How do aspie mothers deal with...

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I want kids in the next few years, I want to be prepared and some questions come-up about being an aspie and a mother, how parenthood effects women on the spectrum. A few questions, if you'd be so kind as to answer, and be nice

1. How do you deal with pregnancy?
Specifically people constantly touching your body - either doctors running tests, or strangers wanting to touch your baby bump, or when issues come up where you're not in agreement with a doctor/midwife/partner about care choices or your birthing plan. Yes these may be necessary for caring for you and baby but that doesn't mean your asperger's issues are going to vanish, I'd actually guess during a stressful time like pregnancy AS may become worse - am I right? Are meltdowns and stress abnormally high during pregnancy?

2. How do you deal with stressful birth?
I'm opting for a home birth - hospital or birthing centres are totally out for me, I know they'd cause excessive anxiety that would not only be bad for me, but bad for baby and a stressful birth may increase likelihood of postnatal depression which is bad for all of us long-term. But then what would happen if I had to go into hospital, it would be stressful - obviously stressful birth for any woman is an issue, but for aspies add meltdowns and anxiety is it not worse? Does it mean more problems creating a relationship with baby?

3. How do you deal with postnatal depression?
Various sources put me at high risk of postnatal depression, it seems little is really done to help with this, and with paternity leave being so short I'd be stuck at home with baby all alone with no support system, so if I do get postnatal depression I'd be in trouble - boyfriend would have to become carer in that situation I guess...I dislike that if I was to suffer postnatal depression it seems that I am expected to get on with it, that if I need help that I'm a bad mother. Do you think this is this worse for women on the spectrum?

4. How do you learn all you need to learn?
I spend a hell of a lot of time reading-up on things relating to sexual/menstrual/reproductive health, but I've only read a handful of books, blogs and online community posts about pregnancy and birth - I saw the books my friend had from her NHS midwife, the amount of information you have to take in is immense even for someone interested in such things. Did you find it easy to take on information? Was it harder for you to specify your needs and wants to your birthing team?

5. Do you go to mothers groups, if so how do you cope?
I greatly dislike being around women, I imagine mothers groups consist of all the negatives that there are about women's groups, with women judging each others mothering skills more than supporting each other - is that the case? What happens if you don't have a support group at home and cannot deal with mothers groups - how difficult is it to cope with a new baby on your own?

6. How do you deal with lack of social life?
This was prompted by this post - http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&p=3760097#3760097 - when you have kids you do just drop off the face of the earth, I can't imagine not needing social interaction with others, I have fears about being stuck at home with baby all day every day until they start school and never having any social life or interaction with other grown-ups. Yes, it may be selfish, but social interaction is so important to mental health and well-being, such a thing cannot be ignored.

7. How is your relationship with your children?
Risky one to ask, I know. When I was in therapy as a kid my mother told my therapists she hated me for not having a mother/daughter relationship with her like the normal daughter she had wanted (yeah, my mother is a piece of work, this is one of the fonder memories I have of her). I wonder how having AS effects your relationships with your children - also is it harder with an NT kid?

Actually NTs hate getting touched too by strangers.

While I was pregnant, I was more NT. I expressed my emotions better thanks to being more emotional thanks to the hormones so my anxiety increased because things upset me more. Strangers didn't actually touch me. Only one asked and he turned out to be a creep and I took off. I didn't mind the nurse touching me or having family feel. They asked first. I never ran into any issues like with agreements.



It's nothing like you see in the movies. In the delivery room, it's just you and the husband or anyone you want in the room when you are having the baby and the OB doctor and maybe two others. It's pretty quiet. I had an epidural and then they left and my husband slept while I tried going to sleep. Then three hours later I felt the contractions again and called the nurses to come in and we all waited a few hours and then I started pushing when I was fully dilated. Time went by quick. But I was so exhausted I was a huge b***h in the room. My eyes hurt and I was so over tired I couldn't get to sleep so it hurt to keep them open when I feed my baby. When i would fall fast sleep, my husband had to wake me up to feed him. I was so glad my husband stayed because I don't see how I would care for the baby when being that tired. They probably would have had the baby in the nursery. He had gas so he cried and cried all night and my husband was up all night with him while I got to sleep for real. Then when daylight came, I let him sleep while I tried taking care of the baby despite being tired still but I wasn't as tired.

