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Matrix Glitch
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26 May 2022, 2:10 am

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run into the house and tell my wife about it. But then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.



Jakki
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27 May 2022, 5:34 am

^^^^^^ Good One ^^^^^^


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naturalplastic
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27 May 2022, 1:50 pm

lostonearth35 wrote:
A doctor says to a patient, "You are a very sick man. You have Covid 19, Ebola, HIV, swine flu, bird flu, diphtheria, whooping cough, small pox and monkey pox!"
The patient asks, "Is there anything you can do?"
"Actually there is" the doc tells him. "First we'll put you in a special private room that will have everything you will need to be as comfortable as possible. Then, you'll be put on a diet of pancakes and flounder."
"Okay..." says the patient, "But why pancakes and flounder?"
"Because", the doc says, "Those are the only things we can slide under the door."


:lol: I actually lol'd



lostonearth35
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17 Jun 2022, 12:38 pm

Someone once asked what's the worst thing to say when someone says "I love you", and I said, "That's just the Stockholm Syndrome talking, sweetie". :twisted:



Matrix Glitch
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18 Jun 2022, 4:40 am

I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane.



Redpaws
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18 Jun 2022, 6:46 pm

I woke up in the hospital this morning, and asked the Doctor, "what happened?"
"Well" he said, "you were in a coma for three years. Men are now competing in women's sport, we've spent the last two years battling a mutant bat virus, inflation is running at 7% and we're on the brink of World War 3"
"s**t" I said, "what date is it?"
"April 1" he replied
"Hahahaha, you had me there for a second!"


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- Fredrik Solvang


Redpaws
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18 Jun 2022, 6:46 pm

The wife's going shopping this afternoon and I'm going to watch The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.
Or as she calls them "our three beautiful children."


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"Hver eneste gang vi snakker eller uttrykker oss nedsettende om andre mennesker for egenskaper eller attributter de ikke kan råde over, om det er hudfarge, etnisitet, en funksjonsnedsettelse, eller hva som helst – blir vi bitte litt mindre. Det er jo dette det hele handler om, å tåle det som er annerledes fra oss selv og som ikke er selvvalgt."
- Fredrik Solvang


Redpaws
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18 Jun 2022, 6:49 pm

I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I am 83 years old and I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order. So when I got to the first window
I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again,
Don't blow your horn at old people, they have been around a long time


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"Hver eneste gang vi snakker eller uttrykker oss nedsettende om andre mennesker for egenskaper eller attributter de ikke kan råde over, om det er hudfarge, etnisitet, en funksjonsnedsettelse, eller hva som helst – blir vi bitte litt mindre. Det er jo dette det hele handler om, å tåle det som er annerledes fra oss selv og som ikke er selvvalgt."
- Fredrik Solvang


Cornflake
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19 Jun 2022, 7:52 am

Image


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Jakki
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19 Jun 2022, 1:36 pm

Life is darkest ,,, just before the lights go out completely. :roll:


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AnonymousAnonymous
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22 Jun 2022, 6:48 pm

Oh gee wiz, Mr. Pumpkin, I see Williamsburg gave you
that prison number you were determined to get since 2016. :wink:

(Mr. Pumpkin= Donald Trump)


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Matrix Glitch
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23 Jun 2022, 11:42 am

Never break someone’s heart. They only have one.
Break their bones instead. They have 206 of them.



lostonearth35
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24 Jun 2022, 12:02 pm

^ And babies have even more bones than adults. :twisted:

Speaking of which, what's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage. :twisted:



lostonearth35
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26 Jun 2022, 11:24 am

If being cool was illegal, I'd be a criminal right now. 8)

Not because I'm cool, but because I just killed a bunch of babies.



lostonearth35
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29 Jun 2022, 11:50 am

Children are great, as long as they're properly washed before eating them.



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29 Jun 2022, 12:12 pm

Donate one kidney, and everybody calls you a hero.

Donate 17 kidneys, and everybody calls you a monster.