How do men do it?

Post Reply New Topic

Oh and Bill Burr, that line about an Umbrella....so true.... Unthinkable .... I'd choose to be soaking wet, than carry one of those things LOL

it almost as a class of people , we are discriminated against . and idk how others sort us out from other people . Just some folk must be psychopathic and , we are just under estimating their
numbers .

what it boils down to is that the lower-functioning among us aspies are de facto prey, and the NTs and even the higher functioning aspies are our predators.

I cry when I'm overstimulated or highly stressed. Personally I find it to be a good form of emotional release. Something cold with a little weight to it such as a cool blanket also helps in the case of overstimulation or being overwhelmed (at least, I find it helps me).

However, I remember being judged for crying in childhood. I was in a rather black and white mindset back then, I thought that I either had to conform to complete girly girl or tomboy. At first I tried fitting into being what I perceived as girly, but I failed at that so I went in the other direction. I'd hoped that by doing so I'd escape from expectations, but I was just assigned a different set. People expected me to be tough and would mock me if I cried. I was told to ignore the bullying I was going through and to not let it show that it was getting to me. Which did not help. In fact, it made it worse because now the bullies wanted to see just how much pain I could tolerate before I reacted.

The side effect of this was that I ended up unintentionally masking my pain even after the bullying ended. I remember in the early days of University I accidentally hurt myself in front of others and I received puzzled reactions when I didn't react much to it. Then I remembered I didn't have to mask and I reacted accordingly. It's a useful skill in emergency situations, but for the most part I've stopped masking my pain.

Now, I generally wouldn't recommend emotional or physical numbing. When you start blocking out certain emotions, you tend to start blocking out all emotions and can start acting unpredictably because you're no longer in sync with yourself. That was the case for me. I was ruining my friendships by acting out. To the point where I didn't even know my real emotions because I was so used to acting. I remember when I decided to stop repressing and avoiding my feelings. Everything just came flooding in all at once. However, with time it became less heavy and instead of viewing my emotions as a daunting separate entity they were simply another aspect of me.

I became a lot happier when I took some time to consider which expectations that came with being girly I disliked and why, and which expectations that came with being a tomboy I disliked and why. Then I decided to just follow the roles I liked and ignore the ones I didn't.

I was the youngest in the family (still am!); my brothers are 9 and 10 years older. I've always been fairly sensitive--in a good way, I think--but my brothers loved to screw with me. If I cried about something, they'd tease me until I cried more. Sometimes they'd scare me just to see what it took to get me to cry. For example, if our parents were out, and a friend called one of my borthers, they'd leave the room to talk, then come back and say something like, "That was the police; Mom and Dad died in a car accident, and we'll never see them again."

I knew, of course, that crying was for "babies," but I felt things intensely sometimes, and it would snowball because I'd been shamed for crying. It's kind of like telling yourself to calm down in a panic attack, then failing to calm down, which only makes the panic more intense, and so on and so on.

I also find myself crying sometimes when I get angry. I know full well the difference between anger and sadness, but I suspect that years of suppressing other modes of expressing anger has left me with tears squeezing out instead. Then....of course...wait for it...I cry a little more because I'm embarrassed and ashamed that I'm crying....



Jebus! I sound like a wreck. Honestly, I do function, because I don't cry that often. I think I just cry more often than a lot of other adults I know.

I love and respect my husband for not suppressing all his tears. He's a wonderful, kind man, and I think if he were as closed off as a lot of guys are forced/expected to be, I probably wouldn't have been so drawn to him. Our society's screwed up. (Duh.)

I think it's a mix of cultural conditioning and coping mechanism. The toxic masculinity in our culture discourages men from crying. I think it also depends a bit on personality. If someone yelled at me, I would internalize it and get upset and then need to cry to rebalance my emotions. My (non-autistic) brother would stand there and not say anything but be thinking 'you're such a stupid b*stard'. You can't see what is going on inside their heads, so you don't know, maybe in his head the guy is yelling back at the other person, and that helps them emotionally rebalance. They also might have a coping mechanism that you can't see, as in I don't think you're watching your male coworkers the entire time you're at work, so they probably have some way of venting emotions that you aren't observing. Also, there are some people who have this absurd magical ability to hold it all until they get home, or are somewhere private. I have no idea how people can do that because I sure as heck can't.

the japanese have some good words, "kusogake urusai" - for people that yell at other people.

Men would show more emotion if they were rewarded for it. I think, frequently, we're treated like we have none, then criticized for not expressing them. I've had women I've liked, who are otherwise good people, tell me I don't have emotions because I'm a man. So, obviously I wasn't going to open up to them, which only confirmed their (incorrect) opinion. I can't imagine ever talking to another person that way.

All my life I've been told I'm too sensitive, so even if people recognize my emotions then they're still a problem. Of course, the more people recognize my problems the less I time I have to listen to theirs...