I honestly didn't feel anything when my baby came out and the placenta. Same as when I tore a little and had to be sewn up, I didn't feel a thing. I had no birth complications and no c section, not cutting me down there to get the baby out, baby didn't get stuck, nothing.



Luckily I didn't get that. I was very happy to have my baby but I had help for the first week. My mother in law offered to stay and she helped take care of him while I caught up on my sleep. He was very gassy so he cried but he wasn't a colic or else he'd be crying a lot more. Then my parents came out and they saw him a lot and I took care of him on my own and they helped out too. I spent most of my time at my aunt and uncles.

I have a history of depression and the fact I also have anxiety so I had a high risk for PPD but didn't get it thank god. Lot of women do and I think so did my mother.



I had a hard time deciding what I wanted for birth and how to do it. I made a decision on the spot when I was in labor. We didn't even have our paper work filled out lol and I had to do it as I was in labor. All I did was signed my name. We already had the papers and we brought them in with us. I read lot of stuff at Babycenter and womens experience and I kept hoping mine won't be hard. I read about labor too as I was in labor because I was trying to figure out if I was having false labor or real labor and I thought I can't possibly be in labor because I can still talk. But the pain got too bad I couldn't ignore it anymore nor get to sleep because of the pain so I called the doctor and told him I was hurting and then it stops and comes back again. I had also read about labor pains at Babycenter about how it feels for each woman and the pain is different for each one. Mine felt like very bad period and constipation cramps. I think I was very intensity focused on pregnancy and childbirth I spent lot of time at Babycenter but I preferred personal stories.



I don't go to any. I just stay home with my baby. I can read baby center and read about what women say about their little ones so who needs a mother group if you can get it online?
But I only read threads that catch my interest.

Honestly I didn't have much troubles at all with my baby. I had surprised myself. I just ignored the crying as I took care of him. I wasn't going to let it overwhelm me. Sometimes I get frustrated when my baby won't stop fussing and crying so I finally leave him be when I get that overwhelmed and he cries himself to sleep. I have started to wear ear plugs when he keeps making too much noise. When he keeps spitting up I don't even want to hold him. I use prefold diapers over his head to I won't have to feel his sweaty skin when he is in my arms. His face isn't covered. It doesn't make me feel guilty if he is crying during his diaper changes or baths or when I have to ignore his crying when I shower or make myself food for work or make myself lunch or get the dishes done.





I just stay home and I still don't have contact with people. Luckily I am a hermit and don't go out much nor have friends so it doesn't bother me to be home. Plus my husband stays with the baby when I still go to my autism group or anything that happens on the weekends when my other group holds something fun.


I don't know yet because my first one is only six months almost and so far he is perfect. He is already close to crawling and can almost sit up on his own and I was told that was early at his age. I don't think my AS has really affected me yet. I just take care of my baby when he cries. I still haven't figured out how to read him like to tell what his cries are saying but I can tell he is mad just by his red face. I can tell when he is scared because his screaming is a lot different because it's a cry for help scream. I remember wondering if I did something wrong during his bath because he was screaming that way and I got told that is normal. Now he doesn't scream like that anymore. My husband can read him better than me but maybe it's because of my AS or because he has taken care of babies before. Heck I even got told by another aspie my baby was full so that explained why he wasn't staying latched on and why he was crying when I was trying to feed him. She had taken care of babies too so I assume mine had to do with no experience with babies so I was still learning. This was when he was only a month old.

