Funny, corny joke thread

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A couple of quotes from the English conductor Sir Thomas Beecham:

During a stage production of which he was not much of a fan, a live horse had a walk-on part. As it was led onto the stage, the horse defecated. He said "Gentlemen, that horse is not only an actor, it is also a critic."

At a rehearsal, when he was dissatisfied with the playing of a female cellist, he reportedly said this:
"Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands, and all you can do is scratch it."

i wonder if it is Sir, or the reader, who has the dirtier mind?

I think it's inconceivable that any, uh, anatomical inference was intended in those more innocent times; it would have probably caused a huge upset as an obscenity. But a modern reading certainly lends an extra frisson that likely wouldn't have been seen back then.

My grandfather started a revolving door company and a paper towel company. But before he could turn around he was wiped out.

Why don't children in China believe in Santa Claus?

Answer: Because they're the ones making all the toys.

How do you stop a fish from smelling?
Cut off its nose.

A man was trying to sell a dog to a neighbor.
"The dog can actually talk, and you can have him for only five dollars." the man said.
"Ridiculous." said the neighbor says. "Everyone knows dogs can't talk!"

The dog looks up at the neighbor with big, sad tearful eyes, and says, "Oh please buy me, sir. This man is very cruel to me. He doesn't feed me, or bathe me, or take me for walks. I was once the richest trick dog in the whole country. I performed for kings and presidents. I was even in the army and they had me decorated several times."

"Wow! He can talk!" says the neighbor. "But why are you offering him for only five dollars?"
"Because," said the man, "I'm sick of him always lying!"

A cannibal complains, "God, I hate my mother in law!"
His wife, also a cannibal, says "Then just eat the noodles!"

A little boy was in the waiting room of a doctor's office with his mother. The boy was there to get his usual check-up. After a while he noticed that many of the other people also waiting were sniffling, coughing, and just generally looking unwell.

"I don't think the doctor who works here is very good at his job." the boy says to his mom.
The mother asks, "Why is that?"
The boy tells her, "Because most of the people here are sick!"

A duck walks into a pharmacy and says to the guy behind the counter, "Give me some Chapstick and put it on my bill."

A man goes asks the pharmacist "Is my prescription ready yet? I'm sick."
The pharmacist says, "Hello, Sick. Nice to meet you."

what do you call a motorcycle that keeps telling funny jokes? a "Yamahaha."

What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs? A condescending con descending!

Ned walks into the Windows on the World restaurant on the top floor of Rockefeller Center into New York. He sits down at the bar and orders a drink. The fellow on the stool next to Ned introduces himself, and they begin chatting.

The fellow says to Ned, "you know, at certain times of the year, when the barometric pressure and the winds blowing between the skyscrapers are just right, you can go out to the balcony of this restaurant, jump off and float in the air over the city." Ned tells him he is full of baloney, and the other fellow. "No. Here, watch this." He then throws open the doors to the balcony, climbs to the top of the guard railing, jumps off and ... floats, weightlessly, like a cloud, above the streets of Manhattan. He even gives Ned a little wave before he floats back to the balcony, alights, and walks back and sits down at the bar.

Ned is awe struck. He tells the fellow, "That is absolutely amazing! I have never seen anything like that!"

Then he asks, "Can I do that?"

The fellow tells Ned, "Sure. Go ahead."

Joyfully, Ned gets down from his bar stool and goes out onto the restaurant balcony. He climbs to the top of the guard railing, jumps off, and plummets to his death.

The fellow at the bar goes back to his drink. The bartender says to him, "Gee, Superman, you can be very cruel sometimes."

Flatulence is a blast from the past.

a blasst from the passt