Does my boyfriend/soon to be father of my child have AS?

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Ami
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12 Nov 2009, 12:55 pm

I suspect that my boyfriend of 2 years has Asperger's Syndrome. I guess I just need a little confirmation?

From the second week we started dating I knew he was "different" than me. But I just chalked it up to the fact that I had been in a previous relationship for 10 years and I just needed to adjust to a different personality. The further we got into the relationship the more I noticed just how different he was. And, until I ran across this syndrome, I firmly believed that I loved him way more than he loved me and that he was lacking serious emotional understanding capabilities and I just thought he was just a plain out JERK!

It made me break down and cry when I read the symptoms of this syndrome. All the times I called him a heartless jerk just came swirling back in my head and I felt horrible. All the times I told him that he must have spawned from a different planet came to mind too. Most all of the symptoms of this syndrome describes him to a T and it was like I had seen the light, FINALLY!

So, just for my peace of mind and so that I can take this one step at a time, I need some confirmation that my love, the father of the child in my belly, has this syndrome so that we can move forward to understanding each other a lot more. I will list all his characteristics below and would much appreciate some of opinions of people living with AS and people living with someone who has AS...

- He is very intelligent when it comes to computers, drafting, anything technical, music
- Everytime I'm in a foul mood he thinks it's his fault and he gets very anxious and annoyed because he feels that I expect him to fix it right away.
- He cannot take a joke or any kind of sarcasm at all
- He takes everything personal as if his character is being attacked
- He takes everything said to him literally and cannot distinguish between a serious comment or a playful comment
- He can never see my point of view about anything, and if I challenge his point of view he takes it as a personal blow or as if I'm calling him stupid or something.
- When I'm upset or crying he has no idea how to comfort me. He gets very anxious and just wants to leave the situation. I tell him sometimes that I just need him to hold me or just be there, not to fix the problem.. but he can't grasp what I mean and says he doesn't understand.
- He cannot relax in a social setting. He always thinks people are judging him or staring at him and when we leave a social setting he feels that he was being rude and stresses over it until I can calm him down.
- He has obsessive hobbies such as video games and music.
- He cannot handle when I stare at him and has trouble looking me in the eye. Makes him very uncomfortable.
- He is ALWAYS asking me what's wrong. I can be in the best mood and I will be blown away when he askes me what's wrong. It's like he can never pick up on non-verbal vibes or moods.

There are more symptoms but I will stop listing, I just want to get an idea of if I'm on the right track with this. I do want to understand him and spend the rest of our lives together happy!
Thanks for listening :)



Willard
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12 Nov 2009, 2:05 pm

Surely you know better than to ask strangers on the Internet to diagnose a congenital brain dysfunction in a total stranger. :wink:

I'll go this far: Sounds like you have more than enough legitimate reason to seek a professional opinion.

Whether he will be willing to go for that is another issue entirely.

Some (like me) will be intrigued at the potential of finding an explanation for the obstacles they've been struggling against all their lives.

Others, who feel they are coping quite well, thank you, may be offended at the notion that they might have a 'mental illness' (AS is NOT an illness, its a disability), and those types may go into immediate denial and throw up a wall of resistance.

So I wish you the best, either way. And if it turns out your child also has AS (there's no predicting, its a crap shoot), then you know what to keep an eye out for from very early on. In fact, if BF refuses to entertain the idea that HE may have AS, once your baby's born, if it turns out the child has it, it might be easier to get him to reconsider the possibility.



Ami
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12 Nov 2009, 5:20 pm

Of course I'm not looking for a diagnoses from a stranger on the internet. As I said in my post, I want opinions from people who do have the syndrome or opinions of people who live with someone who has it. I want reassurance that I'm on the right track. And from reading posts and things from this site, it sounded like an educated place to get some opinions and confirmations that I'm on the right track without consulting a doc first.

Thanks for your input! :)



12 Nov 2009, 10:33 pm

Sounds like he has self esteem issues and social anxiety.

At least he does care about you because he asks you what's wrong. What I don't understand is you thought he was a jerk but you stayed with him so there must have been good things about him you liked?
I know how annoying it is when people keep asking you what's wrong when nothing is wrong, I get that from my husband and he isn't an aspie. I also used to get it at one of my old jobs and it was annoying.

He could be overloaded with empathy or emotions when he sees you in pain so he has to leave the situation. Lot of aspies like to be left alone when upset and stuff vs normal people like to be comforted. I don't understand how can people listen or be touched when upset. I am always pushing my husband off and get angry if he doesn't leave me alone when I tell him so. Even he couldn't seem to grasp that I want to be alone. Well he has gotten better at it now I think. He finally got the concept.



flutter
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13 Nov 2009, 7:22 am

I'm gonna agree with Willard. There's a plethora of evidence suggesting you might be on to something. This in no way constitutes a formal diagnosis.

Talk to him about it, gently.

If you don't think he would be comfortable with the conversation, perhaps pick up a book on the topic (there are plenty) and leave it in conspicuous places while you're reading it - not guaranteed, but he might see it and start asking you questions.



Ami
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13 Nov 2009, 8:04 am

Spokane_Girl wrote:
Sounds like he has self esteem issues and social anxiety.

At least he does care about you because he asks you what's wrong. What I don't understand is you thought he was a jerk but you stayed with him so there must have been good things about him you liked?
I know how annoying it is when people keep asking you what's wrong when nothing is wrong, I get that from my husband and he isn't an aspie. I also used to get it at one of my old jobs and it was annoying.

He could be overloaded with empathy or emotions when he sees you in pain so he has to leave the situation. Lot of aspies like to be left alone when upset and stuff vs normal people like to be comforted. I don't understand how can people listen or be touched when upset. I am always pushing my husband off and get angry if he doesn't leave me alone when I tell him so. Even he couldn't seem to grasp that I want to be alone. Well he has gotten better at it now I think. He finally got the concept.




Thanks for ur reply! Of course he has good points.. I only listed things that I thought might be related to AS and of those traits I don't see all of them as bad, just different and things that I don't understand.. BUT I want to! Were about to have a child come February, a baby boy, and that makes me that much more eager to learn about the things I don't understand because theres a chance my son might be the same way.



Ami
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13 Nov 2009, 8:19 am

flutter wrote:
I'm gonna agree with Willard. There's a plethora of evidence suggesting you might be on to something. This in no way constitutes a formal diagnosis.

Talk to him about it, gently.

If you don't think he would be comfortable with the conversation, perhaps pick up a book on the topic (there are plenty) and leave it in conspicuous places while you're reading it - not guaranteed, but he might see it and start asking you questions.



Thanks for ur opinion! It's such a relief finding the possibilty that maybe neither of us are crazy, just different than each other HAHA!