I honestly don't find babies hard to take care of like the books and websites make out to be. But my husband goes "Just wait until they start crawling and walking, then it gets hard." But my baby can already move around and it still hasn't gotten hard. I even keep him in his crib or strapped in his bouncer when I shower or have him in the exersaucer so he is safe. I don't want to leave him alone in the room on the floor because I don't know what can happen like would he pull the lamp off the table or pull the laptop off the coffee table or get into stuff I don't want him to. I just never know. He has already unplugged my laptop like ten times already. Or maybe the reason why my baby hasn't been hard at all is because he is a level one baby meaning he is an easy baby and some others are just more difficult to take care of like colic ones for example. But sometimes he does get difficult at times because he won't stop fussing or crying and lying still in my arms. Even when I put him down, he starts to cry but yet he won't eat so what does he want lol? That's when I get frustrated so I shut down and leave him alone and I know all moms get frustrated with their babies. Then he stops crying usually and ends up sleeping.

Here is my long post here about me being a new parent that answers this question:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp3428565.html#3428565

My experiences

I guess the first thing to say for me was that during my pregnancies with my boys I felt wonderful - human - relaxed - and generally unaspie; I am sure this is something to do with the boy-hormones and did me the world of good. I never had any meltdowns. With my daughter, unfortunately, I didn't quite feel the same greatness, but I have generally loved being pregnant.

I had no issues with being touched. I never had any stranger try to touch my bumps. I've heard that can be an issue for many NT as well as Aspie woman, maybe I just give off enough - "don't you dare get that close" - vibes it never happened I loved having my babies' dad touching my bumps.....and I loved having an excuse for talking to myself so much!



With no1 I went to hospital because I didn't know better - laterly I read my hospital notes. I was apparently "aggressive", "uncooperative", "unhelpful" and "obstructive". To my end, I would say the hospital were hopeless. I got fed up with being told I had to have drugs because I wasn't coping, when it turns out I was WAY further along in my labour than they thought. Eventually I was suddenly I was told - "oh s****, we need to get you to a delivery suite".....at which point I told them to "F**** **F I'm having the baby here": They literally wanted me to walk along a couple of corridors and up some stairs, whilst my body was trying to actually give birth (compromise - I went in a wheelchair). Result - protracted 2nd stage - distressed baby - resuscitation......and also a baby drugged to the eyeballs because they gave me narcotics less than an hour before he was born. Guess I should've mentioned I have a generally high tolerance to pain! It was all fine in the end though. The worst bit is because of the narcotic, I don't actually remember a thing.

2&3 were born with only midwives in attendance. 2 in a midwife unit, and 3 at home. I highly recommend it
Even with no3 though, the midwives were discussing not being able to tell how far along I was - and asking hubby about my pain thresholds.

I have bonded and loved my babies since before they were born - so in my case I don't think it has had any impact. To be honest babies are pretty Aspie in their tenancies, and I find them very easy to "get".




Thankfully I can't answer this.




I feel I was liberated from the typical needs of mothers to do everything "spot on". I just went with what I thought. I did lots of things wrong according to the book. Being Aspie, I didn't care what people thought and It was great! I have been very successful in raising 4 beautiful, intelligent, independent children that people often comment on.
It is only laterly that I have realised, as an Aspie, I "got" toddler tantrums, I understood the anxieties they have, and the encouragements that the small children need. I treated my children as if they were adults from day one (I didn't realise this wasn't a 'normal' thing to do) and the results have been spectacular.

I didn't really feel at home on the online pregnancy blogs and websites. I read a few books. I preferred medical texts to pink-and-fluffy mummy's guides. I have to admit I did find it easy to take on - and I guess it became a 'special interest' to a certain extent.

I did find it hard to get my feelings across to the healthcare professionals - but hubby helped - and writing it down helped.




