If you are a US citizen and will be 18 before Nov. 4, 2008

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I have a message for you.

Hello, I am John Q. Werbert. Are you sick of politics as usual? Are you tired of hearing about politicians taking bribes and fondling teenage pages? Most of all, are you tired of those leeches in Washington taking your hard-earned money?

I am sick of it, too. That's why, after much consideration with my family and vast circle of imaginary friends, I have decided to announce my candidacy for the office of President of the United States. Sure, I may not have the "experience" or the "Constitutional qualifications" of the other guys, but who would you rather have in the White House? Me, a guy who is so lazy that he can go days without showering, or someone who will be too busy sucking away your money while e-mailing teenagers to notice that the economy is heading into the toilet?

Vote Werbie, and don't get scurvy.

*This ad paid for by Friends of John Q. Werbert. John Q. Werbert, Treasurer.*

John Q. Werbert is a great man and all except for a few things: His family history. John Q. Werbert's Uncle Vinny stalks people as they leave the restaurant The Olive Garden located on 1234 Street St. Mr. Werbert has also been convicted as such crimes as aiding fast food restaurants with dead rats as their food source, sneaking illegal immigrants into texas, and not paying his taxes properly(he sends the IRS an envelope filled with dead,rotten fish). John Q. Werbert is not a good candidate...vote for Barney!
He loves you and you love him. Barney will bring this country to where it should be: High on love, and listening to cheesy love songs. Barney is your purple dinosaur friend!


*Payed for by the Lovable Friends*

I shall address the charges brought by the lady from Louisiana one at a time.

On January 13, 1995, my Uncle Vinny was hired by the Olive Garden to stand at a position just outside the door of their Harrisburg, PA establishment. His assignment is to act as an advertisement of sorts, dispensing the names of delicious Olive Garden dishes to potential customers. Unfortunately, Uncle Vinny went senile about 8 years ago, and he often follows patrons to their cars, believing them to be plates of shrimp fettucine. The Olive Garden has attempted to curb his behavior, but they don't have the heart to fire the old man.

Charge 2: What, did you actually think beef and chicken cooks that fast?

Charge 3: They swore to me that they were college students who lost their passports. Although I should have been suspicious when they offered to do my landscaping at a very good price.

Charge 4: I was under the impression that taxes were optional.

Besides, someone should ask Barney what Dallas, Texas, a rolling pin, a washing machine, and a lady of the evening by the name of Lolita LaRhumba have to do with each other.

What are your views on gay marriage?

Flag burning?

Posting the Ten Commandments on WrongPlanet?

Is there a first lady werbert? Does she have a chequered past?

it was all a big misunderstanding! he didn't know she was a ma-i mean, i have no clue what you're talking about...

Gay marriage: I'm for it. I think all people should experience gay marriage at least once.

Flag burning: I'm for it. Those rotten flags have had it too good for too long, mooching off of those hardworking, solid, and upright flag poles. All flags are good for is flapping in the wind.

Posting the Ten Commandments: I'm for it, so long as it's the reformed neo-orthodox werbertist interpretation.

Gun rights: Guns have played a long and storied role in defending this republic of ours, and I see no reason why they should be denied their rights any longer. They should be free, just like any other American citizen, to enjoy life, liberty, and the pursuit of a target.

Yes, there is a first lady werbert. She is the greatest mother, grandmother, sister, and wife a guy could ask for. And if any of our children could walk upright, they'd be right on the campaign trail with us.

Last edited by werbert on 17 Nov 2006, 3:01 am, edited 2 times in total.

Tell Barney that next time, he should pay cash, not charge.

But yer High-Chocy-Darkness, yer already a Prince!! Why stoop to being a mere President???

Why should I vote for you over other candidates with my seventeen false identities?

Sure, you're a nut that in seemingly counter intuitive way makes a strange sort of sense, and could probably run the country I'm not from better. But there are a lot of people like that.


What sets you apart from say, Cthulhu who is also running in 2008? He's running on a campaign where he's promising to literally eat everyone. How can you compete with that?

barney will eat himself!

Cthulhu can talk all he wants, but the truth is, during his three terms as Governor of New York, he managed to eat only 57% of the population. Sure, he claimed to have a bad case of indigestion, but we all know that he was singularly ill-suited for the task the people elected him to complete.

Attention, WrongPlanet citizens, I have devised a tax system that is fair yet not complex at all. The system is as follows.

Yodellers pay a 5% income tax.
Sword eaters pay 6%
People who can recite Homer's Odyssey pay 7.5%
People with chromasthesia pay 9.5%.

Everyone else pays a 78% income tax.

In addition, under my economic plan, the current minimum wage shall be done away with and replaced with a system of gold, silver, and red stars, doled out by the American Association of Second-Grade Teachers.

I will vote for Emporer Werbert the Great!

What's your position on the war on garlic?

God Bless America!

Garlic Bless America! And 1337! And SPAM! And Raging Clues! And Clue Goo! And Kuja's Thong! And Why Does He Want to Bless Kuja's Thong?