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Iloveanaspie
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11 Jan 2019, 1:55 pm

Hi All,
I’m married to an Aspie male for 10 years. Him & his alcohol/pot addictions. I don’t think I can take much more between his Aspie traits & getting high. H does not do this all the time , it’s just years of accumulated frustration! I dream of a man who gets what I’m feeling & thinking. I love my husband just at my whits end. We have tried couples counciling & now I found I need someone for me to workout whether I still want to be in this marriage. He is also going to look for someone individually. He sees an alcohol council who does nothing for him. He needs an Aspie expert. I feel so alone & sad. I love this man! He’s kind, reliable, honest (most of the time). We have been through so much together. For example I’m home sick yesterday w the flu. He stayed home to take care of me. Then the night went by when I really needed him he was wasted on Pot. I think he ate it. I’m so angry & so sick of these repeated behaviors. He thinks it’s ok b/c it’s been a long time since he’s done it! But he doesn’t get how sick I was & that I needed him!! !
Thank goodness the child thing didn’t work out for us. We like our 4 furry children instead. This stuff is hard!! People don’t get the struggle. My husbands a good actor. Hard to know if he has it unless you really get to know him. Anyone understand what I’m going through? How do you go through it?



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11 Jan 2019, 2:05 pm

You need to talk about things more.

Aspies need open communication in relationships. Most of us are very poor at figuring stuff out unless your needs are clearly communicated.



Iloveanaspie
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11 Jan 2019, 2:40 pm

I do, I communicate a lot to him. I’ve done a lot of research & work on this & we have done couples w an Aspie specialist. This cycle of him doing fine then getting wasted on some substance is getting so old. I’m done w it.



MrsPeel
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12 Jan 2019, 6:43 am

AS comes with its difficulties.
I was married a long time and had kids but ultimately I couldn't handle the pressure of needing to be there for hubby and kids, to be a good wife and mother, when after work all I was needing to do was withdraw from humanity and find a quiet space. It was too much for me.
I guess I'm saying is I can understand why your partner may be struggling to fulfill the role you are hoping for.

What you might try is actually agreeing a schedule for together time and alone time (and time for pot, if he needs).
It's easier for us to find the energy to devote to our partner if we know in advance and are pre-prepared. And it helps to have designated 'alone' times when we know that won't be expected of us.
Don't be afraid to ask for this, or to tell him exactly what you expect him to do for you. Most of us don't take hints. Better to get out in the open the ways you are feeling dissatisfied and hash out solutions together.

Hope you can work it out.



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12 Jan 2019, 6:55 am

When I was with a partner we would typically go out once a week, usually for the entire day.



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12 Jan 2019, 8:14 am

That's a good post Mrs Peel.

Communication to an NT might be, "I need you to be there for me." But I myself might interoperate that differently to the NT.

He may think he is being there. He's stoned, but he is physically present. However, it may need to be a more specific comment... "I need you to be sober whilst I'm ill just in case any symptoms become a more serious and I need help."

I personally respond better to reasons. "I need you to do this because it will mean x and y".

Forgive me if you have already done this OP


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Iloveanaspie
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12 Jan 2019, 10:07 am

Thanks I love hearing from you all it really helps. I guess on the NT side it gets awfully tiring to try to be specific about EVERYTHING! Ugh. I didn’t realize I needed to be that specific when I was half dead in bed. Why would he go get wasted when he knows how much it bothers me? Especially being so sick in bed? That’s something I still don’t understand!! !???please I need to hear from you all. Help me understand the thought process. I’ve been working on this marriage for a long time. No kids just us & our animals. He can give love, kisses affection to the cats more than me!??



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12 Jan 2019, 11:32 am

It is obvious when a cat need affection.

I don't know about your situation, but a lot of women are under the mistaken impression that guys can figure it out somehow. :roll:

Aspies can be exceedingly oblivious to "hints."



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12 Jan 2019, 10:57 pm

Well, here is a problem for aspies, I'll explain with an example.

One morning at work, my colleague dropped to the floor in a faint, right in front of me.
I really wanted to help her, but I got confused about what to do. Should I talk to her, touch her shoulder? Or would that be an impost? Maybe I should leave her alone until she feels better? But maybe she's really ill and I should call an ambulance?
While I was dithering, other colleagues came and helped her, doing all the things I'd thought about doing but hadn't been sure about, and all that time I was just standing there watching and doing nothing.

