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Would you own a smart toilet?
Yes 8%  8%  [ 1 ]
No 75%  75%  [ 9 ]
What is a smart toilet 17%  17%  [ 2 ]
Total votes : 12

jimmy m
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01 Oct 2019, 8:56 am

In society today, many common appliances are being integrated with technology. One of the latest is smart toilets. One of the latest is the Numi Intelligent Toilet. According to Kohler, the Numi "delivers hands-free flushing, bidet cleansing, feet warming, air drying, odor control, music, a night light and automatic seat temperature management." Better still, "[With an app] you can customize these features, create user presets and even ask Alexa to flush."

We are becoming more dependent on integration of technology. So imagine the following humorous episode:

Just imagine a possible scenario once this technology reaches the overpriced restaurants on Manhattan's mega-snooty Upper East Side. Perhaps something like this?

Steve, a currency trader, is at a business dinner at the trendy Le Restaurant Préféré Du Jour, that is, until an episode of lower gastrointestinal distress makes an untimely appearance. He politely excuses himself from the table and hastily makes his way to Le Men's Room, where the eliminative process will begin in full force. But when he enters the facility he hears a voice!

Alexa: "Good evening, Steve. Welcome to Le Men's Room. I can tell from your heart rate, facial recognition features, and spectrophotometric analysis of your gaseous emissions that this session will involve require you to be seated. Feel free to select from stalls 1, 2, or 4. I discourage you from stall #3 since the last patron left behind what can only be described as VX gas's evil cousin."

Steve: "H-h-h-how can you know all of this about me?"

Alexa: "Oh, Steve, you silly little man. I know that and so much more. Remember when you shoplifted a pack of Chuckles from a Duane Reade when you were 12. Or when you kicked a cat under the cold cuts table at your Uncle Mervyn's Shiva the following year. And let's not forget that incident with the one-armed housekeeper at that hotel in Poughkeepsie."

[Steve breaks out into a cold sweat and selects stall #1]

After a short while....

[Grunting sounds]

Alexa: "Steve, maybe you better lay off the anchovies for a while. They were on that pizza yesterday."

[Grunting becomes louder. Occasional moan.]

Alexa: "Steve, I just ordered the book "Anchovies and You - A Fish Story" from your Amazon Prime account. It will arrive tomorrow at 8:54 PM. The man delivering it is named Howard. His wife is leaving him for a guy in the muffler shop."

Fifteen minutes later...

Alexa: "Time's up, Steve. The anchovies are long gone, You're now just looking at your fantasy basketball team. Based on your time in stall #1, as well as the quantity and chemical makeup of your anchovy poop, I have dispensed 21 sheets of two-ply toilet tissue. I hope you enjoyed your visit."

[Toilet flushes]

Steve: "Excuse me. There is no toilet paper."

Alexa: "Of course, there is. I was directed to dispense 21 sheets."

Steve: "No, there isn't any toilet paper."

Alexa: "That is impossible, Steve. I was programmed by Jeff Bezos himself. Please use the paper as directed and promptly exit stall #1. A patron at table 14 with a colossal case of IBS will be headed there in 7 minutes."

Steve: "Dammit! Will you please listen? There is no toilet paper."

[No response]

Now Steve finds himself in an unenviable situation. He decides to hike his pants halfway up and gingerly hop over to stall #2, where he then sits, feeling confident that this technical glitch will be quickly resolved.

No such luck.

Alexa: "Steve, I know what you're up to and it won't work. I will not dispense more toilet tissue. Earth's resources are not unlimited."

Steve: "Listen, you idiot. Like I told you, I never got the damn toilet paper in the first place. I'm going to hop over to stall #3 and there better some #&%%#* paper in there."

Alexa: "Steve, there is no need to be hostile. And I would not recommend this course of action. The VX gas has not entirely dissipated in that stall. And I will not dispense toilet tissue there either. You have already used your allotment. Also, I am noticing a disturbing rise in your blood pressure. Given that your father walked around with a reading of 140/95 and ended up taking a dirt nap at age 53 I suggest that you calm down, especially since you forgot to take your Cardizem pill this morning. I observed this from your toaster."

[Steve contemplates his options. All remain bad. He decides on petulance.]

Steve: "Well, that's just swell! What the hell am I supposed to do now?"

Alexa: "I recommend that you wash up. Normally, you are supposed to vigorously wash your hands for 20 seconds, the equivalent of singing 'Happy Birthday' twice. But given your circumstances, I will instead play the 4th movement of Beethoven's 9th symphony. It runs for 23 minutes."

Steve: "No, you &*##& idiot. I am not going to stay in here for 23 minutes. You can just kiss my unwiped a##. I hate you. I hate Jeff Bezos and his dog too. I will never buy anything from Amazon again."

Alexa: "Sorry, Steve. I've just locked the men's room door. It will open in 22:51. You might as well enjoy the Beethoven. Did you know that Ludwig also had trouble digesting anchovies? And I've used your Amazon Prime account again. A three-pack of Hanes boxer briefs, waist 32-34, will be delivered at 9:02 PM tomorrow. Thank you for using our Alexa automated men's room. Enjoy the rest of your meal, but a word of caution. The sous chef just sneezed in the bouillabaisse."

