I hate it how most people try to give advice constantly

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stratozyck
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05 Nov 2022, 11:59 pm

I've gotten to the point where I avoid sharing personal details with people I meet because most people are in "I can fix everyone's problems!" mode. I get it - people are trying to show they care and all, maybe. To me it just comes across as narcissistic.

I have 4 kids with the oldest being 6. Our kids are a bit unusual - so far three out of four are nonverbal autistic. If we even mention anything about that we get people who don't have any experience with that telling us how we should raise our kids.



autisticelders
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06 Nov 2022, 6:36 am

yeah! this!! ! can I add to it? I was constantly told I should beat my kid to "make her behave"... constantly criticized by others for my kid's struggles ( people assume it is all the parents fault for not parenting properly). Completely not what we need when raising ND kids!! ! Hardest part was making sure I was not reacting violently to some "helpful" folks' comments or saying things that might have made the divide greater. Even explanations about ND behaviors and reasons why are useless. and why should we have to justify and explain??? Some are so set in their minds about everything... big sigh, no answers, but you are definitely not alone!! !!


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06 Nov 2022, 8:08 am

Some people are still living in the 1920s when it comes to giving this type of advice. They really should mind their own business. I wonder if anybody gave my parents advice on how to raise me when I was little.


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06 Nov 2022, 8:19 am

You know, what you should do about this is .....

It particularly drives me up the wall when they hand out some BS solution based on 3 microseconds of thought and zero experience of the problem, then stand there waiting for your abject thanks for fixing your life in a way you were clearly too stupid to do yourself.


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nick007
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08 Nov 2022, 1:06 pm

I like giving out advice because I want to help if I can. I also really like feeling needed & useful within a romantic relationship so I often give advice & try to help my partner with her problems. I appreciate others giving me advice as well if they are trying to understand my situation & give me realistic advice I might could understand & apply. Usually people tell me some clueshay saying & then tell me focus on something else. That's bullsh!t, NOT actual advice. I could respect that sometimes they want to help but don't have any ideas but other times they are just tired of me complaining & want me to shut-up. I try to consider advice if it's coming from someone I respect who might understand my situation some or if the person has been in a similar situation before. "Consider the source" is a saying I try to keep in mind when hearing advice.

In general people do not want to hear others complain unless they are into the goth or EMO scene or they love getting in angry political & religious debates for some reason :shrug: Talking about personal problems makes others feel bad so they'd rather cheer you up & than you continuing to bring them down. When you get advice from someone that seems to have no thought or consideration for your situation, it's probably a waste of time & energy trying to talk go them about that problem & related problems unless there is something specific you want from them & then you tell them specifically what you need.


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PhosphorusDecree
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09 Nov 2022, 11:36 am

I have occasionally been accused of being a good listener.... because when I hear about people's troubles, I usually DON'T suggest solutions 'cos I can't think of any. I think half the time what they actually want is somebody to tell their troubles to who'll just say, "Yes, that must be hard."


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nick007
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09 Nov 2022, 6:59 pm

PhosphorusDecree wrote:
I have occasionally been accused of being a good listener.... because when I hear about people's troubles, I usually DON'T suggest solutions 'cos I can't think of any. I think half the time what they actually want is somebody to tell their troubles to who'll just say, "Yes, that must be hard."
I've been called a good listener as well. I tend to be quiet in general, I don't tell people BS clueshays to make them feel better, & I generally don't push people to feel better or get frustrated with em cuz they're being too negative. I do try to help them with their problems if I think I have some ideas worth exploring or I know other ways I can help. However people tend to want to complain about their problems(misery loves company as they say) & they want to do what they want to do. Then when things get worse, I'm expected to listen to them complain even more or help them clean up their mess that woulda been a lot better if they had actually listened to me in the 1st place :wall: That's some of why I give people advice, because if I don't I'll be helping them out of a deeper hole later that they dug themselves into :tired:


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Last edited by nick007 on 09 Nov 2022, 7:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

QFT
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09 Nov 2022, 7:06 pm

stratozyck wrote:
I've gotten to the point where I avoid sharing personal details with people I meet because most people are in "I can fix everyone's problems!" mode.


For me its the opposite. Nobody seems to care. Even when I *desperately wish* they could give me advice, they just don't. I don't know why. Do they think I deserve the situation I am in?



nick007
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09 Nov 2022, 7:14 pm

QFT wrote:
stratozyck wrote:
I've gotten to the point where I avoid sharing personal details with people I meet because most people are in "I can fix everyone's problems!" mode.


For me its the opposite. Nobody seems to care. Even when I *desperately wish* they could give me advice, they just don't. I don't know why. Do they think I deserve the situation I am in?
I relate to this some. Sometimes they think I've brought the situation on myself by not trying harder to be more functional & independent or whatever instead of understanding that I'm trying my best but I'm stuck in place & need help. Other times they don't really know how to help or they don't want to deal with negativity.


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Last edited by nick007 on 09 Nov 2022, 7:16 pm, edited 2 times in total.

DanielW
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09 Nov 2022, 7:14 pm

Not sharing private details is a good policy as a rule. As you have seen, it only invites unwanted attention and comments. Free advice is also worth every penny you paid for it too.



nick007
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09 Nov 2022, 7:23 pm

DanielW wrote:
Free advice is also worth every penny you paid for it too.
Rule of Acquisition #59~ "Free advice is seldom cheap"
I try to analyze the advice I do get to gauge if it really might be useful for me to try & apply. I want to understand how it might help & how I can apply it before majorly investing time, effort, or energy into it.


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Mona Pereth
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17 Dec 2022, 9:42 pm

QFT wrote:
stratozyck wrote:
I've gotten to the point where I avoid sharing personal details with people I meet because most people are in "I can fix everyone's problems!" mode.


For me its the opposite. Nobody seems to care. Even when I *desperately wish* they could give me advice, they just don't. I don't know why. Do they think I deserve the situation I am in?

It might be interesting to try to figure out the cause of the difference between the way people treat the O.P. and the way they treat you.

I wonder if this might be a cultural difference between the locales where the two of you have lived?

Or perhaps a difference, not between locales, but between the ways that parents get treated vs. the ways that single childless people get treated? Perhaps, for example, most people have a protective instinct toward children, which causes them to butt in to anything involving children?


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