation occurred to me that would explain the behavior, or at least some of it, that would make it not so mean, but that motivation creates other problems for both of us. And I had a really complex and realistic dream where that motivation provided a reason for some people to do the things they did in the dream. It was interesting fiction, but involved this uncomfortable motivation.

So I tried to come up with some other motivation that would leave the person happy and not causing trouble for anyone, and maybe even make the dream still make sense, and I'm coming up empty.

As much as my brain wants this to be not what it looks like, it appears to be what it looks like. For myself I don't really care. I'm over it. But for them, it means they probably won't ever be happy. I wish things were better for them. I wish I knew how to help them, but they won't let me in their life even a little bit, so it's not like I can do anything, right?