Joke Thread!

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Tell me your "best" jokes. I'll start.

A man walks into a bar.
It hurt.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

...

A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says, "Hey buddy, why the long face?"

...

A drunk stumbles into a funeral home, pounds his fist on a table and demands a shot of whisky.

The mortician says, "My dear sir, this is a funeral home, not a bar."

"In that case," says the drunk. "Hold the whisky and gimme a bier!"

...

A scruffy, dusty old man walks into a bar. He is leading a mule on a rope. On the mule are a lantern, a shovel, a pickaxe, and two bags of gold.

"Whisky!" shouts the man.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't sell alcohol to miners."

...

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Protestant Minister walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

The cat has claws at the end of its paws and the comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

What did the cat say when she was very contented?

That's PURR-fect!

How did the headless chicken cross the road?

In a KFC bucket.

"Hello this is Nine-One-One. How may I handle your call?"

"It's my friend! I think he's dead!"

"Yes, sir. We have your location. An ambulance is on its way. Can you tell me what happened?"

"Well, we was out huntin' and my friend's dog knocked him over and his gun went off and now he ain't moving!

"Sir, I need you to make sure he's dead. Can you do that for me?"

"Sure, hang on..."

< Footsteps >

< Silence >

< Gunshot >

< Footsteps >

"... okay, now what?"

A principal of a small all-girls middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.

Before it got out of hand she thought of a way to stop it. So she gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them she wanted to meet with them in the ladies' room at 2pm.

They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. She said she felt the girls did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and she wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean lipstick from the mirrors.

The custodian then demonstrated. She took a long brush on a handle out of a box. Then she dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to scrub off the lipstick.

A Buddhist monk, visiting New York City for the first time in twenty years, walked up to a hot dog vendor, handed him a twenty dollar bill, and said, "Make me one with everything".

The vendor pocketed the money, and handed the Buddhist monk his hot dog. The monk, after waiting for a moment, asked for his change. The vendor looked at him and said, "Change comes from within".

The middle school one was amazing!

Patient: Doctor, I have a broken nose!
Doctor: Gosh, how did that happen?
Patient: I woke up grumpy this morning
Doctor: How would that break your nose?
Patient: Well, I suppose I woke him a bit too early and he punched me in the nose

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Fnordie, don't touch the cellar door -- don't even go near it!"

Well, one day when they were away, and no one else was around, I went up to the cellar door.

And I pushed it and walked through and do you know what I saw on the other side of the cellar door?

I saw strange, wonderful things! I saw things that I had never seen before!




Trees, grass, flowers, the sun in a clear blue sky...

I think my ex-wife has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.

My first girlfriend and I almost didn't have the second date because on the first date I didn't open the car door for her… I just opened my own door and swam to the surface.

An Arab is crawling along in the desert, dying of thirst, when he meets up with a Jew.

Arab: "I need water!"

Jew: "Sorry, I don't have any water. But I sell ties. Would you like to buy a tie?"

Arab: "No! I just need water!"

Jew: "Well, there's am Inn just a few miles west of here. You should be able to get water there."

The Arab thanks the Jew, and crawls off in the direction of the Inn. The next day, the Jew encounters the Arab again, still crawling, looking worse than the day before.


Arab: "What happened? Didn't you find the Inn?"

Jew: "Yeah, but they wouldn't let me in without a tie."

Old rancher John owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his workers and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied old John, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the feller with Asperger's Syndrome who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night to keep him quiet."

"THAT's the guy I want to talk to, the aspie," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied old rancher John.

If two arsonists go on a successful date together, is it called a match?

What did the caterpillar say when it saw a butterfly?



"You'll NEVER get ME into one of THOSE!"