Page 3 of 20 [ 292 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 ... 20  Next

Buc
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

Joined: 24 Dec 2017
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 320
Location: Los Angeles

18 Dec 2018, 6:14 pm

Bobby Riggs was 55.


_________________
I buy my cats couches to scratch.


SaveFerris
Forum Moderator
Forum Moderator

User avatar

Joined: 3 Sep 2016
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 12,541
Location: UK

18 Dec 2018, 6:27 pm

Skilpadde wrote:
....and remember.... there's always light at the end of the tunnel...
unless you're Princess Diana


This joke made me a little darker ^

Meghan Markle asked the Queen what the secret to long life was , she said 'Wear a seat belt and don't piss me off!'

St. Peter meets Mother Teresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says, "You were a good woman. I'm giving you a nice halo." Mother Teresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo. Mother Teresa goes back to St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, I spent most of my adult life helping the poor and the sickly. Princess Di did nowhere near the amount of charitable work I did. Why does she have a bigger halo?" St. Peter says, "That's not a halo. That's a steering wheel."

Prince Charles was out walking his dog a week after the death of his wife. When a passer-by said "Morning," Prince Charles said "No, just walking the dog."


_________________
R Tape loading error, 0:1

Hypocrisy is the greatest luxury. Raise the double standard


TW1ZTY
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Sep 2018
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,285
Location: Hanging out with my coca cola ladies

18 Dec 2018, 6:54 pm

Ever since Edward the VIII married an American woman everybody's gotta have one.


_________________
Break out the bubbly!


SaveFerris
Forum Moderator
Forum Moderator

User avatar

Joined: 3 Sep 2016
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 12,541
Location: UK

18 Dec 2018, 7:37 pm

Why didn’t Superman stop the planes from hitting the Trade Towers? Because he was a quadriplegic!

Whats the difference between a cow and 9/11? Americans cant milk a cow for 17 years.


_________________
R Tape loading error, 0:1

Hypocrisy is the greatest luxury. Raise the double standard


TW1ZTY
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Sep 2018
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,285
Location: Hanging out with my coca cola ladies

18 Dec 2018, 8:17 pm

Image

We warmed it up for you. It's the best seat in the house! :skull:


_________________
Break out the bubbly!


SaveFerris
Forum Moderator
Forum Moderator

User avatar

Joined: 3 Sep 2016
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 12,541
Location: UK

18 Dec 2018, 8:33 pm

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that an Aspie was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the Aspie that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the Aspie's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The Aspie replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and, wanted to let him go. :wink:


_________________
R Tape loading error, 0:1

Hypocrisy is the greatest luxury. Raise the double standard


TW1ZTY
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Sep 2018
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,285
Location: Hanging out with my coca cola ladies

18 Dec 2018, 8:36 pm

SaveFerris wrote:
A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that an Aspie was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the Aspie that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the Aspie's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The Aspie replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and, wanted to let him go. :wink:


Ha! That really is awful. :lol:


_________________
Break out the bubbly!


IstominFan
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 25 Nov 2016
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,981
Location: Santa Maria, CA.

18 Dec 2018, 9:29 pm

Not really a dark joke, just a little self-deprecating humor from Denis Istomin answering the question of an Australian journalist:

The Australian journalist asked Denis if he had eleven toes, to which Denis replied, "No. I wear size thirteen shoes, so you can say I have thirteen toes."



SaveFerris
Forum Moderator
Forum Moderator

User avatar

Joined: 3 Sep 2016
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 12,541
Location: UK

18 Dec 2018, 11:03 pm

Image


_________________
R Tape loading error, 0:1

Hypocrisy is the greatest luxury. Raise the double standard


IstominFan
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 25 Nov 2016
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,981
Location: Santa Maria, CA.

19 Dec 2018, 10:21 am

What did Denis Istomin take when he felt run down?

The license plate number of the Uzbek truck driver who slammed into the car he was in on the way to a tournament in Tashkent!

(Denis would be horrified that I'm telling these jokes!)



Piobaire
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Dec 2017
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,347
Location: Smackass Gap, NC

19 Dec 2018, 10:26 am

"I told my wife that I wanted to be cremated."
She made me an appointment for next Thursday."



Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 May 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 37,038
Location: Stendec

19 Dec 2018, 10:27 am

They laughed at my crayon drawings.
I laughed at their chalk outlines.



Last edited by Fnord on 19 Dec 2018, 10:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

IstominFan
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 25 Nov 2016
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,981
Location: Santa Maria, CA.

19 Dec 2018, 10:30 am

Laugh and the class laughs with you...but you serve detention alone.



VegetableMan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Jun 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,581
Location: Illinois

19 Dec 2018, 10:52 am

A man is being examined by a proctologist.

Doctor: "Ah, I see the problem. It's closed over. I'll have to tear you a new one."


_________________
If you embrace your inner child any harder, you'll suffocate the little bastard!


Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 May 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 37,038
Location: Stendec

19 Dec 2018, 11:14 am

Grampa Simpson is on his rocking chair.

Marge comes to him asks him to croak, to which Grampa says "No".

Lisa comes to him asks him to croak, to which Grampa responds with a "No".

Bart then comes along and asks him to croak, to which Grampa replies, "Why do you all keep asking me to croak?"

Bart replies, "Because Dad says if you do, then he can afford to take us all to Disneyland."