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LostAlien
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28 Mar 2011, 3:32 pm

My low sex drive is recking my relationship. I feel so sad right now. I'm crying as I'm writing this. Suggestions as how to raise my sex drive would really help. If there's supplements that I can take that could help or something. It's making me feel so bad. Please help.


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Lene
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28 Mar 2011, 3:52 pm

Not surprised you're not in the mood if you're so stressed.

Are you being pressurised or how do you know it's that that's causing the problem?



wefunction
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28 Mar 2011, 3:58 pm

Some medications kill libido. There's an additional med or different med that can be given that can change that.

If you're not on a medication that's doing that, you can speak with your doctor about what can be done about a low libido.

Additionally, your partner has to do some work as well. Your partner has to learn what gets to you. I'd suggest some relationship counseling or, at least, some self-help stuff. The Five Love Languages is a good place to start. The more loved and understood you feel, the more in the mood you'll become.

As Lene already pointed out, becoming stressed over a low libido is a cyclical problem. You both need to relax and get the pressure OFF.



LostAlien
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28 Mar 2011, 5:39 pm

He's not pressuring me but I think I am. I might count the days between us having sex and get in a tizy over it (between three and seven days). I'm not on any medication and I just started a multi-vitamin with iron because I haven't been eating so healthily lately but this started before my eating not so healthily.

It's been getting steadily more difficult for me to get into things for the past six to eight months. Before this, once a night or at least every second night was the norm. He trys really hard both in bed and out (helping me do things (tasks and chores in the house) and doing tasks I don't like to do).

I do know that he feels loved when we have sex and so I can see when he's not feeling loved, he says it's ok but every time he says it's ok I feel like a shard of glass pushes out my chest (from me not him) because I can see how he looks sad and I want to show him what he means to me. It just seems so hard though, I feel guilty because he'll listen for hours when I'm sad, he'll drop whatever he's doing to give me a hug when I need one and I find it difficult to get my head into this, the one thing that lets him know how I feel about him. If I'm not totally there during, I'll feel pain (down there) until as late as midday the next day.

My bf thinks that I may need to work on loving myself more because that is what he thinks is preventing me from having my head fully in the sex and enjoying it properly. I don't fully know myself but he's got me to agree to chat with my doctor (myself and my doctor get embarrased talking about sex though). We had a conversation since my first post.

Thank you Lene and wefunction, I'll see about getting the pressure off and make sure he and I are communicating properly re the love languages. Wait a sec, birth control (depopovera) is a medication, perhaps it has some connection to that?


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shadowchyld
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28 Mar 2011, 7:15 pm

I'm on depo, my sex drive has never really been low on that. But you could ask the doctor if that can happen. As far as how often you're doing it, I would try to remember quality, not quantity. Me and my boyfriend can really only "complete" the act maybe once every six months sometimes due to issues we have there. Not low drive, more just inability for various reasons. But when we do it's awesome, mind-blowing sex. And it's not even physical for us. It's usually more we're just so happy things actually went OK LOL We are VERY affectionate in between though. Maybe that's the key. Are you able to just be close to him even when your libido is low? That can make all the difference in the world. Your boyfriend sounds like a good guy, and if he says it's ok, I would believe him. Just do what you can, when you can. Good luck sweetie, and keep your head up.



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28 Mar 2011, 8:12 pm

Define low sex drive - low in comparison to what?
Why do you think it should be higher, do you really want it to be higher and if so why, actually for that matter do you want it to be higher for your sake or your partners sake? It sounds to me like your problem is not your sex drive at all but that love is dependant on your having sex with your boyfriend - that's what you need to worry about, not your sex drive.

If he only feels loved when you have sex with him then you really need to reassess your relationship because helpful and cuddly doesn't excuse him from using emotional blackmail to get you to have sex or him holding an idea that sex is the only way you can express love to him. If you feel this way and that this idea of 'he only feels loved when I have sex with him' is an idea that you impose onto him, that sex equates to love is an idea that you hold yourself, then that is something you need to assess. It really doesn't sound like it's your sex drive that's the problem. Remember too that it is your boyfriends job to listen and help you, that doesn't mean you have to have sex with him to prove that you love him too or that you have to feel any guilt within the relationship.

I was having a conversation with the Scarleteen team about this the other day, you might want to try talking to them on their message boards, here - http://www.scarleteen.com/cgi-bin/forum/ultimatebb.cgi - in fact I strongly recommended it. Also the article that triggered my discussion with their team may be of some interest to you too, it's from Our Bodies Ourselves and is about sexual dysfunction, touching on the issue of low sex drive, contributing factors, etc. not totally to topic but maybe has some things to consider - http://www.ourbodiesourselves.org/book/companion.asp?id=12&compID=10&page=1 and this may be of some help to you too http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/depression_has_sapped_my_libido_will_it_ruin_my_relationship

As a note too; all hormonal birth control has an effect on your sex drive due to it's suppression of your cycles, your menstrual cycles have a major effect on your body as a whole, even if a woman still has a sex drive on hormonal birth control it's still not the same as the different stages of sex drives when she has her cycles.


