The Long Wait!
Actually a day seems a long wait when one is keen to know the answer to the question "Am I on the spectrum".
But obviously these things take time, but the wait can seem a long time when waiting to be assessed, but seem a short time for those looking back on having had their assessment.
Waiting holds many questions. Am I autistic? What about this or that? Questions... Questions...! !
Sometimes I am in denial and I think "I can't be on the spectrum". Other times I am half accepting and think "Maybe I am on the spectrum?" I still don't know, though I half think I know... But how can I be sure? Patience... Patience...! !!
But the wait is long regardless how long it actually is (Haha. The mental torture of not knowing and guessing! Haha!). But I also have concerns in regards to "Will I get to be assessed?" The future is uncertain. No one knows if things will stay the same. But somehow waiting brings hope. If I knew that I won't be assessed, the thought of this brings depression and despare.
But... I am slightly concerned about the assessment itself. Will I mentally (Intentionally or not) sway the results one way or the other?. Will I find the assessment childlike where I may get frustrated about the simplicity of it. Will I find it too complex and hard? What happens if I can't cope with the stress and I get a shutdown? Even a partial shutdown where I am not really mentally as sharp as I normally am? Will I be seen as being thick whenI am not? Will I be seen as being too intelligent?
Questions... Questions!
Uhmmm.... I think I need to divert my mind onto something else.
But... I sometimes feel like I should cancel the assessment to save myself from the stress and anxiety of being on a waiting list. When I have no future appointments I relax better, but when I have an appointment for anything, my background stress levels go up a notch. The more future appointments and things I have on my mind, the more notches this goes up! It can reach a level when I will cancel things to bring the background stress down. (I have been known to cancel appointments in the past to aleviate myself from this background stress, even though I have been in pain (E.g. a dentists appointment), because the pain can be less of an issue then the background stress of a looming appointment, especially when I don't have a specific date to psyche myself up for in a mental way. The not knowing is a kind of mental torture on a mild scale. But to aleviate the torture I can be a bit of a pain in that I can easily bother those who are arranging things... So I usually do the opposite and not contact and try not to say a thing... But then I think "Oh no! I have not heard anything! Am I still on their list? Have I been forgotton about? (This has happened to me several times in the past where I have been waiting for years and when I finally get back in touch no one knows anything about it!)).
Uhmmm. Patience, Patience!
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My memory of the assesment was that it was pleasant if a bit wierd. The various exercises were simple enough to do, but as I didn't know exactly what they were looking for, I'm pretty confident I didn't bias it one way or the other. I'm still digesting the result, it has to be said. In the long run, I think it was better to know for sure, though. However it turns out for you, good luck!
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You're so vain
I bet you think this sig is about you
Commiserating (and this is a much lesser thing): I've been waiting for a (free) security deposit box at my bank for a couple years. I started as 3rd on the list. Last time I checked I was next on the list. It's about time to ask again. I agree: stress inducing. Deep breath in, deep breath out. The wait will be worth it (for both of us).
I will get a drawer in the bank's safe. I'll put our passports in there, etc.
Warning: take a deep breath and "play" with me, but possible anxiety trigger. I have General Anxiety (GA), and my ASD coach has me doing visualization which is helpful to manage my anxiety. It's the uncertainty I think that drives me nuts and what am I supposed to "do" (over responsibility). So I imagine it's "routine", no big deal. I imagine it's going the well. (If I find out differently I'd deal with it then, not now). For you, I could imagine your name going up one on that digital list every week, other folks before you going in -meeting their fate- and your name going up, then one day you go in: excited, nervous: goodness.
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