Funny, corny joke thread

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A little boy was on a school bus, sitting just behind the driver. The boy was talking in a loud voice, "If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a calf! If my mom was a hen and my dad was a rooster, I'd be a chick! If my mom was a goose and my dad was a gander, I'd be a gosling!"

Finally the driver gets so fed up and annoyed he growls to the boy, "If your mom was an idiot and your dad was a moron, what would that make you?"

The boy grins and says "The driver of this bus!"

My barber is never late for an appointment because . . .

I love knock knock jokes.
A few I made up:-

Knock knock
Who's there?
Sonya
Sonya who?
Sonya back!

Knock knock
Who's there?
Arthur
Arthur who?
Arthur Christ sake!

Knock knock
Who's there?
Doctor
Doctor who?
Exterminate!

Knock knock
Who's there?
Alison
Alison who?
Alison wonderland

A shy man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that, so he stayed put.
Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. The drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently, in an attempt to free himself of the sheets. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him and asked, "what the hell is going on?" The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, "I think I just beat the $ђ!+ out of a ghost!"

Whenever I am ready to study seriously, the world becomes very interesting and any bells and whistles attract me.

A woman went to the eye doctor because she wasn't sure if she was seeing double. The eye doctor gave her two pieces of paper, one with a picture of Putin and one of a bit of poop, and asked her if she could tell the differences. The woman started crying and sobbed, "I am seeing double, I can't tell those two pictures apart."

A woman, feeling bold, told her conservative boyfriend to "tie her up and f**k her however he wanted."
Naturally, this excited him greatly.
So he put a lien on her house, sued her, and quadrupled her taxes.

A mechanical engineer gets into a car. The car won't start, so he goes out and buys a new starter. While he's gone, an electrical engineer gets in, realises it won't start, and goes out and buys a new battery. While they are both gone, an IT engineer gets into the car and when he sees it won't start he decides to solve it by getting out of the car and getting back in.

some medical terminology double-entendres-

Artery- the study of fine paintings
Barium- what to do when CPR fails
Caesarian Section- a district in Rome
Colic- a sheep dog
Coma- a punctuation mark
Congenital- friendly
Dilate- to live long
Fester- quicker
G.I. Series- baseball game between teams of soldiers
Grippe- a suitcase
Hangnail- a coat hook
Medical Staff- a doctor's cane
Minor Operations- coal digging
Morbid- a higher offer
Nitrate- higher than the day rate
Node- was aware of
Organic- musical
Outpatient- a person who has fainted
Post-Operative- a letter carrier
Protein- in favor of young people
Secretion- hiding anything
Serology- study of English knighthood
Tablet- a small table
Tumor- an extra pair
Urine- opposite of you're out
Varicose Veins- blood vessels that are very close together

Farmer Jones is usually frugal when buying livestock. But one day he got extravagant and bought himself...a zebra.

Just for the novelty.

Brought the zebra home and just let it graze freely around the farm.

The zebra introduced himself to resident animals.

Met a hen. Who are you? I am a hen. What do you do here? I lay eggs for the farmer to sell to market.

Who are you? I am a cow. What do you do here? I give milk.

Then the zebra noticed the bull that had been leaning against a tree watching.

Who are you?

Im a bull.

What do you do here?

If you just pull down those striped pajamas I'll show you.

"I used to be into S&M, bestiality and necrophilia, but then I realized I was only beating a dead horse."
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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' 
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' 
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' 
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. 
He paused for a moment and then started to leave. 
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' 
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
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So Ann Coulter walks into a bar. The bartender says, "why the long face?"

People that have been gazing at the portrait of Mona Lisa, pondering her mysterious smile, have been coming down with a mild illness that causes symptoms such as coughing, sneezing, a sore throat and a stuffy nose.

They're calling it "The Da Vinci Cold".

^^^

What's a Dementia patient's favourite website?
Confused.com

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to feel you up, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.
He is going to try to put his hand down there, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family.
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said. But she said "grandmother I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

A man who lived in the city went to visit his brother for the first time since he had gotten married and moved to the country. The brother had moved to a very rural area where they didn't have the usual luxuries after his marriage because that was the kind of living his wife preferred. They had a five year old son, and the country brother had told the city brother that he would have to share a bed with the little boy. So that evening when the city brother is ready for bed he goes to his nephew's bedroom where he sees him kneeling one side of the bed, his head bowed down as if in prayer. The uncle thinks he should respect the religious customs of his brother's family, so he kneels down on the other side of the bed and bends his head down on his folded hands. The boy looks up and says, "What're ya doing?" His uncle says, "Why, I'm doing the same thing you're doing." The boy says "Mom's gonna be mad. The potty's on this side of the bed."