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lostonearth35
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12 May 2019, 10:04 am

My ex-boyfriend had a pet parrot. Stupid thing would never shut up. But the parrot was cool.



Mountain Goat
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14 May 2019, 6:53 pm

Going back into history a scientist wanted to know what happened to the sun at night, so he planned a little expedition to go up a local mountain. He found the answer. It dawned on him.


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Mountain Goat
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15 May 2019, 2:42 am

I am not sure what the term dark means in reference to a joke... So I will just add a joke anyway.

Did you hear about the guy who was caught trying to blow up a bus? They had to take him to hospital. He burnt his lips on the tail pipe.


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lostonearth35
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15 May 2019, 1:28 pm

^"Dark" means seeing the humorous side of things that are usually not considered funny - like death, life-threatening diseases, war, abuse, disasters or tragic accidents.

However, a joke can be about literal darkness and not be considered a dark joke:

"Are you a light sleeper?"
"No, I usually sleep in the dark."

:roll:



Mountain Goat
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15 May 2019, 1:49 pm

Thanks. I will have to think about that. I mean... To think if some of my jokes qualify.


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Fnord
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15 May 2019, 3:47 pm

Isn't it interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds?

In America, a dog goes "Woof!"

In the Czech Republic, a dog goes "Haf!"

In the Netherlands, a dog goes "Blaf!"

In China, a dog goes "Sizzle."


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Fnord
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15 May 2019, 3:49 pm

My ex-girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale, so I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.


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Fnord
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15 May 2019, 3:57 pm

"Mom, the kids are being mean to me. They keep teasing me that my feet are too big. Are they?"

"Of course not, sweetie. Now go park your shoes in the garage and get ready for supper.“


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Fnord
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15 May 2019, 3:59 pm

Mom said, "One man's trash is another man's treasure."

That's how I found out I was adopted.


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Mountain Goat
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15 May 2019, 4:25 pm

Fnord wrote:
Isn't it interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds?

In America, a dog goes "Woof!"

In the Czech Republic, a dog goes "Haf!"

In the Netherlands, a dog goes "Blaf!"

In China, a dog goes "Sizzle."


What an onomatopia!


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Fnord
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15 May 2019, 4:29 pm

I hate double standards, especially in our justice system.

I mean, if you burn bodies in a crematorium you're just "doing your job".

But if you do it at home, the judge says you’re "destroying evidence".

:roll:


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Fnord
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15 May 2019, 4:55 pm

Interviewer: "First question: [i]"503 bricks are on a plane in flight. 1 falls off. How many are left?"

Interviewee: "502."

Interviewer: "Good! Second question: [i]"How do you put an elephant in a fridge?"

Interviewee: "You can't fit an elephant in a fridge!"

Interviewer: "Just open the door, put the elephant in, and close the door."

Interviewer: "Third question: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?"

Interviewee: "Open the door, put the giraffe in, and close the door."

Interviewer: "No, you open the door, take elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door."

Interviewer: "Fourth question: The Lion King is having a party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?"

Interviewee: "Uhh ... let me guess ... the lion?"

Interviewer: "No! It's the giraffe!"

Interviewee: "Why?"

Interviewer: "Because he's in a fridge."

Interviewer: "Fifth question: Sally has to get across a large river that is home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How does she do it?"

Interviewee: "Umm ... Sally stepped on the alligators mouths?"

Interviewer: "Wrong answer. The gators are still at the party."

Interviewer: "Sixth question: Sally dies as soon as she steps out of the water. How does she die?"

Interviewee: "That's easy! She drowned!"

Interviewer: "No, non, no! She got hit in the head by a falling brick."


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Fnord
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15 May 2019, 5:02 pm

Q: What's worse than finding 3 murder victims in a dumpster?

A: Finding a murder victim in 3 dumpsters.


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lostonearth35
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16 May 2019, 10:39 am

Q: Why don't blind go people sky-diving?

A: It scares the poop out of their dogs.



dyadiccounterpoint
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16 May 2019, 11:41 am

What do you call "The Little Engine that Could" in Japan?


"The Little Engine that will or will receive great shame"

:D


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