Women don't want men to just see them as sex objects, but I think there's still this belief men only want sex and want sex all the time. We're supposed to act like we don't, while being treated like we do. Conversely, how often do women make romantic gestures toward men? Would women here send a man flower? Write him a love poem? Describe their attraction to him as a separate person? How often do women take the time to understand men's emotional wants and needs, and see how these are the same as women's? We all want the same respect and validation. Yet, men are supposed to listen so they can get sex, and women talk so they can feel heard and believe he wants more.

I think there is a severe double standard in this part of male-female relations. Men are expected to console women, when they hurt, but if a man wants this then he's criticized for needing a "mommy." We're constantly asked to deal with emotions privately, then blamed for not expressing them. We're asked to solve problems and not emote, then criticized for being problem solvers instead of better listeners, or not being more expressive.

It's not just men or "toxic masculinity" that does this. In all of my relationships, if the woman upset me, then I was expected to console her because she didn't like the shame of upsetting me--or admitting to wrongdoing. I can't think of one sincere apology I got in any relationship. I'm not saying all women are like that, just pointing out a trend. People joke about how men are supposed to admit they're wrong to keep the peace, but there's an unfortunate truth to this...even in feminist ideology, where women are supposed to be equal and accountable.

I've had several great women in my life...teachers, bosses, family, and friends...but I've also had some really standout men who listened to my feelings and offered support. A lot of the women--even the great ones--still told me what to feel or how to see things. I've always found the term mansplaining a little perplexing for this reason. Women do the same thing. As people, we often want to diminish others' feelings to keep a sense of control, and not be overwhelmed by other people's problems. This is not something only men do. Still, most of the people I've looked up to in my life are women, and my instinct says women would be more critical of this than men.

Just as a lot of men look down on women, a lot of women see men as inferior, even if they're attracted to them. I've met few women who are genuinely interested in men as people, and validate their inner/emotional life. But, these women are out there. I can certainly say in dating situations, I've asked way more about women then they have about me. Few have ever been interested in me as a person, whether we were together years or hours. Consequently, all they really offered was sex, but if I looked at them as merely a sex object, this was wrong. I strongly get the feeling that men and women generally don't like each other, despite wanting sex and relationships together.

Despite the fact that so much in our societies is harmful to women, there's an odd double standard that if a man behaves horribly it's because he's a man, and when a woman does it's because of who she is. Who is talking about "toxic femininity" in regard to Elisabeth Holmes, for example? It's hard to go through every day hearing about how awful you are based on something you don't choose. And if men are inherently awful, then that can't change, so why perseverate on it?

Once more people respect men as people, and acknowledge their natural thoughts and emotions, men will emote more. There is no strength in avoiding pain or suffering, but in accepting and understanding them. Men and women should both learn this lesson. Instead, I've learned people want you to be you privately, and deal with them publicly. But, that doesn't mean I don't have or express emotions, in my way.

by and large, men have treated me with much more kindness and understanding and/or have been much more welcoming of kindness and understanding from me.

I have browsed studies that indicate that men are more emotional --- they have stronger internal physical reactions to their emotions than women (maybe b/c they are repressing outward evidence ). However, currently sensitivity is discouraged, and emotional IQ is not encouraged in men. As gender roles relax this will change (I hope). Currently, it is socially acceptable for men to be mad and women to be sad. I can do both - the feedback is that as a woman, being sad is acceptable (I am "understood"), being mad is not (I am reprimanded). I see the reverse pressures for men.

In my household let's say my young daughter and son are equally angry and sad. However, I notice most when my daughter is angry (b/c sad is "normal" for a girl, but what with an angry girl?) and I notice most when my son is sad (b/c angry is "normal" for a boy, but what with a crying boy?). I do my best to help them express and/or address whichever emotions, but even I have internalized the gender biases. I am susceptible to the social Punishment and Reward system. My intellectual EQ is quite high and my husband's is improving since I require that of him. He came from a macho culture, but he knows that won't fly in our relationship and is picking up skills. He cries now during movies... a lot. I think that is an acceptable outlet for him. I've done that too, been all "stopped up" with emotion and watched a good movie to let it out.

As a woman I literally can't help crying. If I feel tears coming on, nothing I can do will hold them back. It's a bit like holding in vomit. It's almost impossible to hold back vomit, right? That's what crying feels like for me. Even if I try to distract my thoughts on to happy things or smile to myself or tell myself I'm OK, the tears still start leaking out, my lips shake and I just have to let it all out.

When I used to work at a care home I remember an elderly lady with Alzheimer's was shouting at me, and I felt tears welling up. I understand how Alzheimer's can make people behave and I tried to tell myself that it's nothing personal (it's really nothing personal with dementia patients because they don't know about social boundaries any more and they'd shout at anyone, not just the emotionally weak), and I even tried to shrug it off and carry on with my work - but I still had the urge to cry. So I had to take myself into the nearest bathroom and let it out.

I do feel sorry for men in this regard. I remember years ago my brother got really depressed and was crying in his room. My mum knew he was crying and yelled "stop crying - you're 21 years old!" But I cried a lot around my parents and they'd just comfort me and sympathise, simply because I'm a girl and so was allowed to cry.