Make an extremely dark joke.

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I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run into the house and tell my wife about it. But then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

^^^^^^ Good One ^^^^^^

Someone once asked what's the worst thing to say when someone says "I love you", and I said, "That's just the Stockholm Syndrome talking, sweetie".

I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane.

I woke up in the hospital this morning, and asked the Doctor, "what happened?"
"Well" he said, "you were in a coma for three years. Men are now competing in women's sport, we've spent the last two years battling a mutant bat virus, inflation is running at 7% and we're on the brink of World War 3"
"s**t" I said, "what date is it?"
"April 1" he replied
"Hahahaha, you had me there for a second!"

The wife's going shopping this afternoon and I'm going to watch The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.
Or as she calls them "our three beautiful children."

I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I am 83 years old and I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order. So when I got to the first window
I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again,
Don't blow your horn at old people, they have been around a long time

Life is darkest ,,, just before the lights go out completely.

Oh gee wiz, Mr. Pumpkin, I see Williamsburg gave you
that prison number you were determined to get since 2016.

(Mr. Pumpkin= Donald Trump)

Never break someone’s heart. They only have one.
Break their bones instead. They have 206 of them.

^ And babies have even more bones than adults.

Speaking of which, what's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

If being cool was illegal, I'd be a criminal right now.

Not because I'm cool, but because I just killed a bunch of babies.

Children are great, as long as they're properly washed before eating them.

Donate one kidney, and everybody calls you a hero.