To everyone else, I must have seemed really cold-hearted for just standing there and not doing anything - this is why they say aspies don't have empathy.
But people misunderstand, I actually felt deeply for the woman's plight and really wanted to help, I just couldn't work out what she would have wanted me to do and I didn't want to do the wrong thing and make things worse.

I think this difference between how others view our behaviour and how we feel inside is behind a lot of relationship problems with aspies. And this is why it is best to just say straight out what you need from your husband.



Astroecho
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13 Jan 2019, 5:32 am

Hi there. My first post on this site. My bf is a pot smoker and probably an Aspie. He uses it only in the evenings to relax and help with the stress he feels. I think it makes him easier to get along with! Does it make a big difference with your partner? Is it legal where you are or is that another issue? Maybe he just simply thought if you were in bed he would have the time to 'have an evening off'. Why are you opposed to him getting stoned?



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13 Jan 2019, 5:38 am

If you want him to do something different than he has done in the past you will need to ask.



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13 Jan 2019, 7:27 am

Iloveanaspie wrote:
Hi All,
I’m married to an Aspie male for 10 years. Him & his alcohol/pot addictions. I don’t think I can take much more between his Aspie traits & getting high. H does not do this all the time , it’s just years of accumulated frustration! I dream of a man who gets what I’m feeling & thinking. I love my husband just at my whits end. We have tried couples counciling & now I found I need someone for me to workout whether I still want to be in this marriage. He is also going to look for someone individually. He sees an alcohol council who does nothing for him. He needs an Aspie expert. I feel so alone & sad. I love this man! He’s kind, reliable, honest (most of the time). We have been through so much together. For example I’m home sick yesterday w the flu. He stayed home to take care of me. Then the night went by when I really needed him he was wasted on Pot. I think he ate it. I’m so angry & so sick of these repeated behaviors. He thinks it’s ok b/c it’s been a long time since he’s done it! But he doesn’t get how sick I was & that I needed him!! !
Thank goodness the child thing didn’t work out for us. We like our 4 furry children instead. This stuff is hard!! People don’t get the struggle. My husbands a good actor. Hard to know if he has it unless you really get to know him. Anyone understand what I’m going through? How do you go through it?

I agree that your husband needs an autism specialist for therapy, or if that's not possible a therapist who has ASD experience.

Traditional approachs only work if the councillor, you and your husband adapt them to accommodate his social, communication and repetitive needs, focussing on how to meet those in healthy ways individually and within the relationship. Otherwise it could do more harm than good.
Quite like accommodating the needs of a person with a physical/visible disability. If you make accommodations/adaptations then many of the barriers to their actual abilities are removed.

With communication it can mean stepping right outside your comfort zone and being very direct, clear and concise.

In addition to the other mental health considerations suggested in this thread he could be experiencing autistic burnout.



Iloveanaspie
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13 Jan 2019, 5:40 pm

Thank you all for your beautiful posts. Mrs peel, your post was amazing explaining what it can be like in certain situations! I can think of many times where I couldn’t understand his actions. But My knowledge has grown a lot around him.
Pot smoking, i am a huge advocate of weed. I think I’m realizing my husband processes it differently. He seems to get wasted. Meaning he doesn’t make sense or loses his balance like when he was drinking. It’s very complicated. We both actually got our medical marijuana card so we can get medical grade CBD w minimal THC. He used a lot of drugs in the past. IDK. He always seems to go “overboard “ w pot or alcohol. He’s trying to stay away from alchol. I ask him why he always goes overboard & he says I don’t want to miss out on anything. What??? What does that mean?
Anyway, the new therapist is suppose to be intouch Tomm.



Astroecho
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16 Jan 2019, 8:35 am

Good luck. I really hope it works out and you get a decent therapist that you both click with. All relationships go through ups and downs and I hope you both grow closer again. I'm a hopeless romantic and love a happy ever after but understand it can't always end that way. Maybe just rewarding himself with a smoke in evenings or just weekends would help. I'd find it hard if it was too much too unless for pain relief or as treat when jobs done so it didn't become an issue.
Stay strong. You sound pretty sensible and if you haven't been feeling the best too things can compound. :)