Science-y, of course. But I get carried away with fun projects. Want to know what I did last night? I stayed up all night! Anyway, about the following: The formatting will be off and, worse, the shades of white will not show up so use your imagination. Here it is! By the Lab Pet.
Layman’s Guide to Homeland Security
everything you need to know about the color code emergency alert system
courtesy of your local hardware store’s paint chip palette kiosk
The current administration apparently has a color code system in place to alert you of impending doom inflicted by an unscrupulous individual with a nasty temperament and no impulse control of probably Middle Eastern descent (or brown eyes) who is having a seriously bad day and is ready to take it out on you personally. According to this color code system I guess RED is designated the highest alert, meaning ensuing chaos, ORANGE is just slightly less drastic, and so on. This implies GREEN means the bin laden family is on holiday and the camels are happy. I never really understood the current color code system (and I’m a photochemist! Infrared, < 400 nm, and Ultraviolet, > 750 nm, are way too sophisticated for the administration) so I substituted the following emergency alert system for your security. You better memorize this revised system ASAP too….or else. I do not know what ‘or else’ means, but you’re in trouble! And the IRS knows. Recognize these colors and respond appropriately. Handy if you happen to be redecorating too.
Code Ecru
Ok, this is dire and I’m not kidding. Like ‘Ice 9’ but nightmarish. They are out to get you and paranoia is in order.
Code Antique White
Stay Home. Do not answer the door, under any circumstances, even if it’s the girl scouts selling cookies. Assume the fetal position. Hide!
Code Oyster
Make certain your assault weapons arsenal is loaded. Call your mother and tell her you love her. Remember that imaginary Y2K crisis? Well, I hoped you saved your Y2K home survival kit – you need it now. Or at least that duct tape.
Code Off-White
Do you have prayer beads? If so, use them now. You may have to resort to cannibalism to save yourself. I hate to be the one to tell you this.
Code Bone
Look out. I have no advice for you. Are there black helicopters hovering over your house (compound) yet? Duck!
Code Cream
Make peace with your higher power. Existence as you know it is over. Stay home and watch comforting daytime TV, like the Dr. Phil Show and as many soap operas as tolerable.
Code Soft Beige
Is Voldemort on your speed dial? Suicide crisis line? You need all the help you can get at this point. Have you considered becoming a crack addict to cope? Trepanation?
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The ones who say “You can’t” and “You won’t” are probably the ones scared that you will. - Unknown