Actually I loved the mums groups I went to. Although they vary enormously, and I did find I fitted in better some places, and yes, some places really are like the worst negatives of all women's groups.
Generally I found going along very easy. You instantly have some options for generating "small talk" - everyone wants your opinion on things, which is nice, although sometimes I found I had to wind my neck in a bit! (I horrified one mum by suggesting it was impossible to potty train without letting the kid pee on the floor at least once guess I was in the minority there!).

But the main thing is that you can always just sit and play with your baby and it doesn't look like you're being anti-social.



I never felt this way.
But I did go back to work - the kids all thrived in nursery. They had a happy mum, that's what kids need more than someone that does what is expected.




So far I don't seem to have managed to produce an Aspie - although at least one is still too young to know! I get on exceptionally well with my oldest boy. I am very proud of him. He thinks a lot like me - his words: I got the best bits of Aspie without the bad bits.
I have to admit I am a better mother to my boys - I am a pretty cr** with girls in all respects! But we still get on fine. She has traits and aspects of her personality I know how to handle well - then there are aspect that are more like her dad and I leave them to it.

I have a very different relationship with my children compared to NT mothers, but it is brilliant in its own way.

By the way - when I was growing up I kept a diary of everything I hated my parents doing for me, and I have explicitly not done any one of those things to my kids! However, I realise, some of the things that I hated were due to my own AS, so actually I probably ought to have done some things differently.
- one example was that I promised I would never move any single item of my child's possession at any time. The result, is that I haven't managed to teach my kids about sytemizing-organisation, as it hasn't come as naturally to them as I assumed it would.

This is normal for all babies, and I think, being Aspie, and being used to dealing with overload by walking away, actually makes it easier for us to cope?

Eg, most people seem to get upset when baby won't settle. Once I have exhausted all practical possibilities, I just put him in a cot as far away as possible and ignore - and I never found that particularly upsetting. I understand NTs do!

I noticed the first 1/2 of the questions is "how do you deal?" I felt like I had an alien in my belly. Each time was no different in that regard. Pregnancy was the pits except for the 2nd trimester. I think carrying the babes was easier than the first 12 weeks after! However, 9 months does move quickly when you look back on it. My PITA first born girl is not a beautiful less PITA six year old! My 5 year old boy is my joy, and my 2 year old is taken care of by the 6 year old when I make dinner or homeschool the 5 year old. Life gets easier! Lord give me strength if I have a 4th. The kids are true blessings, but Im not much of a baby/toddler mom. I find it easier to cope with these little people at age 4 on up..and preferably 5 on up Ask again in 10 years, and I might tell you differently

Earplugs and ignoring the unimportant cries have helped. Getting alone time is a must! Patience is definitely something learned. I love my 3 lil ones, and looking back, it was worth it! Did I say that?

I don't remember anyone touching my body. Commenting on it yes but not touching it.
It did not feel good from the day I missed my period until the 4th month. I had no enthusiasm about anything. I never felt that way before. I couldn't even hit a low point to have emotion triggering sadness and then tears. This was like I could not generate much feeling about anything. But by the 4th month enthusiasm came back and my morning sickness stopped.

My first I had a doctor and it was not stressful and he didn't even cry when they gave him to me and he still that way very easy going. My second was very quick and painful. I chose a midwife and very happy I did. She was very understanding and so cool even when I needed a shot because my uterus did not contract. I must say this. If you don't think you can walk make them bring you a wheelchair. I was so out of it I let this ignorant orderly, intern, who the hell cares assist me to my room until I finally said I can't do this and then they went and got a wheelchair.

I don't know about postnatal depression but I was sad that I did not bond with this little life form I was caring for. It cried and I would try and figure out what was wrong. It was not until 3 months, It could have been 2, who knows I was lost. Anyway I think the baby started responded to me and when he smiled things got better and more comfortable.

I was clueless with my first and then studied more from various sources, for my second because I wanted to nurse. My first one everyone gave me stupid advice about nursing and I thought something was wrong so I gave up after two weeks. My second I nursed a little bit more than a year and weaning just seemed to progress naturally. Of course, I was still given the stupid advice but I was determined to finish the race. It was so painful for the first two weeks and then became manageable. I nursed before so I know how to get the baby to latch on.