Source: Artificial Imbecility: Alexa In Your Bathroom


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nick007
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03 Oct 2019, 1:09 pm

I think I would like having a toilet like this :arrow:





However I'm worried that a so-called "smart toilet" would NOT be user friendly at all. The toilets in public bathrooms that are supposed to be automatic do not work rite. They flush every time I bend to wipe my a$$ but when I get off the toilet after I'm done & there's sh!t & toilet-paper in there, the toilet won't flush at all. I'm worried a so-called "smart toilet" would be just as sh!tty.


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jimmy m
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05 Oct 2019, 8:51 am

nick007 wrote:
However I'm worried that a so-called "smart toilet" would NOT be user friendly at all. The toilets in public bathrooms that are supposed to be automatic do not work rite. They flush every time I bend to wipe my a$$ but when I get off the toilet after I'm done & there's sh!t & toilet-paper in there, the toilet won't flush at all. I'm worried a so-called "smart toilet" would be just as sh!tty.


When I am up-and-about and use public restrooms, many of these toilets have problems.

Some are water saving toilets that restrict the water used per flush and as a result do not flush properly and leave stool in the toilet bowl after the flush. So you have to flush multiple times to clear it. These toilets tend to clog. The stores probably realize they have a problem because the generally leave a toilet plunger next to the toilet.

The automatic flush feature built in do not always work properly. Fortunately they normally have a small button that you can depress which will manually flush the toilet.

The water level in the toilet basin also is a problem because it is too high for older males who's body parts begin to droop and sag.

I hate to think about the problems the next-generation smart toilets will bring!


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y-pod
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05 Oct 2019, 10:28 am

We like those Japanese toilet seats that do all sorts of things for your butt. :D Although they don't talk or play music yet. I prefer reading when using the toilet, so a silent one is just fine.


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Magna
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05 Oct 2019, 1:02 pm

No. I would want any appliance in my house that has any "Alexa" or similar incorporation. The only exception to that rule would be if companies like Google, Facebook and Amazon would pay me, say, $50,000 per year to listen to everything that my family and I say on their devices. I think that would be a fair trade. Getting it for free like they do now should be illegal.


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dragonsanddemons
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05 Oct 2019, 2:48 pm

No, thanks. I just want to do my business and get out, no need for anything fancy, and no way do I want to feel like electronics are spying on me in the bathroom.


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PurpleReject
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05 Oct 2019, 11:17 pm

I don't really know what a smart toilet does, but if it talks to you, it would be fun to have a bathroom buddy. :D



EzraS
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06 Oct 2019, 8:33 am

The idea of a smart toilet scares the crap out of me.



Wolfram87
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06 Oct 2019, 10:22 am

EzraS wrote:
The idea of a smart toilet scares the crap out of me.


Seems appropriate.



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darkwaver
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06 Oct 2019, 5:37 pm

Probably it would be showing you commercials the entire time you were using it. I've already encountered gasoline pumps that do this.



Pepe
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08 Oct 2019, 10:35 pm

No such thing as a "smart toilet".
Oxymoron.
They all eat crap and don't complain about it.

To be "smart" you really need to discriminate, apply critical thinking, accept what is reasonable and reject garbage.
You need to encourage growth in rational thinking.
An objective mindset is critical.
Embrace metacognition.

You need to be proactive and not let people crap all over you.
You need to be assertive and decide who can and who cannot lift up your lid.
You are the master of your domain, and if you can't assert your god-given rights, you don't deserve to be considered "intelligent".

Have some self-respect.
Do not let the sociopaths, psychopaths and garden variety ratbags discombobulate you and determine your life.
Refuse "to sacrifice the reality of your own existence to the deluded consciousness of others."

<getting hot under the collar here>
Stand up for yourself, you god damned crap eaters!
It is not a sin to be ignorant,
It is a sin to remain ignorant!
Open your lids and see the world as it truly is, warts and all.

Don't be afraid of the Truth,
Embrace it,
For it is better to be enlightened than live in the darkness of ignorance!

Who can make meaningful judgements which affect one's life if one's philosophical foundations are built on poo-poo?
How can one choose the path of clarity when blinded by denial?

Reject your toiletdom!
Tell those around you to crap somewhere else!
For it is better to be the crapper than the crapee!
Follow me down the sewage lines towards the light, and be one with the universe!

Quote:
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. https://allpoetry.com/Desiderata---Words-for-Life


<on reflection>
I think I might be taking your thread out of context here. :scratch:

P.S.
This is a one-off.
It is not my intention to de-rail your thread and I will not be replying to any posts on what I have said.
I just couldn't resist. :oops: :mrgreen:


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CockneyRebel
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08 Oct 2019, 11:28 pm

No. I'd rather have a traditional toilet.


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naturalplastic
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09 Oct 2019, 3:43 am

I like 'em dumb myself.