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YippySkippy
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28 Mar 2011, 9:21 pm

Um...I have read that sex once or twice a week is normal for couples in long-term relationships.
I don't think you have a libido problem.
I think you have an anxiety problem.



ominous
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28 Mar 2011, 11:46 pm

I'm bordering on asexual and my sex drive is biological only/monthly/around ovulation, unless I'm in a relationship where I feel cherished which hasn't happened in um...a long time. Once a week is definitely not a low sex drive. I have read that Epimedium http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epimedium helps increase sex drive and also shows promise for osteoporosis. Two great things in one small tablet! :p I have to agree with YippySkippy. I think you're issue is likely anxiety rather than libido.



LostAlien
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29 Mar 2011, 4:25 am

shadowchyld, it's great more often than not for us too. I'm happy that you and your partner are having great sex (even if it's irregular). I'm able to be close to him when I don't feel like having sex and we're able to be loving in a non-sexual sense but I just feel guilty sometimes.

Bloodheart, he is not using emotional blackmail. There are three other things that I can do to show that I care about him but I don't like to say too much about him when it's my issue. Also, it's low by comparison to what it was before. He and I have been together for six years. For four and (approximately) a half years it has been at least every second night.

YippySkippy, which way do you mean? A general anxiety problem or something specific to sex?

ominous, that sounds like a great drug. My maternal line have a tendency toward brittle bones and arthritis.

My bf and I were talking about it last night and he told me about everything he thinks is great about me, and I was able to relax. I sometimes have difficulty taking someone at their word on things and him telling me how he saw me (for some reason) helped me to believe him when he says it's ok.


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YippySkippy
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29 Mar 2011, 8:04 am

"There are three other things that I can do to show that I care about him"

Am I right in thinking this statement implies that sexual acts are the only way you know to show someone you love them?
You sound like someone who has been sexually abused and needs therapy.
(I'm not saying this is the case, just that it SOUNDS that way from what you're saying)
I know it's a blunt thing to say, but I'm just trying to be honest and helpful.

In any case, libido is NOT your issue.



PinkFeelingBlue
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29 Mar 2011, 12:34 pm

If it is painful at times, I'd try to talk about it with a gynecologist. Maybe a female one. You may be having physical problems you aren't aware of.



Erisad
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29 Mar 2011, 1:37 pm

Um...if he's forcing you into having sex more than what you're comfortable doing, than he's manipulating you. I let myself get manipulated this way in my last relationship and trust me, it didn't make him love me anymore. He needs to understand that you're more than a breathing sex doll and if he doesn't get that, it's time to move on.



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29 Mar 2011, 2:23 pm

@ Erisad, I don't think she said he was 'forcing' her to have sex. In fact, he seems very supportive of her based on her descriptions.
@Lost Alien, I agree that it might be a good idea to see a gynecologist. If you don't have health insurance or a regular gyn, you can go to Planned Parenthood - more than 90% of their business is helping women with birth control and other 'female' issues, and they're generally well-priced and have ways to help low-income clients. In addition, you might consider whether non-vaginal stimulation might work better for the two of you when you're not 'in the mood.' He gets to feel like he's loved, and you don't have to have boy-parts put into your body.



Erisad
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29 Mar 2011, 2:46 pm

Really? My brain isn't processing things really well right now. >.<

I'm sure there are plenty of ways that you can show him that you love him without having sex. You can search for methods of doing so online. :)



cassandra
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30 Mar 2011, 9:02 am

I have a very low sex drive because I take the contraceptive pill which pretty much killed it. My partner and I are very busy and we have sex maybe once a month if we are lucky.

Noone should ever pressurise you into having sex, if they do than maybe it is time to end the relationship. It really is not right and if someone pressurised me then I would feel very anxious too. Also it would put me off them because I would be hurt by them doing this. It sounds to me libido is not the issue as the others said before. This man does not sound like a very nice person at all.



Bloodheart
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30 Mar 2011, 9:34 am

LostAlien wrote:
Bloodheart, he is not using emotional blackmail. There are three other things that I can do to show that I care about him but I don't like to say too much about him when it's my issue. Also, it's low by comparison to what it was before. He and I have been together for six years. For four and (approximately) a half years it has been at least every second night.


...and? He isn't using emotional blackmail so see my other points, your sex drive is low in comparison to what it was, which is normal, so ask yourself why that is a problem - my points remain; your supposed low libido is not your problem.


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