I didn't go to mom groups but I had lots of in-laws with a couple babies too and we were able to chat and share stories. Being a mom is one of the only ways I can relate to most women. But now that my kids are older there is not much in common with other kids.

I didn't like how I grew up with no supervision, so I didn't mind sacrificing a social life for them. We had enough get togethers anyway so I may have missed a movie or two but not much of a sacrifice.

I would say my relationship is more than I have with my parents. They can actually talk and dispute their points without fear of others belittling them. I let them be independent thinkers and applaud them for their individuality. The only thing I stress is that they defend their view and or prepare for the effects of being a smart*ss, especially out in public. When they were younger I would let them venture but always be nearby. I figured if they survive to twelve without possible drowning, falling through ice, or getting burned, I did more than my parents. I can't say which is easier because it is so subjective and everyone suffers growing pains.

i don't have a problem with medical thouching, for some reason.


thank goodness this didn't happen to me! probably i looked too unfriendly.


i insisted on what i felt i needed. i accepted no compromise when it came to the care of my body and the birthing of my child. i hired a midwife and had my baby at home, which meant that i had a lot more control over the course of events. i needed the comfort and so i had the midwives with me right from early labour.


for me, yes. and for a few weeks afterward too.


i think it's best to take the approach of assuming you will be fine and being confident that whatever happens, you can handle it. if your anxiety becomes too great when you are thinking about the birth, talking to a doctor, midwife, or mental health professional can help. i think the mother's anxiety during childbirth can lead to a lot of problems, so it is a good idea to prepare yourself as extensively asyou can, in whatever way will work, using all resources at hand.


i don't really know if there isa difference with NTs and people with AS. i wasn't good at home alone. i got really depressed and had problems with self-esteem and so on. it didn't help that we were destitute and living in the projects. so i returned to work early and my husband took over most of the care, or one of us worked days and the other worked nights. she also started attending a dayhome from age 3 when we were both bust in the daytime, with work or school.


books and documentaries, mostly. i like to study medical knowledge so i had fun learning about it. some people don't research at all and they do fine, though. it helped me cope with the situation.

i am very outspoken, so i did okay with expressing my needs.


you might not like it in a group like that. i don't know what to tell you except that if you approach the group with an assumption it won't work out, then your expectations will be fulfilled. if you go there with an open mind, then it may be a good experience.

i didn't get along too well in that kind of group, but that was because of me, not because of the other women. i was an emotionally immature, undiagnosed aspie with an attitude, so it was not destined to go well.


you don't have to stay at home with your child if you want daily interactions with other people. i returned to work once my child was 4.5 months old. i need to be around other adults and interacting on a basis other than just being a parent, so going back to work kept me sane.


parents almost universally screw up their children one way or another. i've probably met 5 people in my whole life who were completely devoid of parental issues (and those people were unnaturally attached to their parents lol).

i think it's a matter of degree, and good parenting involves trying to effectively balance your own needs against the needs of each individual in the house, and against the needs of the family as a whole. parents do the best they can to work around the internal and external problems they have some control over, and they try to ease the impact of the things they cannot control.

i have a non-aspie daughter (not NT so much as not-aspie) and she is one of the few people who can "read" me. we are extremely close in many ways, but in other ways we have an imperfect relationship. reading her cues was not always easy, and i occasionally made some big mistakes. acknowledging the mistakes and supporting my child when that happened helps to heal the relationship.

her father and i were kind of non-traditional, easygoing, psedo-hippie/artsy parents. we did things our own way, mostly. i.e. we never ever raised our voices as it was simply not necessary. we spoke to our daughter as a human being and reasoned with her. we had a lot of fun and a lot of affection. but we were not perfect paents - she has her own issues and anxiety as a lot of the rules in the house were flexible and situationally specific. so really, no matter how hard parents try to do things right, they will mess up in one way or another. AS is just one factor in the complex mix of parenting issues.

i didn't ever walk away as it did not fit with my philosophy. some people advocate that but i could not live with it. that is probably a discussion for a whole other thread!

Of course, every experience is totally different, but here's mine:

1. How do you deal with pregnancy?
I loved being pregnant. We'd tried for 8 years before it finally happened, with the help of IVF. I felt completely feminine, for the first time in my life. I had no health problems, just 10 weeks of fairly minor morning sickness and no cravings.

2. How do you deal with stressful birth?
The birth wasn't as I'd hoped. At around 36 weeks, I had a bleed. It was nothing to worry about, but I had a batch of tests done and it was discovered that I had Group B Strep. This is a fairly common infection, which causes no problems to the mother, but can be fatal for a newborn. I was told that I'd have to have an antibiotic drip during labour. My waters broke, 4 days before my due date, but contractions never started and the baby was in 'back to back' position. I had to be induced, so I had a drip on each hand. Everything was fine until it was time to push. By then it was too late for an epidural. I was in a lot of pain (due to the position of the baby and being induced), but I just went really quiet, so I don't think the midwife knew. In the end, the baby was delivered with forceps. It wasn't pleasant, but it didn't take long and I recovered very quickly.

3. How do you deal with postnatal depression?
I don't think I had post-natal depression. I do get depressed a lot and I don't think I was any different after my baby was born. But I did get baby blues, when my daughter was a few days old. I could cry constantly about silly things, but it passed after a few days. That was the worst time.

4. How do you learn all you need to learn?
I read a lot and use a parenting website (Netmums.co.uk).

5. Do you go to mothers groups, if so how do you cope?
I was painfully shy before my daughter was born. I decided I had to do something about it for her sake. When my health visitor suggested a 6 week course for new mums, I jumped at the chance. Then I took my daughter to parent and toddler groups. I spoke to mums and one of the grans is still one of my 2 friends now. I even helped to run a group. That's a mistake I'd never make again. Most of the mums were very lazy and, not being assertive in being able to ask for help, ended up doing too much. When my daughter started nursery I was glad to see the back of it. If I could go back, I wouldn't goe to any groups and just take my daughter to classes, softplay and parks.

6. How do you deal with lack of social life?
I never had a social life before my daughter was born. Now, I go to Zumba twice a week with my best friend. She lives round the corner. I approached her at the Science Centre, 3 years ago, and told her I knew her face. She really appreciated that and we've been great friends ever since. I also go out to the theatre and comedy clubs with my husband and some of his friends occasionally. My parents like to see us getting a night off now and again, so we accept the invitation.

7. How is your relationship with your children?
My daughter is my whole life and I'm very proud of her. Almost everything I do is about her and this doesn't bother me in the slightest. She's being assessed for ASD, most likely Aspergers. This is how my awakening to my own situation came about.

1. I didn't enjoy being pregnant, but I feel that it was worth it to be able to have a child. I did enjoy knowing that my body was providing life, it got me through the nine months of morning sickness, sciatica, leaking and exhaustion LMAO.

2. My birthing experience was traumatic. The midwife who I had worked with the pregnancy happened to be getting married when I was having my baby. Another midwife from the team stood in, and lets just say that it was almost malpractice. I ended up needed to be transfered to the care of doctors and almost needing an emergency c-section. I do feel that I still suffer PTSD from this.

3. I had less depression after my son was born, than I had before.

4. As for learning, I just deal with situations when they arise, the best way I know how.

5. I've always taken my son to "mom and me" groups. I do actually enjoy them, I love babies and kids so I find the groups quite fun.

6. I've never had a great social life. The "mom and me" groups, and now the play and stay groups are the only socializing we do. It's not for me, it's for my son.

7. I have a good relationship with my son. We are together a lot, I am a stay at home mom.